Reading Funnies League Week 9 October 28, 1997 RFL WEEK IN REVIEW ...brought to you by Peanuts ********************************************************************** UPI-BOSTON UNIVERSITY will drop its football program at the end of this season because of the high costs of the sport and lack of interest from fans and students, university officials announced on Saturday. The decision is part of a plan to build a new recreation center and increase spending on women's sports. (Sat., Oct. 25, 1997) <--- *true story* (!!) for those of you who haven't already heard. news of the demise of the nickerson field warriors struck hard throughout rfl-land on sunday. who can forget the perfect regular season in '93 when the terriers beat n iowa in overtime in the playoffs before falling to doug nussmeier's idaho vandal powerhouse in the quarterfinals?!!?? unfortunately... in the 4 seasons since that glorious campaign, the only streaking down the nickerson turf sidelines was done by THE BAR [courtesy of david letterman and the late show]. a last minute attempt to keep the terrier gridiron hope alive was dashed as our beloved rfl commissioner, patrick callery, turned down the challenge of becoming bu's athletic director/head football coach - as the result of an apparent power struggle with men's ice hockey coach, dr jack parker. callery's glory days as qb of the bu IM football champions, the wilding, and his tutelage at michigan under former wolverine head coach gary moeller made callery the ONLY candidate to lead bu back to football prominence (including the remaining spot in the BIG TEN's plan to expand to 12 teams). however, a heated discussion between callery and jackie parker led callery to the following statement, "that @#$%-^&*@ parker didn't want anyone to take the focus away from his mildly interesting hockey program - even though my pitch clearly showed that i could lead the terriers to repeated rose bowl trips within 4 years. AND the revenue i would have generated over the first 8 years of my tenure would have led to the building of a state-of-the-art football/basketball/baseball/hockey multi-purpose terrier dome (with a retractable roof) on the charles in west campus. some people just can't see the mountain for the rock faces!" ********************************************************************** The Calvin and Hobbes Standings ******************************* Dennis the Menace Div W L GB PF PA STK ===================== = = == === === === Red Rover 6 3 - 285 224 L1 Team Desai 6 3 - 250 211 W1 Landlord Luggage 6 3 - 245 193 W2 Chortl. Tushy Whackers 5 4 1 273 283 W2 Ziggy Division W L GB PF PA STK ============== = = == === === === Bust a Nut 6 3 - 254 227 L1 The Gaseous Wombats 5 4 1 275 247 L1 Big City Blade Runners 2 7 4 173 262 W1 Rabid Romanians 2 7 4 126 252 L4 Dilbert Division W L GB PF PA STK ================ = = == === === === Potential for Destruct. 5 4 1 286 249 W2 Stoked Salmon 4 5 2 259 272 L2 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 4 5 2 250 234 L1 Blackhearts 4 5 2 215 218 L2 Robotman Division W L GB PF PA STK ================= = = == === === === Mighty Mighty Gnomes 6 3 - 204 230 W1 The Cream Machine 4 5 2 272 246 L3 The Surge 4 5 2 254 292 W3 Grandma's Cussin' 3 6 3 206 187 W1 ********************************************************************** Week 9 in Review ...by Zippy the Pinhead ---- - -- ------ ----- ----------------- **************************************** ** the Tank McNamara GAME OF THE WEEK ** **************************************** Red Rover 32 Potential 4 Dest. 33 one of 3 games to go "down to the wire" on monday night! seto gets 15 from favre and karim, but falls one point short to the 2-man wrecking crew that is KORDELL and TODD. gm seto would have had the game in hand on sunday had he given his superstud joey galloway the start, but seto's judgement must've been impaired by all the false information forced into his head by joebob and cals at stoddard's on friday evening! the pair of sneaky gm's designs on prying galloway loose from seto's doghouse blew up as joey re-asserted his top of the totem pole standing over keenan and andre. gm archibald's lead heading into monday night's action would have been more comfortable had he not dropped drayton's 6 for freddie jones' goose-egg in a last-minute maneuver to make things