Raj's Fragrant Lubricants Week 13 November 25, 1997 RFL WEEK IN REVIEW by guest editor: David E. Brodkin ****************************************************************** IT'S RED ROVER'S CROWN TO LOSE Ed Seto is enjoying what may go down as one of the finest rookie seasons ever. Seto has established himself as an RFL mainstay, putting up impressive numbers and attracting many new female fans with his dashing good looks and glimmering smile. Placing a Steamroller trophy on his fictional mantle would support Red Rover's candidacy for RFL greatness. With four teams knotted at 9-4, Seto's star-stocked Red Rover has a run-away points advantage, thus giving him the title to lose. The other 3 contenders are Team Desai, Bust-a-Nut, and (gulp) Mighty Mighty Gnomes who are 14th in overall scoring. Throughout the season, MMG G.M. Lance Harry has uncannily pulled out scrub wins from various body cavities before exploding in a pivitol win this weekend over Team Desai, 40-37. Chris Carroll's Bust-a-Nut picked a horrible time to put in an 8 point stinker, losing 20-8 to a mediocre Cream Machine. A win would have put them at the top of the pile. Others in the playoff race are John Wilson's Landlord Luggage, Chortling Tushy Whackers, Dylan Steeg's Surge, Archibald's pot4des, and Joe Pynadath's Gaseous Wombats. The hardpressed Wombats fell from the #6 spot to #9 spot with the loss to Potential for Destruction. They'll need a win and some help in week 13 to have an opportunity to defend their Aglione Bowl Championship. HOAX REVEALED? Reports are confirming what many have suspected since September of 1997. Veteran and highly-revered G.M., Snehal Desai, has allegedly taken a subordinate role to his prodigy G.M. cousin Shivan in the management of Team Desai. It may be no coincidence that there has not been one e-mail from the elder Desai this year. Outside Team Desai headquarters, Shivan was seen in a verbal tirade over Snehal. The younger cousin supposedly bellowed "u r not permitted 2 make any transaction requests without my complete authorization!" In the post-game press conference following a disappointing 40-37 loss to the Gnomes, Shivan publically denied all rumors and maintained his role as "co-G.M.". "These rumors are unequivocally false. I have ultimate respect 4 my cousin and his wisdom on all RFL matters". Under Shivan's domain, 1997 has been the most successful Desai campaign since 1990, the year of RFL's inception. MISSIONARY COMMISSIONARY RFL made significant strides towards its goal of RFL globalization this weekend, as Patrick J. Callery journeyed to Africa. With franchises and a fan base spanning from the Atlantic to Pacific, RFL has virtually fulfilled its sense of manifest destiny. However, conquering a nation seems a mere stepping stone along the path of Callery's visionary mind. Callery, known primarily for his role as RFL Commissioner, WIR Chief Editor, General Manager of Stoked Salmon, and Self-Proclaimed RFL guru, traveled to various 3rd world countries converting the impressionable natives just as he did 8 years ago to a group of innocent Boston University freshmen. Last Sunday via the official RFL transportable satellite, Callery spoke unyieldingly about the conditions of living in the third world country. "These people don't have any electricity or running water, but what is most startling about their condition is the complete & utter lack of RFL. Most members of these tribes hadn't even HEARD of RFL". As a part of his mission, Callery ran seminars detailing the point scoring system & exploring NFL's best RFL producers. He also conducted a mock draft and educational contests, such as "Whose dibs is it?". "The communication was an issue", admitted Callery. "They didn't speak English & I don't