Ritual Fornication Lessons Week 14 December 2, 1997 RFL WEEK IN REVIEW ********************************************************************** RED ROVER WINS STEAMROLLER For the second time in league history (not including the inaugural 1990 campaign), a rookie has walked away with the grandest prize in all of RFL, the Steamroller Trophy. Red Rover, with GM Edwin Seto at the helm, won 9 of their last 11 games to finish the regular season in a 4-way tie for first place at 10-4. Because of their overwhelming points advantage over the other first-place teams, Red Rover wins the tiebreak and the big cash money prize. The clincher came with a 36-26 victory over the Cream Machine. The only rookie to hold this distinction prior to today was Tim Purwin, whose Dirty Digs won the crown in 1995. Fear not, however, for many dollars and other honors await to be bestowed during the RFL playoffs. Runners-up remember, the Steamroller champ has not appeared in the Ags Bowl either of the last two seasons. CRUCIAL TRADE DOES NOT AFFECT PLAYOFF RACE The Blade Runners continued their free-wheeling style this week as they sent hall of fame QB Dan Marino, their season-long starter, to Grandma's Cussin for QB Warren Moon. Moon was instrumental for the Blade Runners in a 55-19 rout of P4D this week, while Marino withered away on Grandma's bench in a 62-47 scrub loss to Team Desai. Unfortunately for drama/contraversy afficianados, this trade had zero affect on the outcome of any games this week. ********************************************************************** Final Standings *************** Red Rover 10 4 - 476 344 W2 Team Desai 10 4 - 423 348 W1 Bust a Nut 10 4 - 387 334 W1 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 10 4 - 341 365 W3 Chortl. Tushy Whackers 9 5 1 417 388 W4 Landlord Luggage 8 6 2 421 367 L1 Gaseous Wombats 8 6 2 399 375 W1 The Surge 8 6 2 374 386 L1 ----- Potential for Destruct. 7 7 3 433 396 L1 Stoked Salmon 6 8 4 415 434 W2 The Cream Machine 6 8 4 399 348 L1 Grandma's Cussin' 5 9 5 357 376 L3 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 5 9 5 348 348 L2 Blackhearts 4 10 6 335 408 L7 Big City Blade Runners 4 10 6 289 369 W1 Reinvigorated Romanians 2 12 8 215 443 L9 ********************************************************************** Week 14 in Review ---- -- -- ------ ****************************** ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** ****************************** Mighty Mighty Gnomes 46 Landlord Luggage 37 The Gnomes may have just proved they are for real, as they storm into the playoffs with a 10-4 record, fresh off a thrilling monday nite comeback victory. Never mind the 4 scrub wins and their 13th best point total, these guys just strung together 3 clutch wins over the likes uv Red Rover, Team Desai, and Landlord Luggage, averaging 40 pts per outing over the streak. Thanks is mostly due to RB Dorsey Levens, who has accounted for 60 of those 120 points, enough to beat the Romanians almost singlehandedly. The loss drops the mighty Luggage to 6th place overall, the same spot that GM John Wilson finished in last season with his equally powerful Willie's Wankers. elway 9 wheatley 0 levens 15 stokes 0 mccaffrey 15 crumpler 0 kasay 7 banks 6 davis 15 faulk 0 johnson 0 carter 2 mitchell 0 boniol 14 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Bust a Nut 39 The Surge 26 Bust a Nut stays in the 1st-place tie pool with a solid victory over the Surge, who see their 7-game win streak broken. Ricky Watters scored his first points in a month for the Bombyx warriors as they rack up the 3rd place prize in GM Chris Carroll's rookie season. The Surge manages to hang on to that #8 playoff spot, thanks to the Blade Runner's amazing win over P4D this week. george 6 watters 9 anderson 12 martin 6 smith 0 jones 0 stoyanovich 6 young 0 harris 6 morris 0 fryar 3 mathis 0 wycheck 0 hollis 17 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Rover 36 Cream Machine 26 Rover's balanced attack proves too much for Cream Machine's Hoying express. The rookie's QB's first career RFL start nets 18 and makes a dismal Cream Machine performance look presentable. The Machine also inexpicably left Marcus Allen's 9 on the bench in favor of 10-yards- per-game phenom Larry Centers, but alas, it would not have been enough. Rover's win clinches the Steamroller trophy for Rookie GM Ed Seto, an honor only 5 different GMs have shared in 8 RFL seasons. favre 3 abduljabbar 6 dunn 6 reed 6 galloway 6 sharpe 0 delgreco 9 hoying 18 vardell 0 centers 0 moore 6 thigpen 0 dudley 0 cunningham 2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Team Desai 62 Gradma's Cussin' 47 The worst of scrub losses this season goes to the Grandma's, as they desparately scraped back into contention