Reading Filthy Literature Week 7 October 14, 1997 RFL WEEK IN REVIEW by guest editor: David Brodkin ********************************************************************** COMMISSIONER CALLERY ENTERS REHAB (MENTAL STABILITY IN QUESTION) On October 10th 1997, Commissioner Patrick J. Callery entered a Palo Alto rehabilitation center for a rare mental disorder, known as compulsive paranoia syndrome (CPS). Callery did not make a public announcement, though RFLHQ issued a press release disclosing the secret that has sent RFL nation into shock waves. To the even the casual RFL observer, it was obvious that Callery's grade has deteriorated since the season's beginning. His first symptoms appeared during senseless rumblings about scrub losses, but the severity of his condition reached a summit in WIR#6 when he proclaimed injustice for his 3-3 record, despite a mediocre 7th place in Points Scored. Behold the ravings of a man gone mad: "You know I have the best team out there!! Why are you doing this to me??!!!?!?!?!?!?! And why does Kordell never give Bettis the ball on the goalline??!! What the hell is KiJana Carter doing back in uniform??!! Why does Tim Brown get TDs called back from stupid penalties every week??!! Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!!" Following the press release, Callery's phychotherapist, Daphne (whom Callery has previously referred to by the code name "dental assistant") spoke frankly at an internationally televised press conference. "The emotional stress from eight pressure-packed years as the Commissioner of RFL, Chief Editor of WIR, and General Manager have taken their toll on Patrick", stated Daphne. "Their is only so much mental strain that even the strongest of men can bare". Callery's absence clears the way for former guest editor, David E. Brodkin, to take WIR#7 responsibilities in the interim. The Commissioner, who has established a reputation for having built RFL bottom-up into a thriving world-class rotisserie league through his integrity & charisma, is expected back in one week's time. Daphne addressed a stunned RFL community, "Patrick will enter our Paranoia Release Program & may reassume partial RFL responsibilities by Week 8, but please understand that he must cope with this problem for the rest of his life". On the field, Callery's Stoked Salmon sent Grandma's Cussin' downstream with a 30-27 squeaker. Rookie Dylan Steeg surged to a league high 53 points to beat the cryptic Friends uv Carnal Knowledge. In one of RFL's biggest rivalries (if not thee), Joseph Pynadath's Gaseous Wombats intoxicated the Chortling Tushy Whackers, averting Brodkin's revenge for defeat in the greatest Aglione Bowl ever, a 45-45 tie with a 25-24 benchpoint advantage to Pynadath. EMMITT SMITH SENT PACKING A former RFL superstar was sent packing by Clark Gobel's last place Big City Blade Runners. Gobel gains two starters, Derrick Alexander and RB Gary Brown from David Brodkin's Chortling Tushy Whackers in exchange for Smith and another Smith of no relation, Seattle Seahawk RB - Lamar. Brodkin's depth at WR (Freeman, Rison, and Bruce) allowed him to deal for an unknown quantity. Smith has been ineffective running through an aging Cowboys offensive line through 7 games, a mere shell of the man who ran for 25 TD's a few seasons ago. WANG DECLARES WAR ON PAPARAZZI David Wang, known as RFL's most photographed man, has begun a campaign to put an end to the ceaseless hounding of the RFL superstars. "The heedless invasions into our private lives MUST come to an end", declared Wang, who was caught on film during a romantic interlude with 3 out of the 5 Spice Girls (all known RFL fanatics). Wang also linked the relentless photographers to Jerry Rice's season ending injury, claiming the flashes blinded him from noticing a 300+ pound Warren Sapp rearing down his throat. Ladies & gentlemen, this is the RFL Week in Review ********************************************************************** Standings