speak their language, however I believe I was able to clearly express the beauty of RFL through picture & sign. I am certain that the continent of Africa will fully embrace a new lifestyle guided by the ways of RFL". Furthermore, Callery added, "Make sure Brodz does th… uhhh, week, aghhhhggghhh!!!", precisely before getting attacked by a herd of wild antelope. The RFL investigation team concluded that the befuddled Callery was calling for his former roommate & backup Wilding QB to undertake the Week In Review duties in his absence. Brodkin was contacted immediately at the Wellington Festival Center, interrupting his daily bubblebath…. …. and here is the fruit of his labor. ****************************************************************** Standings ********* Red Rover 9 4 - 439 318 W1 Team Desai 9 4 - 361 301 L1 Bust a Nut 9 4 - 348 308 L1 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 9 4 - 295 328 W2 Chortl. Tushy Whackers 8 5 1 399 374 W3 Landlord Luggage 8 5 1 384 321 W1 The Surge 8 5 1 348 347 W7 Potential for Destruct. 7 6 2 414 341 W1 ----- Gaseous Wombats 7 6 2 369 353 L1 The Cream Machine 5 8 4 373 322 W2 Stoked Salmon 5 8 4 358 420 W1 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 5 8 4 326 318 L1 Grandma's Cussin' 5 8 4 310 413 L2 Blackhearts 4 9 5 321 390 L6 Big City Blade Runners 3 10 6 234 350 L2 Rampaging Romanians 2 11 7 201 386 L8 ****************************************************************** Week 13 in Review ---- -- -- ------ ****************************** ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** ****************************** Potential for Destruction - 44 Gaseous Wombats - 10 Archibald's P4D fights for an already deserved playoff spot. With an explosive lineup, Kevin has Aglione potential, even starting from the 8 spot. The Wombats fall hard dropping just below the cut. Joe needs a victory and some help to avoid the first year in RFL history in which the playoffs would be absent a Callery and/or Pynadath team (I think). Jake Reed busts out of a slump. stewart 9 george 3 means 6 r.smith 6 reed 18 moore 0 peterson 2 kramer 0 kaufman 0 allen 0 irvin 0 kennison 0 walls 3 stover 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Rover - 45 Grandma's Cussin' - 21 Red Rover sends Karim on over, and he break's G-ma's Cussin's "cane of death" w/ 3 TD's. Abdul-Jabbar has been erratic, but his recent performances have transformed Seto into a top tier team. Let's see what Seto's boys come up with down the stretch. Stan Wilson has experienced yet another disappointing season due to his patriotic drafting tendencies. Wilson drafted New England Patriots in 11 of the 12 rounds including the punter, Tom Tupa, who has never scored any career RFL points despite an excellent punting average. Inside sources say Drew Bledsoe's new-found moshing hobby resulted from the inward aggression he felt following his benching for Old Man Moon. esiason 6 alstott 0 lane 0 ellard 0 emanuel 6 byars 0 vinatieri 9 favre 12 abdul-jabbar 18 dunn 0 a.reed 0 j.galloway 6 sharpe 3 delgreco 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Chortling Tushy Whackers - 32 Friends uv Carnal Knowledge - 24 The Tushy Whackers are poised for an Aglione Bowl run, having won their last 3. Curtis Martin's uninspired performance of late has blocked their path to greatness, but Steve "Ground" McNair does Brodkin proud this week. Freeman has 30 points in the last 3 weeks. Tim Purwin's squad drops further from contention, perhaps a message from the RFL gods that "uv" is really spelled "of". Mcnair 15 smith 6 martin 0 bruce 0 freeman 6 h.williams 0 anderson 5 testaverde 0 smith 0 kirby 0 owens 6 jackson 0 mcgee 6 hanson 12 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Surge - 44 Riddled Romanians - 25 Josh Veshia makes his first transaction/lineup change of the season by placing RuPaul at the quarterback slot. "I felt RuPaul's feminine appearance would mask her…uuhhh… I mean… his… running & throwing ability", stated Veshia. Rookie GM, Dylan Steeg lives & dies by the streak. Right now, he is livin' it up with an impressive 7 game winning streak, digging himself out of a 1-5 hole. Steeg has taken some abuse for missing the last 7 years, and he's doing his best to make up for lost time. This kid must be buttuh! (cuz he's on a roll) young 6 harris 9 morris 9 morton 0 mathis 6 wycheck 0 hollis 14 xxxxx 0 warren 0 garner 0 moore 3 early 15 riemersma 0 jaeger 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Mighty Mighty Gnomes -40 Team Desai - 37 Wow, talk about Monday excitement. Harry's Gnomes held a 7 point advantage w/ Elway & McCaffrey after Sunday's action. Desai's Elam cut the lead to 1, but alas Elway closed the scoring w/ a TD for a Gnomes victory. The win evens both records at 9-4, placing both atop the league. During the halftime show, the BossTones, MMG's partial namesake, performed their greatest hits with adjusted lyrics. Ultimate crowd-pleasers were "A Li'l bit Scrubby" and "Hope I Never Lose my Dibs Rights". elway 3 wheatley 0 levens 21 jjstokes 6 mccaffrey 0 crumpler 0 kasay 10 dilfer 3 sanders 21 getouttamyway 0 sanders 6 brooks 0 green 0 elam 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Blackhearts - 30 Landlord Luggage - 44 The suitcases pickup a critical victory with Terrell Davis leading the way. At 8-5, they're right in the thick of things. Blackhearts have insult added to injury as the struggling Pickens goes down for the season. Brad Johnson & Mark Chmura put in solid performances. johnson 14 murrell 3 hearst 0 pickens 0 metcalf 0 chmura 12 husted 1 banks 0 davis 21 faulk 0 johnson 3 carter 3 mitchell 6 boniol 11 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Stoked Salmon - 30 Blade Runners - 18 #*&^%*!!!! What are you doing to me??? Aaaaggghhhh!!! Why must I always lose by way of the scrub??? Why??!!!! All scrubs should go to hell!!! I am a contender!!!! You scrub teams are not!!! Die scrubs die!!!!!!! ….ooops, wait a second. I am not Patrick Callery, and Stoked Salmon did not have another scrub loss. Congratulations Patrick, let's see what you've just won. It's an RFL game. Clark's Blade Runners can't get a fourth win. This defeat coupled w/ Callery's refusal to replace the toilet paper when he's used the last piece puts roommate tensions at an all time high. brunell 6 bettis 6 dillon 9 brown 0 jett 0 dilger 0 longwell 9 marino 6 brown 0 zellars 0 scott 6 johnson 3 coates 0 ford 3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Cream Machine - 20 bust-a-nut - 8 Let's do an exercise. OK, everybody go to the quarterback statistical rankings. OK, now look at the names between the 30th and 40th ranked quarterback. Hey, all these guys have played for the Cream Machine! That must be why the sagely Wang is shooting for .500. However, he prevents Chris Carroll from taking Bust-a-Nut to 1st place. Carroll's stars are shutout. Plummer 3 vardell 6 allen 6 moore 0 thigpen 0 dudley 0 cunningham 5 george 0 watters 0 anderson 0 martin 0 smith 3 jones 0 stoyanovich 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************** Hey! Don't forget to update your league roster.... yeah right, like you're really going to add 20 new transactions to your roster spreadsheet every week. Why doesn't SOMEBODY send us some updated rosters!!! Can you say, "lazy"? look at this group of winners Transactions ADD DROP ============ === ==== 4 - cho-tush-whack RB Jerald Moore QB Paul Justin 6 - big city RB Ray Zellars RB Jerris McPhail 14 - gma's cussin' QB Boomer E. RB Larry