interesting. red rover's 5 game winning streak ends as they fall back to the pack at 6 and 3. pot 4 dest improves to 5 and 4. favre 9 karim 6 dunn 0 mccardell 0 a.reed 6 sharpe 0 del greco 11 kordell 18 a.smith 0 george 0 j.reed 0 r.smith 0 f.jones 0 peterson 15 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Stoked Salmon 27 Team Desai 29 in another contest decided early tuesday morning (east coast time), mcduffie and longwell combined for 7 - but needed 3 more to overtake robert brooks' 6 and team desai's 3 point headstart. sensing that the fremont (ca) newspaper's fantasy football "guru" would announce to the world that charles way was ready to bust out (another true story!), little desai proved his worthiness by hitching his wagon to the NYGiant mule. by starting dillon over warren, cals would have won - but warren came up empty in the seahawks' 45 point explosion against the raiders. team desai rejoins the steamroller lead pack at 6 and 3. the defending steamroller champs fall to 4 and 5. brunell 6 bettis 9 c.warren 0 ti.brown 5 mcduffie 3 glover 0 longwell 4 aikman 0 anders 0 way 12 brooks 6 hastings 0 green 0 elam 11 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Bust a Nut 25 Landlord Luggage 37 these 2 squads even out at 6 and 3 - both looking to secure their invitations to the big dance. terrell davis continues to prove that he is THE man. charles schulz - the creator of the peanuts comic strip - makes his rfl debut at TE for bust a nut as brent jones sits out another game. george 7 watters 0 j.anderson 6 martin 0 j.smith 0 schulz 0 stynvch 12 banks 3 te.davis 15 faulk 0 carter 0 shepherd 6 mitchell 6 boniol 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Chort. Tush. Whack. 38 Ravished Romanians 32 the unstoppable jeff jaeger almost single-handedly brought the romanians back from the grave, but gm brodz chose to pull superstars curtis martin and antonio freeman early - coasting to a victory ("where the close score was not indicative of how the game went"). gm brodz showed his insight in giving air mcnair the start over the uninspired jeff blake this week. blake's 9 would have meant a humiliating defeat to the romanians. the whackers move up to 5 and 4. the romanians suffer their 4th straight loss and drop to 2 and 7. mcnair 18 martin 3 EMMITT 6 freeman 0 rison 0 asher 0 anderson 11 shuler 0 l.warren 0 garner 0 r.moore 12 early 6 riemersma 0 jaeger 14 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Gaseous Wombats 17 The Surge 35 joebob's general mocking of dylan at stoddard's on friday night comes back to bite him in the ass (*really* hard - just the way marv albert likes it) as gm steeg's surge spew all over the wombats. a healthy terry allen and kramer's 10 bench points would have been enough to pull out a victory, but that's the way that wacky pigskin bounces. joebob's wombats slip a notch to 5 and 4. gm steeg's surge - riding a current league best 3 game winning streak - improve to 4 and 5. kannell 0 floyd 0 kaufman 9 irvin 0 j.lewis 0 walls 0 stover 8 young 6 bam 12 raymont 9 fryar 0 mathis 3 wycheck 0 hollis 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Cream Machine 33 Blade Runners 38 in the 3rd game decided in the wee hours of tuesday morning, the cream machine needed a td from conway to overcome the 12 points posted by marino and coates earlier in the evening. it was not to be, as gm goebel's RAPING of brodz - in the gary brown AND derrick alexander for a washed-up EMMITT and "broken leg" lamar deal - haunts this guest wir editor as brown/alexander push the machine to a 3rd consecutive 'L'! trade talks earlier in the year between this guest wir editor and clark involving "one TD" emmitt went nowhere. this guest wir editor now feels fortunate to have escaped being duped by the naive-*looking* goebel! the machine fall to an under-achieving 4 and 5. the blade runners begin their march toward a playoff spot by catching the romanians at 2 and 7. plummer 6 ki-jana 0 m.allen 6 conway 3 thigpen 6 dudley 0 cunningham 12 marino 6 g.brown 12 tr.davis 0 alexander 6 scott 0 coates 6 ford 8 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Fiends Uv C K 4 Grandma's Cussin' 7 bledsoe and vinatieri put up a big 7 in the 1st half against the packers - leading the grammaws to a come-from-behind W, and then coast in the 2nd half (much like