What you talkin' bout Willis? Division W L GB PF PA STK ==================== = = == === === Red Rover 5 2 - 219 164 W4 Team Desai 5 2 - 201 153 W2 Landlord Luggage 4 3 1 178 166 L1 Chortl. Tushy Whackers 3 4 2 211 235 L1 What you talkin' bout Kimberly? Division W L GB PF PA STK ==================== = = == === === === Bust a Nut 5 2 - 198 170 L1 The Gaseous Wombats 4 3 1 221 180 W1 Renaissance Romanians 2 5 3 94 184 L2 Big City Blade Runners 1 6 4 117 205 W1 What you talkin' bout Mr. Drummond? Division W L GB PF PA STK =================== = = == === === === Stoked Salmon 4 3 1 205 209 W1 Blackhearts 4 3 1 194 174 W1 Potential for Destruct. 3 4 2 226 197 L1 Fiends Uv Carnal Knowl. 3 4 2 197 205 L2 * What you talkin' bout Mrs. Garrett? Division W L GB PF PA STK ===================== = = == === === === Mighty Mighty Gnomes 5 2 - 158 169 W2 The Cream Machine 4 3 1 207 171 L1 The Surge 2 5 3 199 266 W1 Grandma's Cussin' 2 5 3 179 156 L3 * Mrs. Garrett of "Facts of Life" fame actually appeared on Diff'rent Strokes as the Drummonds housekeeper for several episodes. ********************************************************************** Week 7 in Review ---- - -- ------ ****************************** ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** ****************************** Red Rover - 36 Bust-A-Nut - 13 In the commissioner's GOTW - a battle of super rookie GMs, Ed Seto's Red Rover puts in another impressive performance led by all-world QB Brett Favre and a well-rounded running attack. Chris Carroll made some fancy maneuvers to acquire Doug Pelfrey, but nearly let Tony Martin slip from his grasp. Alas, the official ruling was that Carroll intended to drop TE, Troy Drayton, thus maintaining the rights to Martin. A little FYI to old friend Ed Seto: James Stewart had a mere 33 points to add to your bench point total. That's more than 13 out of 16 teams this week. favre 9 karim 9 dunn 6 reed 0 mccardell 0 Santiago 0 delgreco 12 frerotte 3 watters 3 j.anderson 6 westbrook 0 smith 0 jones 0 pelfrey 1 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Team Desai - 45 Radioactive Romanians - 5 Much unlike his shorthanded Week7 foe, Prodigy GM and unabashed trash-talker Shivan Desai has been no stranger to the transaction wire. Despite an imminent return, Shivan dropped the idle Isaac Bruce for dynamo dual threat RB, Amp Lee. Lee was short-circuited in running for -2 yards, but Barry Sanders made up for the performance with 215 yards & 3 TDs. After the game, Shivan Desai spoke fervently live from his super-nintendo system, "u 2 will b subject to the wrath of Team Desai!". Snehal was unavailable for comment. aikman 3 sanders 27 lee 0 brooks 0 hastings 6 dunn 0 dalouiso 9 graham 0 warren 0 garner 0 moore 0 early 0 jay r. 0 jaeger 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Landlord Luggage - 9 Bladerunners - 27 After having lost his first 6 games as an RFL GM, Clark Gobel's Big City Blade Runners finally get on the board! A resurgent Dan Marino lead the way with 12 points. Luckily for Gobel, John Wilson was without his star RB (Terrell Davis). Wilson replaced Davis with Michael Flatley, the bare-chested Irish step-dancer. "He moves his feet so quickly", perplexed Wilson. "I was certain he would succeed at RB". Alas, it was not meant to be. In the post-game press conference, Keyshaun Johnson publicly apologized for ripping Gobel in his off-season autobiography, "Give me the Damn Ball!" banks 0 faulk 0 ****** carter 6 johnson 0 mitchell 0 boniol 3 marino 12 smith 0 davis scott 0 johnson 6 coates 6 brien 5 ************************************** **** THE PEOPLE'S GAME ********* **** THE WEEK ********* ************************************** Chortling Tushy Whackers - 21 Gaseous Wombats - 28 In this longtime rivalry, Pynadath got the best of his former roommate. A called-back Jaime Asher TD thwarted Brodkin's Monday night comeback attempt. An