Centers 14 - gma's cussin' WR H.Ellard TE Fred Baxter 4 - cho-tush-whack TE Troy Drayton RB L.Hoard ****************************************************************** SEASON PTS LEADERS ****************** no new names on the board. I have not yet gained the privilege to open the RFL archives. QB Brett Favre (Red Rover) 97 Jeff George (Bust a Nut) 83 Drew Bledsoe (Grandma's Cussin') 72 RB Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 129 Barry Sanders (Team Desai) 105 Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 96 Dorsey Levens (Mighty Mighty Gnomes) 89 Napoleon Kaufman (Gaseous Wombats) 78 Raymont Harris (The Surge) 72 Curtis Martin (Chortling Tushy Whackers) 63 Warrick Dunn (Red Rover) 60 WR Cris Carter (Landlord Luggage) 64 Antonio Freeman (Chrotling Tushy Whackers) 63 Tim Brown (Stoked Salmon) 53 Herman Moore (Cream Machine) 48 Jimmy Smith (Bust a Nut) 48 Derrick Alexander (Blade Runners) 45 Michael Irvin (Gaseous Wombats) 45 TE Wesley Walls (Gaseous Wombats) 42 Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 36 Ben Coates (Blade Runners) 36 PK Jason Elam (Team Desai) 97 Ryan Longwell (Stoked Salmon) 92 Adam Vinatieri (Grandma's Cussin') 88 Al DelGreco (Red Rover) 85 ****************************************************************** CALS' CORNER will not be seen today. In substitution, we will be experiencing ****************************************************************** THE BRODZ BREAKDOWN (Break it down for me felluhz) ===== ====== *********************************** *** !!!! PLAYOFF PICTURE !!!! *** *********************************** Let's look at how the playoff picture stacks up, including your remaining opponent 1- RED ROVER- Cream Machine a win will clinch the Steamroller as long as they outscore Team Desai by 78 2- TEAM DESAI- Grandma's Cussin a win, a Red Rover loss, and a bust-a-nut loss (or a bust-a-nut win in which they do not ourscore Team Desai by 13) gives Shivan a Steamroller Trophy 3- LANDLORD LUGGAGE- Mighty Gnomes still haven't clinched a playoff spot, but a win combined w/ many losses could vault them as high as #2 4- CHORTLING TUSHY WHACKERS- Blackhearts Same as Luggage, but the point advantage virtually makes them a playoff lock 5- GASEOUS WOMBATS- Fiends Uv CK Yikes, joebob's on the outer fringe. He needs a win and a pot4des or surge loss. He'll have a tougher time making up a point advantage over other 8-5 teams 6- BIG CITY BLADE RUNNERS- Potential 4 Destruction Eliminated from play 7- RASTAFARIAN ROMANIANS- Stoked Salmon Eliminated from playoffs 8- BUST A NUT (BY BOMBYX)- The Surge a win, losses by Team Desai & Red Rover give them the Steamroller 9- STOKED SALMON- Romaniacs Eliminated from playoffs. There's always the scrub bowl. 10- POTENTIAL FOR DESTRUCTION- Blade Runners a win or a Gaseous Wombats loss give them a playoff berth 11- FIENDS UV CARNAL KNOWLEDGE- Gaseous Wombats eliminated from playoffs 12- BLACKHEARTS- Tushy Whackers Eliminated from playoffs 13- MIGHTY MIGHTY GNOMES- Landlord Luggage a win and losses by Team Desai, Red Rover, & bust-a-nut give them the Steamroller. Now wouldn't that be something! 14- GRANDMA'S CUSSIN'- Team Desai Eliminated from playoffs 15- THE SURGE- Bust a Nut a win, a Gaseous Wombat loss, or a pot4des loss give them a playoff berth 16- CREAM MACHINE- Red Rover eliminated from playoffs 1997 may represent a fall from graces of our G.M.'s remaining from the inaugural season. Disappointingly, RFL icon Drew Wagner dropped out this year leaving only 4 founding fathers. Both Callery & Pynadath have experiences difficult years, though Pynadath still has playoff aspirations. Brodkin's Tushy Whackers are performing decently, though are not in the top tier. Snehal Desai has virtually lost all control of his franchise to a