their previous 2nd half "act" against the broncos). cals will need to check the league annals to see if this was the least productive game in rfl history. S-C-R-U-B-B-Y!!! the fiends lose their way to 4 and 5. the grammaws end their 4 game losing skid and improve to 3 and 6. vinny 3 r.smith 0 broussard 0 jackson 0 owens 0 mcgee 0 blanchard 1 bledsoe 3 centers 0 alstott 0 emanuel 0 calloway 0 byars 0 vinatieri 4 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Blackhearts 12 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 24 chmura and levens each score to prevent their respective clubs from being single-digited (as were both teams in the recap above). levens scores a bunch more to lead the rabid and oh-so-mighty gnomes to scrubby-victory land. the blackhearts slip to 4 and 5. the gnomes rejoin the league-leaders at 6 and 3. b.johnson 0 byner 0 hearst 6 pickens 0 metcalf 0 chmura 6 husted 0 elway 0 levens 15 bates 0 mccaffrey 0 stokes 6 crumpler 0 kasay 3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Transactions ...by Dick Tracy ADD...DROP ============ ===== ========== === ==== 10-pot 4 destr....TE-Troy Drayton TE-Mark Bruener 16-cream machi....QB-Jake Plummer QB-Danny Wuerffel 12-blackhearts....RB-Ernest Byner RB-Errict Rhett 12-blackhearts....RB-Jay Graham TE-Freddie Jones 9-stokedsalmon....TE-Andrew Glover TE-Ted Popson 10-pot 4 destr....TE-Freddie Jones TE-Troy Drayton 6-bladerunners....RB-Errict Rhett WR-Fred Barnett 4-chorttushwhk....RB-Leroy Hoard RB-Tiki Barber 3-land.luggage....TE-Mark Bruener TE-Dave LaFleur lost dibs: pot 4 dest on bruener. if i remember correctly, the team who drops a player has last dibs on getting him back. ********************************************************************** with PARITY stinking up the whole league, it would appear that the all important TOTAL POINTS SCORED tiebreaker will rear its ugly head this year when it comes time to determine playoff positioning. with that in mind, WIR #9 presents... the Brenda Starr Team Scoring Standings --------------------------------------- Potential for Destruction 286 31.8 Red Rover 285 31.7 Gaseous Wombats 275 30.6 Chort. Tush. Whackers 273 30.3 The Cream Machine 272 30.2 Stoked Salmon 259 28.8 Bust a Nut 254 28.2 The Surge 254 28.2 Team Desai 250 27.8 Fiends Uv C Knowledge 250 27.8 Landlord Luggage 245 27.2 Blackhearts 215 23.9 Grandma's Cussin' 206 22.9 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 204 22.7 Blade Runners 173 19.2 Rebooted Romanians 126 14.0 ************************************************************* CALS' CORNER ...by Bizarro ===== ====== ===== ======= there has been a little controversy this year about the selection of each week's featured GAME OF THE WEEK. grousing most notably bubbled to the surface during week 7 when our esteemed commissioner cals deemed the red rover-bust a nut matchup worthy of the spotlight. other members in our revered fraternity felt that the chort tush whack-gaseous wombat contest better captured the essence of GOTW due to the perceived quality of the teams and the face-off between 2 of the most respected elder statesmen of the league, brodz and joebob. as is the case in most organIzations, there comes a time for "out with the old." it is the opinion of this guest WIR editor that cals made the correct call in selecting the rover-bustanut matchup for GOTW status. not only are these 2 teams among the leaders in the quest for the steamroller trophy - the 2 newbie gm's (seto and carroll) have gained the respect of a majority of the league by not falling prey to the devious trading tactics employed by some of the less than honorable snake oil salesmen among our gm ranks. -dsw, acting cals ===== 2 NFL teams are taking week 10 off: New Orleans (though the aints take every week off) and the NFC East leading New York Football Giants! ===== Entry Fees are due! "Thanks" to those who have submitted their RFL dues. For those of you who haven't paid up, please send your fees in today! It takes about 2 minutes! No need to worry about composing a 250-word "how do you do" note with your letter! Just send the check! Please! Cals 405 Fremont Ave. Los Altos, CA 94024 ********************************************************************** RFL ALL*STARS ...by Prince Valiant ********************************** QB Kordell Stewart (pot 4 dest) 18 