Irvin TD clinched it for the Pynadath, whose team name was inspired by his 1993 post-splenectomy recovery period in which he felt like a gaseous wombat. Much controversy transpired over the fact that this game was not named GOTW. Pynadath speaks out in the Brodz Breakdown. blake 0 martin 9 biakabatuka 0 freeman 0 bruce 0 asher 0 anderson 12 e.kramer 9 allen 0 w.floyd 0 kennison 0 irvin 6 walls 6 mare 7 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Grandma's Cussin' - 27 Stoked Salmon - 30 All personnel of the Palo Alto Mental Rehabilitation Institution were given strict instructions to not inform Callery that Jacksonville scored 38 points via 5 rushing TD's, thus robbing brunell of big pointage. Callery was informed after a Stoked Salmon victory was secured, and he reportedly accepted Brunell's misfortune in stride. Daphne saw this as a marked improvement. However, "the true test", she warned "comes during his next defeat". Callery, incidentally, is offering a grab bag of RFL plug-ins for a premier running back. Stan Wilson, the inspiration for MTV's youth-powered drama "Austin Stories", announced a contest to design a brand new Grandma's Cussin' team logo. The winner takes home a pair of armadillo skin cowboy boots. bledsoe 6 centers 0 alstott 0 glenn 0 emanuel 6 brady 0 vinatieri 15 brunell 0 bettis 12 dillon 6 miller 0 mcduffie 6 glover 0 longwell 6 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Potential For Destruction - 8 Mighty Mighty Gnomes - 20 As Lance himself might say, "Yikes!" Folks, this one was kind of scrubby. Harry's attack included a 6 spot from harbaugh, levens, bates and a solid TE performance by Marv Albert (in an attempt to rebuild a second life as an RFL mainstay). "In life, everyone deserves second chances", declared Harry. "RFL may be the venue for Marv to get that chance ." Archibald's squad, which leads the league in points, showed potential for self-destruction (yikes, sorry about the corny headline, I should work for the Boston Herald). stewart 0 george 3 smith 0 reed 0 copeland 3 bruener 0 hall 2 harbaugh 6 levens 6 bates 6 brisby 0 jefferson 0 ****** kasay 2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Friends of Carnal Knowledge - 30 The Sssssuuuuurrrrrgggge - 53 Dylan Steeg WENT OFF in Week 7. Irving Fryar leads the way with 21. Steeg attributes the victory to an "ovaltine & jamba juice concoction" which he gave the boys at pre-game breakfast (whatever that is). Tim Purwin puts up good #'s, but comes up empty. collins 0 smith 9 kirby 0 owens 12 brown 0 mcgee 0 hanson 9 young 9 a.johnson 0 r.harris 9 fryar 21 mathis 0 wycheck 6 hollis 8 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Cream Machine - 10 Blackhearts - 30 Hey folks, this is RFL's answer to NBA's 4 point play. Check the record books, but for perhaps the first time in RFL history we have a 9 point play. In the Vikings defeat of Carolina, the Blackheart's Brad Johnson tossed a pass off another player, caught the ball, and ran for a touchdown. bam, bam, bam - 9 points. In a post-game frenzy, Dave Wang smashed an unsuspecting photographer's camera, emptied the negatives, and proceeded to eat the film as a display of defiance. detmer 3 carter 0 mcelroy 0 moore 3 thigpen 0 harris 0 cunningham 4 brad 12 murrell 0 hearst 3 pickens 0 muhammad 0 chmura 12 husted 3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ************ Transactions ADD DROP ============ === ==== 5-wombats RB William Floyd RB Stephen Davis 12-hearts QB Steve Beuerlein QB John Friesz 4-chortle WR Isaac Bruce WR Jermaine Lewis 10-p4dest WR Brett Perriman WR Fred Barnett 5-wombats WR Jermaine Lewis WR Frank Sanders 6-Blade WR Fred Barnett WR Mike Pritchard 8-Bust-a-nut PK Pete Stoyanovich PK John Carney 8-Bust-a-nut PK Doug Pelfrey TE Troy Drayton 1-Red Rover TE OJ Santiago PK Morten Andersen 2-Team Desai WR Rae Carruth TE Jason Dunn 16-Cream QB Danny Wuerffel TE Jackie Harris 4-chortle RB