RFL Week in Review 96-15 |
| Running From Luscious | Week 15 | December 10, 1996 |
| **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** |
*FOUR CONTENDERS LEFT IN QUEST FOR AGLIONE*
*DEMI MOORE TO POSE NUDE FOR COVER OF RFL YEAR IN REVIEW*
Ahhh yes, it’s getting down to crunch time. This first week of playoff action eliminated the field down to four worthy contenders: Rampaging Gibbons of the Apocalypse, Luscious Brodkin, Hooligans a’ Whompin’ and a Whoopin’, and Willie’s Wankers. The biggest excitement came from a nearly fulfilled upset bid by the lowly Digital Rectal over the Patrick Callery’s Steamroller Champion squad. In the semifinal matchups, Callery will be facing Pynadath’s Hooligans in continuance of a vicious rivalry conceived in the dawn of RFL. In the other, Luscious Brodkin, the all-time scoringest team in history, will be facing Willie’s Wankers.
After the 1995 season, the RFL community was sent into an uproar when the highly anticipated ''Year in Review'' was not published, after the files mysteriously disappeared from the editor’s safe. In an effort to compensate the fan, this year’s edition will include many special features including the appearance of curvaceous Demi Moore on the cover. Her unclad physique will be painted with a full -body collage of team logos from each RFL’96 franchise. The controversial cover-girl is second cousin twice removed to Digital Rectal WR Herman.
*WHERE HAVE YOU GONE PATRICK CALLERY, A NATION TURNS ITS LONELY EYES TO YOU*
In other developing news, RFL Commissioner & self-proclaimed guru, Patrick J. Callery, suffered an injury that will keep him out for at least one week of editorial action. Callery’s editorials and game wrap-ups are famous for the inclusion of insightful quotes by various members of the RFL community. With quips in quest during the post-game press conference last Sunday, Callery asked Rabid Gnomes GM, Lance Harry, if his team’s lack of success could be attributed to his rotating quarterback scheme. In response, Harry lifted the podium and heaved it across the room onto a befuddled Callery. The impact of the podium overwhelmed Callery, aggravating a previous massive head injury he sustained during the ’95 offseason, falling down a stairwell. The podium was sent to the Guiness Museum of World Records for the world’s longest podium toss.
On his hospital bed, Callery had a message for the people. From his weakened lips came forth the words, ''nikdorb, nikdorb, nikduhhhhh…..'', before he slipped into comatose. A team of linguisticists brought into RFL World headquarters associated Callery’s mutterings back to the Ancient Aztec culture, who worshipped ''Nikdorbis'', the powerful God of cauliflower. In modern English, nikdorb is translated to ''brodkin''. Of course, the fallen Callery was calling for Luscious Brodkin GM & long-time nemesis, David Brodkin, to write the Week in Review in his place.
Week in Review... NEXT!
''Brods, no need to report standings during playoffs'' - Cals
Oh yeah Cals??? I’ll do it anyway!!!!
