Raking Fall Leaves Week 8 October 21, 1997 RFL WEEK IN REVIEW ********************************************************************** ALLEGED TRADE RAPIST POUNDS ALLEGED TRADE RAPEE The Chortling Tushy Whackers downed the Big City Blade Runners 24-12 in the **** GAME * OF * THE * WEEK **** this week, only days after the alleged "raping" of 2-time RFL MVP Emmitt Smith from the Blade Runners roster. Brodkin has ferociously denied the allegations of trade rape, claiming mutual consent was present on the night in question. The RFLaw department is seriously pursuing resolution of the case. Both main figures in the alleged trade rape, Emmitt Smith and Derrick Alexander, scored 6 points for their respective new teams this week. SUN MAKES APPEARANCE The sun, the local sphere of reactive hot gases around which the earth orbits and relies on for light and heat, was seen in the skies outside of Palo Alto, CA today. Bystanders were not amazed, as this is a daily occurrence in the region. The appearance of the sun, unfettered by even a single passing cloud, has been seen on a daily basis in Western California for quite some time now. The presence of the sun allowed local air temperatures to exceed 70 degrees Farenheit for the 6 billionth day in a row. RFL Management commented, "it was a good thing to move the headquarters here after the infamous RFL'95 campaign." RFL EDITOR MAKES PLEA FOR HELP As reported in WIR7 last week, usual RFL editor Pat Callery suffered a severe stroke last week, incapacitating him to the point that children's hero David E. Brodkin, esq. was brought on for emergency WIR duty. Brodkin excelled in his replacement role, as expected, but when RFL management tried to approach him with a permanent contract, Brodkin was reportedly seen jumping aboard his private jet for the sanctity of his Wellington Festival Center Headquarters in Boston, MA. Current WIR editor Pat Callery, upon spending an unproductive Tuesday at the office for the umpteenth week in a row, made a plea to the fond followers of RFL lore: "Will somebody please volunteer to scribe WIR9, due out Tuesday October 28? It would be greatly appreciated!" Callery added that no special skills are required to compile the weekly scores and recaps found in a typical issue of the WIR. ********************************************************************** Standings ********* PowerBar Division W L GB PF PA STK ==================== = = == === === === Red Rover 6 2 - 253 191 W5 Landlord Luggage 5 3 1 208 168 W1 Team Desai 5 3 1 221 184 L1 Chortl. Tushy Whackers 4 4 2 235 247 W1 Stoker Division W L GB PF PA STK ==================== = = == === === === Bust a Nut 6 2 - 229 190 W1 The Gaseous Wombats 5 3 1 258 211 W2 Reinvigorated Romanians 2 6 4 94 214 L3 Big City Blade Runners 1 7 5 131 229 L1 Clif Bar Division W L GB PF PA STK =================== = = == === === === Potential for Destruct. 4 4 2 253 217 W1 Stoked Salmon 4 4 2 232 243 L1 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 4 4 2 246 227 W1 Blackhearts 4 4 2 203 194 L1 MET-Rx Division W L GB PF PA STK ===================== = = == === === === The Cream Machine 4 4 1 238 208 L2 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 5 3 1 180 218 L1 Grandma's Cussin' 2 6 3 199 183 L4 The Surge 3 5 4 219 275 W2 ********************************************************************** Week 8 in Review ---- - -- ------ ****************************** ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** ****************************** Chortling Tushy Whackers 24 Big City Blade Runners 12 Rascal Romanians 0 Brods, as WIR editor, shows his commitment to continuing the trend of showcasing "alternative" GOTWs, spotlights this sorry matchup with his own team of headcases against the pitiful cellar dwellers. Brods, as "trade rapist", scoffs in the face of legit offers while kniving his way into the psyche of unsuspecting Clark Goebel. Next