youth-powered management which is more in tune with the needs of an RFL team. * Regular Season Prizes (in fictional RFL bucks) 1st place $200 + STEAMROLLER TROPHY (fictional RFL trophy) 2nd place $125 3rd place $ 75 4th place $ 50 5th place $ 30 6th place $ 20 ------ * Entry Fees Notice to the following scofflaws: Snehal/Shivan Desai Joe Pynadath Josh Veshia Chris Carroll Tim Purwin We're watching you. We even know your sleeping positions. RFLHQ 405 Fremont Ave. Los Altos, CA 94024 ****************************************************************** RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB Steve McNair (Chortling Tushy Whackers) 15 RB Barry Sanders (team desai) 21 (wow, go RBs) Terrell Davis (landlord lugg.) 21 Dorsey Levens (mighty gnomes) 21 WR Jake Reed (pot4des) 18 Quinn Early (romanians) 15 TE Mark Chmura (blackhearts) 12 K Mike Hollis (surge) 14 ************** ** Week 12 total: 116 (it must be me) ****************************************************************** Week 13 RFL Action ---- -- --- ------ ****** CO-GAME'S OF THE WEEK ****** Both of these games have huge implications for Steamroller/playoff standing. 3-Landlord Luggage vs. 13-Mighty Mighty Gnomes LANDLORD LUGG MIGHTY MIGHTY GNOMES ======== ==== *** ==================== QB Banks -> Elway RB T. Davis <- Dorsey Levens RB M. Faulk <- Tyrone Wheatley WR Cris Carter <<- JJStokes WR Charles Johnson = E. McCaffrey TE Mark Chmura <- Carlester Crumpler PK Husted -> Kasay On paper, this is a Landlord Luggage victory. However, Harry has a couple of sparkplugs in Elway & Levens. His other folks are capable of a single TD. However, he'll need a little luck of the scrub to pull it out. *** Brodz line**** Landlord Luggage by 6 15-The Surge vs. 8-Bust-a-Nut SURGE BUST-A-NUT ===== ==== ========== QB Steve Young = Jeff George RB Raymont Harris <- Ricky Watters RB Bam Morris -> Jamal Anderson WR Johnnie Morton -> Tony Martin WR Terance Mathis = Jimmy Smith TE Frank Wycheck <- Brent Jones K Mike Hollis = Stoyanovich This should be a good ol' fashioned RFL bloodbath. I believe Steeg has Irving Fryar in his arsenal, which would may swing the WR advantage curve. Raymont Harris is dependable, Ricky Watters is not. Jamal Anderson can bust out or flop. There's no telling who will win this one. *** Brodz line**** even ****************************************************************** Other tilts: FAVE SPREAD DOG ========= ====== =========== 1- Red Rover 12 16 - Cream Machine Let's see the talent matchups. Well… to quote the swamiesque Dave Wang, "That's why they play the game". 2 - Team Desai E 14 - Grandma's Cussin' Team Desai is counting on Sanders because they don't have much else. A victory will help enormously in playoff implications, it may even give them a Steamroller. Grandma's won't die though. 4 - C T Whackers 5 12 - Blackhearts The Blackhearts are loaded with talent, but not much luck. With Pickens gone, the whackers get an edge. 5 - Gaseous Wombats 1 11 - Friends These teams are even, but the Wombats get a point advantage on Pynadath's desire. 10 - Pot 4 Des 16 6 - Big City It's a mismatch. Archibald could use a victory for his first taste of the big show. 9 - Stoked Salmon 17 7 - romanians When Callery rigged the schedule at the beginning of the year, who knew it wouldn't make a difference? Note: Chicago, Detroit, Tennesse, & Dallas play Thursday, all teams with players on these teams should have their lineups in by Wednesday night. RFL Hotline: (650) 917-1619 This guest editor is signing off 'til next year. See you at Aglione Bowl VIII!!!!!! RFL WIR now for the vision impaired: To order a bound copy of RFL WIR#13 in size 18 font, send $5.00 + $3.50 for shipping & handling to: RFL for the Blind, 29/33 Wellington St. #401, Boston, MA 02118