STANDINGS
| W | L | GB | PF | PA | STK | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| * Rampaging Gibbons | 13 | 2 | - | 521 | 380 | W8 |
| * Luscious Brodkin | 11 | 4 | 2 | 615 | 416 | W7 |
| * HAWAAW | 10 | 5 | 3 | 436 | 366 | W2 |
| Store 24 | 10 | 5 | 3 | 402 | 359 | L1 |
| * Willie's Wankers | 9 | 6 | 4 | 462 | 352 | W1 |
| Pistol Whippers | 9 | 6 | 4 | 399 | 386 | L1 |
| Ghost in a Helmet | 7 | 8 | 6 | 405 | 430 | L2 |
| Digital Rectal | 7 | 8 | 6 | 372 | 425 | L5 |
| ------------------- | ||||||
| Globulants | 6 | 9 | 7 | 419 | 428 | W2 |
| Closet Cases | 6 | 9 | 7 | 370 | 373 | W2 |
| Disgruntled P.W. | 5 | 10 | 8 | 361 | 472 | L2 |
| CKLMTG | 5 | 10 | 8 | 335 | 437 | L3 |
| Rumbling Romanians | 4 | 11 | 9 | 358 | 485 | W1 |
| Rabid Gnomes | 3 | 12 | 10 | 272 | 406 | L3 |
QUARTERFINALS IN REVIEW
1- Rampaging Gibbons - 32
8- Digital Rectal - 25
Before we start, please let me say that (as noted by Stan Wilson), Monday’s Midnight Madness is always a 2 beer minimum. Who thought this game would be the one to provide us with that dose of Monday Madness? After mega-running attack, Watters & Bettis, pulled double goose eggs, the stricken Callery was merely staked to a 7 point lead & Tim Brown in facing DR’s Marcus Allen & Derrick Fenner in the Monday night matchup. Fenner comes out of nowhere to score a TD cutting Callery’s lead to one! To put this in perspective, Wagner’s rump inspectors would not have even made the playoffs if contention were based on points or scrub wins. Furthermore, the Rampaging Gibbons were riding a 7 game winning streak in compiling one of the top regular season records in history. Alas, after Fenner’s TD, Callery pops out of his coma, inspiring Tim Brown to score the clincher. Wagner nearly pulled this one out of his ass though.
johnson 9 watters 0 bettis 0 brown 6 metcalf 6 sharpe 0 jacke 11
kelly 7 m.allen 0 fenner 6 h.moore 3 a.reed 0 jackson 6 carney 3
pregame spread: gibbons by 13
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2- Luscious Brodkin - 43
7- Ghost in a Helmet - 27
Spook Donning Headgear GM K. Archibald ends one of the most active rookie campaigns ever. In his first season, he compiled 7 regular season wins, over 100 transaction requests and 1 induced major controversy. With a year under his belt, Archibald may be ready to take the league by storm. A well balanced Luscious attack is led by 13 from Cary Blanchard, who will likely break the record for most field goals in a season this weekend. No RFL team has ever come close to Luscious Brodkin’s scoring proficiency despite the watered down talent pool of a 14 team league. Two wins make them the greatest team in history. Choke on that!
brunell 0 martin 9 b.morris 3 pickens 6 jackson 0 walls 12 blanch 13
bledsoe 3 harris 0 warren 3 sanders 3 j.reed 6 dudley 0 kasay 12
pregame spread: luscious by 16
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3- Store 24 - 16
6- Willie's Wankers - 28
With Emmitt held to 0, Store 24’s hopes were dashed. A Desai victory would have made the semifinals an exclusive 12C alumni reunion. Instead, John Wilson’s genitalia cracks the code and earns a date w/ Luscious Brodkin. Jerry Rice and Jeff Blake lead the attack w/ 9 a piece.
detmer 0 e.smith 0 kirby 0 conway 6 small 0 brady 0 vinatieri 10
blake 9 davis 0 kaufman 3 rice 9 martin 0 jones 6 stoyanovich 1
pregame spread: wankers by 2
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4 - HA_AAW - 27
5 - Pistol Whippers - 19
Joe Pynadath exhibits genius in managing a punchless crew of misfits to the quarterfinals. Pynadath completely restructured the offense to accentuate the whoop, virtually abandoning the whomp which has been ineffective all year. Only 2 hooligans score in handing the over-achieving Whippers an early exit. The resurgent Steve Young carries 6 hooligans on his achy back while gunning his way to 21 points. Young put up 36 points during his 2 game concussionless streak. Pynadath’s former mentor and Mechanical Engineering TF, Dave Wang, begins drafting strategy for RFL ’97.
young 21 t.allen 0 russell 0 bruce 0 mccardell 0 wycheck 0 wilkins 6
favre 12 centers 0 rhett 0 mcduffie 0 stewart 0 dilger 0 anderson 7
pregame spread: hawaaw by 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SCRUB INVITATIONAL
Globulants - 25
Rabid Gnomes - 18
Elliot Jordan, one half of the entrepreneurial furniture dealing tandem, gets the start at QB. Rabid Gnomes come up short, despite the incentive of destroying a man partly responsible for so many annoying commercials. With shareholders concerned for injury, Jordan’s Furniture stocks dips 2 1/8. Barry was unavailable for comment.