thing you know Brods has brought Emmitt Smith into his house of sin while poor Clark is left crying on a barren street corner. That's how these molesters operate, and all the league should be on the lookout for more of this horrific abuse by Brods and his kind. Emmitt added insult to injury by scoring the first of many TDs to come against his former caretaker. blake 0 smith 6 martin 3 rison 12 bruce 0 asher 0 anderson 3 marino 0 brown 0 davis 0 alexander 6 johnson 0 coates 6 brien 0 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Red Rover 34 Stoked Salmon 27 Rowdy Romanians 0 The downfall of Stoked Salmon continues, as a 21 point attack from Rover RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar leads streaking Red Rover to their league best 5th win in a row, and a continued grip on first place. Salmon GM P. Callery has already lost more games this season than he lost all of last year with the one and only RAMPAGING GIBBONS!!! Rover WR Keenan McCardell bust out of his season long shell to add the critical 9 points for the Rover victory. odonnell 0 karim 21 stewart 0 reed 0 mccardell 9 sharpe 0 delgreco 4 brunell 10 bettis 9 dillon 0 brown 0 mcduffie 0 popson 0 johnson 6 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Bust a Nut 31 Team Desai 20 Red Romanians 0 Bombyx boys keep pace with Red ROver with a solid win over the over- hyped, over-rated, and over-noticed Team Desai, despite the continued hot play of RB Barry Sanders. Ricky Watters led a solid attack with 9 for Bustanut, after which Dave Brodkin allegedly attempted to "pickup-rape" him from Bustanut. RFL intelligence intervened and the confused Watters was led back to Bombyx HQ. Newly acquired Bombyx PK Pete Stoyanovich came back to haunt Team Desai, only 2 weeks after being cut loose. In a related story, Jason Elam scored 5 for Desais after another attemped "pickup rape" by the Blackhearts earlier in the week. george 6 watters 9 anderson 3 martin 0 smith 6 jones 0 stoyanovich 7 aikman 6 sanders 9 anders 0 carruth 0 hastings 0 green 0 elam 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Landlord Luggage 30 Retarded Romanians 0 RFL prognosticator Dave Brods was prophetic when he went out on a limb to say Terrell Davis would beat the Romanians singlehandedly. Davis scored a routine 20, while pounding the excrement out of, and back in to, the Romanians. The 4th (i think??) goose-egg in league history will go in with a semi-asterisk, as Vesh neglected to find a replacement for his shitty bye-week kicker, Jeff Jaegermeister, and both his rostered QBs sat on the sidelines for their respective clubs. banks 0 davis 20 faulk 3 sheppard 0 johnson 0 mitchell 0 boniol 7 xxxxx 0 warren 0 garner 0 moore 0 early 0 riemersma 0 xxxxx 0 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Potential for Destruction 27 Grandma's Cussin' 20 Rigormortis Romanians 0 P4D rebounds to .500, but lose their league points lead in the process. Eddie George had a solid 15 points to lead the way. Meanwhile, an even grander underachiever, the Grandmas, drop their 4th straight, keeping pace with those Rasacally Romanians. Despite the best efforts of Drew Bledsoe and Mike Alstott, not to mention the emergence of WR Bert Emanuel, the Grandma's have lost game after frustrating game. Team management has considered moving practices out of the retirement home and back onto grass fields to help rejuvenate the ailing geriatrics. stewart 6 george 15 smith 0 smith 0 sanders 0 bruener 0 hall 6 bledsoe 9 centers 0 thomas 0 glenn 0 emanuel 6 byars 0 vinatieri 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge 49 Mighty Mighty Gnomes 22 Revivalist Romanians 0 The Fiends jump back to .500 and a surprising 4th highest league point total with a resounding thumping of the Meager Gnomes, who drop a game out of their previous first place perch. The 49er contingent powered the Fiends this week, as Terry Kirby