after Team Desai's 36 point Thanksgiving behind Barry Sanders & Troy Aikman. But TD pulled away late, holding off a remarkable 18-pt performance by Grandpa QB Boomer Esiason. Little Desai comes within a game of returning Steamroller glory to his family name, finishing 2nd for the season. Team Desai's 62 point explosion is the second most by any team this year. aikman 12 sanders 24 way 0 sanders 6 brooks 6 green 6 elam 8 esiason 18 alstott 12 lane 9 ellard 0 emanuel 0 byars 0 vinatieri 8 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Chortling Tushy Whackers 18 Blackhearts 14 Hmmmm, a big scrub win ices 5th place for CTW, as they close out a solid but uncharacteristically uneventful season for Dave Brods. CTW now ices their skids for yet another run at the coveted Aglione Bowl, a title that has eluded them since 1992. Don't mention last year's Ags Bowl in Dave's presence. On a down note, the Blackhearts finish Joe Parker's rookie season with a very ugly 7 game losing streak. Hey, there's always the scrub bowl! mcnair 9 smith 0 martin 0 bruce 0 freeman 0 williams 0 anderson 9 johnson 0 murrell 0 hearst 0 muhammad 0 metcalf 12 chmura 0 husted 2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Gaseous Wombats 30 Fiends Uv CK 22 A stifling Wombats defense limited FUCK RB Robert Smith to 0 points Monday nite, wrapping up a spot for GM Joe Pynadath's 5th consecutive season. Let it be known this was a scrub win! kramer 3 kaufman 3 allen 0 irvin 15 lewis 6 walls 0 stover 3 testaverde 3 smith 0 kirby 0 owens 0 jackson 0 mcgee 6 hanson 13 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Big City Blade Runners 55 Potential 4 Destruction 19 Clark's boys take out a season of frustration on the unfortunate P4D, who are knocked from the playoffs by this unlikely spoiler! All 7 pseudo-starters scored this week for the Blade Runners as Kevin's worst nightmare comes true. The 2nd highest scoring team in the league will sit out the playoffs this year. Don't worry Kevin, you are not alone in this distinction as Brods & I can tell you. moon 6 brown 6 zellars 12 scott 9 johnson 6 gonzales 6 brien 10 stewart 0 george 3 means 6 smith 6 reed 0 jones 0 hall 4 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Stoked Salmon 57 Romanians 14 Those raggedy Romanians drop #8 in a row to the revitalized Salmon squad, despite the best efforts of Romanian QB "Helmet Boy". Alas, it is a little to late for Salmon as they finish a couple games out of the playoff race. Jerome Bettis had a season high 24 points in the victory. Stoked just failed in their efforts to triple Brods' 17 point spread for this contest. brunell 6 bettis 24 dillon 3 brown 9 jett 6 dilger 0 longwell 9 xxxxx 0 warren 0 garner 0 moore 6 early 0 riemersma 0 jaeger 8 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ********************************************************************** Transactions ADD DROP ============ === ==== 6-blade QB Warren Moon QB Dan Marino 14-grandma QB Dan Marino QB Warren Moon 16-cream RB Larry Centers QB Craig Whelihan 16-cream RB KiJana Carter RB Lawrence Phillips 15-surge WR Tony Gaiter PK Steve Christie 15-surge WR Brice Hunter WR Bobby Engram 10-pot4des TE Lonnie Johnson TE Kyle Brady 5-wombats RB Stephen Davis RB Tiki Barber 4-chortlng QB Jeff Hostetler QB Jeff Blake missed dibs: Hoss (wombats), Stephen davis (Chortling) OK you sissies, maybe i'll send you a league roster for the almighty playoffs. ********************************************************************** SEASON PTS LEADERS ****************** QB Brett Favre (Red Rover) 100 Jeff George (Bust a Nut) 89 Brad Johnson (Blackhearts) 82 RB Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 144 Barry Sanders (Team Desai) 129 Dorsey Levens (Mighty Mighty Gnomes) 104 Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 102 Jerome Bettis (Stoked Salmon) 87 Napoleon Kaufman (Gaseous Wombats) 81 Raymont Harris (The Surge) 78 Eddie George (Potential for Destruction) 74 Mike Alstott (Grandma's Cussin') 69 WR Cris Carter (Landlord Luggage) 66 Antonio Freeman (Chrotling Tushy Whackers) 63 Tim Brown (Stoked Salmon) 62 Michael Irvin (Gaseous Wombats) 60 Herman Moore (Cream Machine) 54 Jake Reed (Potential for Destruction) 54 Jimmy Smith (Bust a Nut) 48 Rob Moore (Rugged Romanians) 47 TE Wesley Walls (Gaseous Wombats) 42 Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 36 Ben Coates (Blade Runners) 36 Mark Chmura (Blackhearts) 36 PK Jason Elam (Team Desai) 105 Ryan Longwell (Stoked Salmon) 101 Mike Hollis (The Surge) 100 ********************************************************************** CALS' CORNER ===== ====== One more time, let's look at how thing stack up in the "WHAT IF..." categories. Listed below are the top 8 final standings if 