***** 0 thomas 0 faulk 15 rison 0 fryar 6 green 0 christie 4
collins 12 carter 0 phillips 0 r.hill 0 glenn 0 carolan 0 elam 6
pregame spread: globs by 9
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Closet Cases - 46
CKLMTG - 22
Stan Wilson bids farewell to RFL ’96, then comes back w/ the week’s highest score. Antonio Freeman pours it on with 24. So much for motivational techniques. Brian Pototo’s Chaka Kahn Lovers are losing ground to arch rivals, Rumbling Romanians, managed by roommate Josh Veshia. With only a 1 game lead, Veshia is within striking distance.
vinny 6 anderson 3 george 6 calloway 0 freeman 24 drayton 0 pelfrey 7
hebert 9 jabbar 3 byner 0 k.johnson 6 alexander 0 asher 0 boniol 4
pregame spread: cases by 2
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Disgruntled Postal Workers - 18
Rumbling Romanians - 31
Wilford Brimley beats Warren Moon as the oldest man to start an RFL game at quarterback. The Brimley-Irvin connection was reminiscent of a youthful Golden-Arm Brodkin tossing bombs to a streaking Brown Wonder.
banks 0 levens 0 stewart/vardell 0 miller 0 carter 6 coates 6 ford 6
***** 0 sanders 9 g.hill 0 perriman 0 irvin 12 pupunu 0 johnson 10
pregame spread: dpw by 1
Lost dibs: none reported
Sorry folks. There will be no Cals’ Corner today! Instead let’s
take a little look at...
********************************************************************
THE BRODZ BREAKDOWN!
For some time it has appeared that Luscious Brodkin and the Rampaging Gibbons have been on a crash course towards meeting each other in Aglione Bowl VII. The Gibbons regular season record of 12-2 has been surpassed only by the famed Dancing Clowns. Brodkin’s Luscious has set new scoring standards for RFL. Message to Callery: It’s almost time to break out the record book and start rewriting! Neither Callery nor Brodkin will be satisfied with anything less than that Aglione glory. Meanwhile, Pynadath & John Wilson are upset-minded. Both teams are hoping to play David in slaying their corresponding Goliaths.
And now introducing...
The Scrub Invitational Tournament! Who says there’s not any
excitement left for the non-contenders? The SIT will be played so
the non-$-winners can prove they deserved to be in the playoffs.
Week 15’s combos of 9-12 and 10-11 will duke it out for a spot in
the Brickman Bowl. The Brickman Bowl’s namesake, Phil Brickman, was
1990’s RFL Man of the Year way back in the inaugural season. This
distinction was voted on by a group of GM peers in consideration for
his valuable contributions to society. Although there is no pay-
day, the Brickman Bowl Champion will receive a lifetime’s supply of
New Orleans Style Gefilte Fish.
And one more thing... didn’t you notice that something seemed
to be missing last January? Yes, that’s because there was no ''Year
in Review'' to recap all the glory, achievement, and controversy.
Here’s a call to the commissioner to make sure it happens. The
''Year in Review'' is always one of the most highly anticipated
publications in literature.
********************************************************
RFL ALL*STARS
*************
QB
21 Steve Young (HAWAAW)
RB
15 Marshall Faulk (Globulants)
9 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin) & Barry Sanders (Rumbling Rom.)
WR
24 Antonio Freeman (Closet Cases)
12 Michael Irvin (Rumbling Rom.)
TE
12 Wesley Walls (Luscious Brodkin)
PK
13 Cary Blanchard (Luscious Brodkin)
**************
Week 15 total: 106 Hmmmm, this proves that the SIT is an under-rated tournament.