Stephen Davis RB Tiki Barber 4-chortle RB Emmitt Smith RB Gary Brown 4-chortle RB Lamar Smith WR Derrick Alexander 6-Blade RB Gary Brown RB Emmitt Smith 6-Blade WR Derrick Alexander RB Lamar Smith missed dibs: Stephen Davis - pot4des, salmon, wombats (pot4des has outscored tushy whackers 226-211, and therefore loses dibs) ********************************************************************** SEASON PTS LEADERS (no new leaders added to board ) ****************** QB Brad Johnson (Blackhearts) 60 Jeff George (Bust a Nut) 52 Drew Bledsoe (Grandma's Cussin') 51 Vinny Testaverde (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 47 John Elway (Mighty Mighty Gnomes) 43 RB Terrell Davis (Landlord Luggage) 64 Robert Smith (Fiends Uv Carnal Knowledge) 48 Raymont Harris (The Surge) 48 Napoleon Kaufman (Gaseous Wombats) 45 Warrick Dunn (Red Rover) 45 Curtis Martin (Chortling Tushy Whackers) 45 Eddie George (Potential for Destruction) 38 Mike Alstott (Grandma's Cussin') 36 WR Cris Carter (Landlord Luggage 48 Tim Brown (Stoked Salmon) 42 Herman Moore (Cream Machine) 39 Jake Reed (Potential for Destruction) 36 Antonio Freeman (Tushy Whackers) 33 Jimmy Smith (Bust a Nut) 30 TE Wesley Walls (Gaseous Wombats) 33 Rickey Dudley (Cream Machine) 27 PK Ryan Longwell (Stoked Salmon) 58 Adam Vinatieri (Grandma's Cussin') 56 Matt Stover (Gaseous Wombats) 39 ********************************************************************** THE BRODZ BREAKDOWN ===== ====== First order of business is the GOTW. The long-time rivalry of Pynadath vs. Brodkin was neglected for Week 7 GOTW. Many RFL diehards responded with outrage. After I mentioned my own displeasure, Joe Pynadath himself spoke out, and here are his comments…. "Dammit Dave, you gave the commissh a "hard time"?? Is this just a game to you? I'm afraid a "hard time" just doesn't cut it anymore! We're no longer naive freshmen being brainwashed with RFL by that swashbuckling Minnesotan. We must not allow ourselves to be pushed around by the evil commish. Its obvious that he is NOT IN TUNE with the needs of the league. Here are the facts Dave: 1) 1st ever rematch of the single greatest game in the 7 year RFL history 2) Both our teams have higher scoring averages than the game of the week teams 3) Clash of former co-gm's (Citgo Bombers) in the 1st ever RFL season 4) Clash of legendary gm's with a long and storied history 5) Clash of the 96 GM of the year vs. the 96 runner-up GM of the year. Nothing else needs to be said." - Joe These are convincing arguments by Mr. Pynadath. It's hard to imagine denying such a game, but no debate is a fair one unless both sides are heard. In his first words since his institutionalization, here are Commissioner Callery's comments: "ahhh, my friend, i debated over that one long and hard. a most difficult predicament! It came down to tradition vs. implications to current league standings. RFL has always been about equality (don't let those IFEJ terrorists tell you different), and some of these youngsters have never known the thrill of being in the spotlight that GOTW so graciously affords. So I agree, while CTW/Wombats presents one of the finest RFL rivalries of our generation, we need to remain open to the reality of current events. And based on recent play, I see two teams here, BustaNut and Red Rover, that are legitimate contenders to the Steamroller throne this year. This, my friend, is a very big game." - commish So there you have it, 2 excellent games: one representing tradition, rivalry, and a link to RFL's past - the other representing youth, the influx of new talent, and the ever-changing present. FAN OF THE WEEK: The Week 7 "Fan of the Week" is Mr. Kenneth B. Cordio, who hails all the way from the cornfields of Nebraska. Mr. Cordio was distraught that his WIR subscription was negated by Nebraska's lack of internet technology. However, he personally saw to it that his state get with the 20th century, thus enabling