1) actual standings 2) total points count first 3) scrub record taken into account #1 (actual) #2 (total pts) #3 (scrub record) == -------- == ----------- == -------------- 1- Red Rover Red Rover (476) Red Rover (12-2) 2- Team Desai Pot 4 Dest (433) Pot 4 Dest (9-5) 3- Bust a Nut Team Desai (423) Lando Luggage (9-5) 4- Mighty Gnomes Lando Luggage (421) Chortling TW (9-5) 5- Chortling TW Chorlting TW (417) Stoked Salmon (9-5) 6- Lando Luggage Stoked Salmon (415) Gaseous Wombat (8-6) 7- Gaseous Wombat Gaseous Wombat (399) Cream Machine (8-6) 8- The Surge Cream Machine (399) Team Desai (7-7) A remarkable run at the end of the season vaulted Team Desai to #3 in the league points stack. Only 34 points separate #2 from #8, a testament to the parity of the league this season.... not to mention the 3 teams that don't appear there that made the playoffs. Amazing too that Potential for Destruction was denied a playoff spot. As they say, that's what RFL action is all about. Congratulations to those that won $$$, checks will be issued after the playoffs are wrapped up and AFTER THE REST OF YOU SCUMBAGS CHIP IN YOUR ENTRY FEES. REGULAR SEASON PLAYOFFS $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ 1- $ 200 Red Rover (Ed Seto) $ 125 ??? 2- $ 125 Team Desai (Shivan Desai) $ 75 ??? 3- $ 75 Bust a Nut (Chris Carroll) $ 50 ??? 4- $ 50 Mighty Mighty Gnomes (Lance Harry) $ 25 ??? 5- $ 30 Chortling Tushy Whackers (Dave Brodkin) $ 25 ??? 6- $ 20 Landlord Luggage (John Wilson) ----- * Entry Fees Thanks Chris for coughing up the $$$. Just in time to save your ass for the regular season. Unfortunately, we still have 4 poor souls out there who yet refuse to comply. What is wrong with you people?!?!?! Snehal/Shivan Desai Joe Pynadath Josh Veshia Tim Purwin Let's cough up that cash please. RFLHQ 405 Fremont Ave. Los Altos, CA 94024 ********************************************************************** RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB Bobby Hoying (Cream Machine) 18 Boomer Esiason (Grandma's Cussin) 18 RB Jerome Bettis (Stoked Salmon) 24 Barry Sanders (Team Desai) 24 Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 15 Dorsey Levens (Mighty GNomes) 15 WR Ed McCaffrey (Mighty Gnomes) 15 Michael Irvin (Gaseous Wombats) 15 Eric Metcalf (Blackhearts) 12 TE Gonzales, McGee, Green 6 K Mike Hollis (The Surge) 17 ************** ** Week 14 total: 119 Top that, Brodzzz! ********************************************************************** 1997 RFL PLAYOFFS =================== Quarterfinals: 1- Red Rover (10-4, 34.0) vs 8- The Surge (8-6, 26.7) The Surge won more games in the last 2 months than any other team, but don't forget that a few of them were scrub. They've got a quality team in there but I'm not convinced they even belong in the playoffs. Certainly not in the same league as Red Rover. *** ROVER by 10 *** 2- Team Desai (10-4, 30.2) vs 7- Gaseous Wombats (8-6, 28.5) Team Desai has been playing out of their skulls lately, after hustling the league into believing they were a band of scrubs. Hell, I still think they are scrubs plus Barry Sanders. But you cannot argue with their performance down the stretch. Joe Pynadath had lost first round playoff games in 3 consecutive seasons before he took the Hooligans a Whompin' and a Whoopin' (HAWAAW) to Aglione Bowl glory last season. This year, the Wombats are a little too flaky, and face the playoffs stretch without Terry Allen. *** TEAM DESAI by 6 *** 3- Bust a Nut (10-4, 27.6) vs 6- Landlord Luggage (8-6, 30.1) Bust a Nut was one of the most powerful teams right out of the gate this year, but their performance has degraded throughout the season, with scrub allowing them to capture 3rd place. Luggage boasts two of the league's most amazing performers, Terrell Davis and Cris Carter. It will be tough for anyone to overcome this 1-2 combo in the post- season. *** LANDLORD LUGGAGE by 7 *** 4- Mighty Gnomes (10-4, 24.4) vs 5- Chortling T Whackers (9-5, 29.8) The Gnomes, despite the scrub, have been ripping it up down the stretch. CTW has been somewhat inconsistent from week to week and must try to pull it together in a hurry if Brods is to get another crack at the Ags Bowl title so cruelly ripped from his jaws by HAWAAW last season. *** CHORTLING TUSHY WHACKERS by 2 *** ********************************************************************** SCRUB BOWL PLAYOFFS: FAVE SPREAD DOG ========= ====== =========== #9 Potential 4 Destruction 24 #16 RuPaul Romanians #10 Stoked Salmon 11 #15 Big City Blade Runners #11 Cream Machine 4 #14 Blackhearts #12 Grandma's Cussin' 3 #13 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge Lineups due by 1pm eastern sunday!!!! (but preferably by friday afternoon!) RFL Hotline: (650) 917-1619 New stupid area code!!!