Steve McNair (chort tush whack) 18 RB Terrell Davis (landlord luggage) 15 Dorsey Levens (mighty gnomes) 15 way, bam, g.brown 12 WR Rob Moore (romanians) 12 7 stiffs 6 TE Pete Mitchell (landlord luggage) 6 Ben Coates (blade runners) 6 Mark Chmura (blackhearts) 6 PK Todd Peterson (pot 4 dest) 15 Jeff Jaeger (romanians) 14 *************** ** Week 9 total: 87 - not horrendous ********************************************************************** Week 10 RFL Action ...by The Quigmans ---- -- --- ------ ----- --- -------- ** the Mister Boffo "People Unclear on the Concept" GAME OF THE WEEK ** the unwritten rule in rfl is that *every* team (each season) should experience the euphoria and scrutiny which accompanies gaining the GOTW spotlight. a quick review of the 9 previous GOTWs shows: gaseous wombats, grandma's cussin', and the rrrr romanians have been snubbed to date. stoked salmon, bust a nut, pot 4 dest, red rover, and the cream machine have been featured twice. all other teams have had one moment in the sun. therefore... this week's GOTW is: 5-Gaseous Wombats (5-4 30.6) vs 7-Rogue Romanians (2-7 14.0) the romanians attempted a new draft strategy this year - thumbing their noses at the other 15 gm's and blowing off the entire draft. gm josh veshia figured he could mold a team of undrafted leftovers into a playoff contender. though a preseason poll of rfl beat writers prognosticated that the romanians would endure the 1st winless season in rfl history, gm veshia has demonstrated true gm skill in shocking romanian victories over gm purwin's Fiends Uv C K and gm stan's grannies! coming off a disappointing showing against the surge last week, one would expect the performance enhancing substances to be flowing freely in gm joebob's wombat "training" facility. the romanians placed 2 men on the week's all-star list this past week, but suffered a scrub loss. will they be able to rebound from such a devastating result? Gaseous Wombats Rejuvenated Romanians =============== ===================== QB Erik Kramer <- Heath Shuler RB Terry Allen <- Lamont Warren RB Nap Kaufman << Charlie Garner WR Michael Irvin -> Rob Moore WR Jermaine Lewis -- Quinn Early TE Wesley Walls <- Jay Riemersma PK Matt Stover <- Jeff Jaeger on "paper" this looks like a blowout AND that's why they PLAY THE GAMES!!! the romanians' stellar pairing of kent graham-rob moore has been side-tracked by graham's unfathomable benching by the cardinals. if terry allen isn't ready to go, william floyd will have to avoid a negative 16 point performance. *** Cals' Line: Gaseous Wombats by 21 *** ********************************************************************** Other tilts ...by Bloom County ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ FAVE SPREAD DOG ========= ====== =========== 1-Red Rover (6-3 31.7) by 9 over 11-Fiends Uv C K (4-5 27.8) maybe the rovers will get galloway back into the lineup. robert smith is a little digned (anyone surprised it took this long?) for the fiends. 10-Potential 4 Dest (5-4 31.8) by 10 over 2-Team Desai (6-3 27.8) desais must overcome the loss of their mule (charles way) and the stellar andre hastings to the bye week. 9-Stoked Salmon (4-5 28.8) by 1 over 3-Landlord Luggage (6-3 27.2) who will be the #2 rb and #2 wr for the salmon? can the salmon stop their slide against the luggage's trident of terrell davis, cris carter, and chris boniol? 4-Chort. Tush. Whack. (5-4 30.3) by 8 over 8-Bust-a-Nut (6-3 28.2) the time is now for brodz' isaac bruce comeback. will bust a nut get brent jones back? 14-Grandma's Cussin' (3-6 22.9) by 5 over 12-Blackhearts (4-5 23.9) one team gathers momentum for a run at a playoff spot. the other slips dangerously close to playing for next year. will the blackhearts' carl pickens step up - or fade away? 15-The Surge (4-5 28.2) by 3 over 6-Blade Runners (2-7 19.2) the surge seem headed for the postseason. the blade runners' hopes might get dashed with a loss here. 13-Mighty Mighty Gnomes (6-3 22.7) by 1 over 16-The Cream Machine (4-5 30.2) the cream machine is reeling. after a respectable 4 and 2 start, the machine has dropped 3 straight. the gnomes continue to find ways to win while gm wang's rb decisions have cost the machine W's in the last 2 weeks. Lineups due by 10am pacific sunday!!!! (but preferably by friday afternoon!) RFL Hotline: (415) 917-1619