scored a career high 17 points and Terrell Owens chipped in a whopping 12. Even journeyman RB Steve Broussard got into the action, scoring 6 in his first RFL start in several years. However, the first career start for BU engineering Prof. Nirav Madanshetty (aka "Dad") for the Gnomes at RB proved to be less fruitful, as he could not make up the 28 points needed for a victory. vinny 6 broussard 6 kirby 17 owens 12 jackson 0 mcgee 0 hanson 8 elway 9 wheatley 0 xxxxx 0 stokes 0 mccaffrey 6 crumpler 0 kasay 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Gaseous Wombats 37 Cream Machine 31 Rusted Romanians 0 The Wombats storm into the league points lead (ed: shamelessly fueling Joebob IHS) with a solid showing against rival Dave Wang and the Cream Machine. 15 of their 37 came from first-time starters Danny Kanell, William Floyd, and Jermaine Lewis (more IHS fuel), while 15 more came from this year's surprise RB phenom, Napoleon Kaufman. kanell 6 kaufman 15 floyd 6 irvin 0 jewis 3 walls 0 stover 7 pete 3 allen 6 phillips 0 moore 0 thigpen 9 dudley 6 cunningham 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Surge 20 Blackhearts 9 Romanians 0 The Blackhearts edged the Romanians, but couldn't hold off a surging Surge squad, who picked up a solid SCRUB W to move to 3-5 and back in playoff contention! The Blackhearts made scientific history as they were able to clone Team Desai K Jason Elam, and have him in sufficient working order to score a duplicate 5 points. Unfortunately, aging riot grrrrrl rocker Joan Jett got the nod at QB this week and scored the very rare "-5 point play" to negate the cloned Elam's efforts. young 6 johnson 6 morris 0 fryar 0 morton 6 wycheck 0 hollis 2 xxxxx -5 murrell 6 hearst 3 pickens 0 metcalf 0 bjornson 0 xxxxx 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ********************************************************************** Hey! Don't forget to update your league roster.... Transactions ADD DROP ============ === ==== 16-machine QB Rodney Peete QB Dave Brown 10-pot4des WR Frank Sanders WR Brett Perriman 10-pot4des PK Todd Peterson TE David Sloan 9-salmon PK Norm Johnson TE Andrew Glover 14-cussin WR Chris Calloway WR Jeff Graham 14-cussin TE Keith Byars RB Ernest Byner 14-cussin TE Fred Baxter TE Kyle Brady 2-desais QB Wade Wilson RB Amp Lee 10-pot4des WR Eric Moulds WR Frank Sanders 9-salmon RB Sherman Williams PK Norm Johnson 4-chortles RB Tiki Barber RB Lamar Smith 2-desais RB Charles Way QB Wade Wilson ********************************************************************** SEASON PTS LEADERS ****************** QB Brad Johnson (Blackhearts) 60 Drew Bledsoe (Grandma's Cussin') 60 Jeff George (Bust a Nut) 58 Vinny Testaverde (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 53 John Elway (Mighty Mighty Gnomes) 52 RB Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 84 Barry Sanders (Team Desai) 69 Napoleon Kaufman (Gaseous Wombats) 60 Eddie George (Potential for Destruction) 53 Robert Smith (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 48 Raymont Harris (The Surge) 48 Curtis Martin (Chortling Tushy Whackers) 48 Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 48 Warrick Dunn (Red Rover) 45 WR Cris Carter (Landlord Luggage) 48 Tim Brown (Stoked Salmon) 42 Herman Moore (Cream Machine) 39 Jake Reed (Potential for Destruction) 36 Jimmy Smith (Bust a Nut) 36 Terrell Owens (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 36 TE Wesley Walls (Gaseous Wombats) 33 Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 33 Ben Coates (Blade Runners) 24 PK Adam Vinatieri (Grandma's Cussin') 61 Ryan Longwell (Stoked Salmon) 58 Al DelGreco (Red Rover) 54 ********************************************************************** CALS' CORNER ===== ====== Unfortunately, by the time the rest of the WIR is ready to roll off to the presses, your humble columnist simply has no creative juices left to