him to receive e-mail and WIR. Upon doing so, Cordio read the first 6 "Week in Reviews" in a single sitting, which is known to be an RFL record. Please help congratulate our FAN OF THE WEEK as we reward him with an all expenses paid trip to Pasadena, CA, the home of Aglione Bowl VIII. Hey You! Yeah, that's right I'm talking to you. You too can write for the WIR. As you know, WIR is still accepting applications for future guest editor cameos. Spotting as guest editor gives one a true appreciation for Chief Editor of the RFL WIR, Patrick Callery, and his amazing skill of producing this publication on a weekly basis. Also (as always), if you'd like to test the waters on your literary skills before going into full-blown WIR editorship, write an essay to be published within the WIR. Share your thoughts, perspective, feelings, and commentary on the state of RFL. Entry Fees: Ed Seto & John WIlson coughed up entry fees. Hooray! Send them to: RFLHQ 405 Fremont Ave. Los Altos, CA 94024 ********************************************************************** RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB Marino (Blade) 12 Johnson (Blackhearts) 12 RB Sanders (Desai) 27 Bettis (Salmon) 12 WR Fryar (Surge) 21 Owens (Friends) 12 TE Chmura (Blackhearts) 12 K Vinatieri (Cussin') 15 ************** ** Week 7 total: 95 ********************************************************************** Week 8 RFL Action ---- - --- ------ Teams off this week: CHICAGO BEARS GREEN BAY PACKERS MINNESOTA VIKINGS TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS ****** GAME OF THE WEEK ****** Callery's GOTW formula may pit a couple decent 5-2 teams together (i.e. Team Desai vs. Bust a Nut), but sometimes we have to embrace life's irony. CTW's and BCBR get billboarding since they are facing each other after completing the league's most significant trade. Gobel traded a struggling Emmitt Smith to the Chortling Tushy Whackers for a starting WR & RB, D. Alexander and G. Brown respectively. Brodkin, whose Whackers have struggled in their own right, are hoping that Smith will come out of his season long funk. Both teams shake up their lineups… 4-C.Tushy Whackers (3-4) 6-Big City Blade Runners (1-6) Jeff Blake = Dan Marino Curtis Martin <<- Gary Brown Emmitt Smith <- Troy Davis Andre Rison -> Derrick Alexander Isaac Bruce = Keyshaun Johnson Jaime Asher -> Ben Coates Gary Anderson <- Cole Ford Don't mean to hog the billing, but the pre-game trade makes for an interesting matchup. CTW's are missing Freeman, and the Blade Runners by no means overmatched. **** Brodz line**** CTW's by 2 ********************************************************************* Other tilts: FAVE SPREAD DOG ========= ====== =========== 9-Stoked Salmon (4-3) 5 1-Red Rover (5-2) Seto's missing Favre & Dunn, but watch out for James Stewart! 8-Bust-a-Nut (5-2) 8 2-Team Desai (5-2) George, Watters, Anderson, Tmartin are too much for the boy wonder. Team Desai's luck run thin. 3-Landlord Luggage (4-3) 12 7-Recapitulated Romanians (2-5) No Cris Carter, but T. Davis should beat the Romanians singlehandedly 5-Gaseous Wombats (4-3) 3 16-The Cream Machine (4-3) The Wombats will be hurting if Terry Allen stays out 10-Pot4Des (3-4) 2 14-Grandma's Cussin' (2-5) Here's a couple teams not meeting their potential. The pot4des running game is still pretty strong w/out means 11-FUCK (3-4) 5 13-Mighty Gnomes (5-2) No levens for Lance & his league's luckiest team, FUCK is better 12-Blackhearts (4-3) E 15-The Surge (2-5) The blackhearts are strong, but Steeg is on the up and up If you have anyone playing Thursday (SD vs. KC), your lineup is due by Thursday 8pm EST!!!!!!!!! RFL Hotline: (415) 917-1619 For an audio recording of the above transcript dictated by Leonard Nimoy, please send $0.75, a blank cassette, and a self-addressed-stamped envelope to RFL Listenin', 29/33 Wellington St. #401, Boston MA 02118. Offer available in 49 states. Sorry North Dakota!