RB
134 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin)
126 Terry Allen (HAWAAW)
120 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)
114 Emmitt Smith (Store 24's)
111 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)
84 Jerome Bettis (Rampaging Gibbons)
84 Barry Sanders (Rumbling Romanians)
66 Thurman Thomas (Globulants)
60 Eddie George (Closet Cases)
57 Marcus Allen (Digital Rectal)
57 Larry Centers (Pistol Whippers)
WR
90 Tony Martin (Willie's Wankers)
74 Carl Pickens (Luscious Brodkin)
68 Herman Moore (Digital Rectal)
66 Irving Fryar (Globulants)
60 Jerry Rice (Willie's Wankers)
60 Tim Brown (Rampaging Gibbons)
57 Michael Jackson (Luscious Brodkin)
54 Jake Reed (Ghost in a Helmet)
51 Cris Carter (DG Postal Workers)
48 Curtis Conway (Store 24)
47 Derrick Alexander (CKLMTG)
42 Isaac Bruce (HAWAAW)
42 OJ McDuffie (Pistol Whippers)
TE
72 Shannon Sharpe (Rampaging Gibbons)
53 Ben Coates (DG Postal Workers)
42 Wesley Walls (Luscious Brodkin)
30 Keith Jackson (Digital Rectal)
PK
109 Adam Vinatieri (Store 24)
109 John Kasay (Ghost in a Helmet)
106 John Carney (Digital Rectal)
99 Jason Elam (Rabid Gnomes)
98 Jeff Wilkins (HAWAAW)
| Cals | Advantage | Joebob |
| Brad Johnson | | Steve Young |
| Ricky Watters | | Terry Allen |
| Jerome Bettis | | Leonard Russell |
| Tim Brown | | Isaac Bruce |
| Fred Barnett | | Keenan McKardell |
| Shannon Sharpe | | Frank Wycheck |
| Chris Jacke | | Donaldbain Wilkins |
It’s quite fitting that Callery & Pynadath meet in the playoffs. There would be nothing sweeter to Pynadath than beating his former bunk mate in reaching the Aglione Bowl. When you read Frank Wycheck picked over league leading tight end, Shannon Sharpe, you might say, “Daaaave! Are you insaaaaaane???” I’d tell you that my best guess says Shannon won’t score because he won’t be in there long enough w/ Denver having clinched home field. The Bruce/Brown matchup will be key because both have the potential for an explosion or a goose egg. Steve Young should be strong, but Terry Allen has been slumping. In the end, Callery’s running game should reappear & propel him to victory, but it’s gonna be close. Gibbons by 3
2-Luscious Brodkin (11-4, 41.0) vs 6 - Willie’s Wankers (9-6, 30.1)
| Brodz | Advantage | John |
| Mark Brunell | | Jeff Blake |
| Curtis Martin | | Terrell Davis |
| Morris/Johnson | | Napolean Kaufman |
| Carl Pickens | | Jerry Rice |
| Michael Jackson | | Tony Martin |
| Wesley Walls | | Brent Jones |
| Cary Blanchard | | Pete Stoyanovich |
7 - GIAH vs. 3- Store 24
The winner of this game should take the consolation round. GIAH
will need Raymont Harris back from injury.
Let’s call this one even
9 - Globulants vs. 12 CKLMTG
Dul’s Globulants should have made the playoffs and are odds on
favorites for the Brickman Bowl. They shouldn’t have a problem with
Chaka
Globulants by 7
10 - Closet Cases vs. 11 DPW
Wilson busted out last game. He now realizes there’s incentive.
Storage Space Jobs by 2
And lastly the game that everyone’s been waiting for...
13 - rumbling vs 14 - gnomes
Lance is fighting for pride. Veshia is once again having delusions
of grandeur, thinking his Romanians are league dominators.
Gnomes in an upset by 1
''The only thing as hot as Luscious Brodkin are Brodkin’s own guest appearance WIRs. Here’s hoping Patrick Callery continues to sustain freak injuries on a regular basis.'' - Washington Post
''Pure hilarity! Pure Brodkin! We declare him to be the most whimsical chap of the season.'' - NYTimes
All lineups to Commissioner Callery. Saturday games include:
PHI vs. NYJ and SD vs CHI
You know the deal.
RFL Hotline: (415) xxx-1619
Happy 6th day of Chanukah everybody!!
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Revised: October 30, 2000