philosiphize on the hallowed pages of Cals' Corner these days. RFL management is currently accepting applications for regular or guest columns. Please send an article on anything at all to Cals at callery@corp.hp.com The rest of the league would like to hear your opinions! Also, since an entire continent currently separates the league's GMs, it is quite possible that some of the newer GMs have not and never will get to meet some of the others in person. So, it would be wonderful for any GMs to just send in a brief bio, or autobio, of any other GM. It doesn't even have to be you! Unauthorized bios are welcome!!! I'm not joking!!!! Let us hear you!!!!! Take the initiative!!!! * Entry Fees Congratulations go out to Stan WIlson and Clark Goebel for joining the entry fee club! RFL law enforcement now has critical mass to pursue the remaining offenders individually. Attention to the following GMs, your days are numbered!!! Snehal/Shivan Desai Joe Pynadath Josh Veshia Chris Carroll Tim Purwin Let's go!!! Cough that shit up, pronto! RFLHQ 405 Fremont Ave. Los Altos, CA 94024 ********************************************************************** RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB Mark Brunell (Stoked Salmon) 10 RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar (Red Rover) 21 Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 20 Terry Kirby (Fiends Uv CK) 17 Napoleon Kaufman (Wombats) 15 WR Terrell Owens (Fiends Uv CK) 12 Andre Rison (Chortling Tushy) 12 TE Ben Coates (Blade Runners0 6 Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 6 K Norm Johnson (Stoked Salmon) 8 Jason Hanson (Fiends Uv CK) 8 ************** ** Week 8 total: 89 Wow, where's the kickers?! ********************************************************************** Week 9 RFL Action ---- - --- ------ Teams off this week: DETROIT LIONS NEW YORK JETS ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** 1- Red Rover (6-2, 31.6) vs 10-Pot for Destruct (4-4, 31.6) Red Rover has ridden a 5-game winning streak into overall first place, while Potential for Destruction has been among the league points leaders all season long. With just 6 games to play in the regular season, P4D can't afford to lose any more if they want to keep their Steamroller title hopes alive. Red Rover controls their own destiny! Although it's still a little early to go projecting Steamrollers like that, this game is (cliche) pivotal to the Steamroller stackup. Red Rover Potential 4 Destruct ========== ==================== QB Brett Favre <- Kordell Stewart RB Karim Abdul-Jabbar -> Eddie George RB Warrick Dunn <- Antowain Smith WR Keenan McCardell -> Jake Reed WR Andre Reed <- Rod Smith TE Shannon Sharpe <- Mark Bruener PK Al Del Greco <- Todd Peterson Brett Favre is back after a week off, and Red Rover none the worse for his bye week. Abdul-Jabbar and Dunn are RFL's highest scoring backfield, believe it or not! P4D's power trio of Stewart, George, and Reed are going to have to come through big if they want to knock off the league leaders. Seto's bunch have proven their streak is no fluke: after disposing of Blade Runners and Romanians, they have beaten Bust a Nut, Gaseous Wombats, and Stoked Salmon in the other 3. *** Cals' Line: Red Rover by 7 *** ********************************************************************** Other tilts: FAVE SPREAD DOG ========= ====== =========== 9- Stoked Salmon (4-4, 29.0) 2 2- Team Desai (5-3, 27.6) 8- Bust a Nut (6-2, 28.6) 6 3- Lando Luggage (5-3, 26.0) 4- Cho Tush Whak (3-3, 31.7) 26 7- Rumble Romanians (2-6, 11.8) 5- Gaseous Wombats (5-3, 32.3) 6 15-The Surge (3-5, 27.4) 16-Cream Machine (4-4, 29.8) 14 6- Blade Runners (1-7, 16.4) 11-Fiends Uv C K (3-3, 27.8) 8 14-Grandma's Cussin (2-6, 24.9) 12-Blackhearts (4-4, 25.4) 3 13-Mighty Gnomes (5-3, 22.5) Lineups due by 1pm eastern sunday!!!! (but preferably by friday afternoon!) RFL Hotline: (415) 917-1619