The unveiling of the 14th league email address this week brought RFL one step closer to its inevitable conquering of the planet, sources say. For the first time ever, 100% of the league is connected via email. John Wilson, GM of Willie's Wankers and long-time email hold- out, finally completed the circle with the introduction of some other person through whom emails may be sent indirectly to him. It is rumored that the historic email address may be obtained from this week's updated RFL mailing list.

Speculation is running rampant through the league as to who, exactly, this email proxy for the Wankers GM is. Unofficial sources have hinted at the possibility that it could be a girlfriend, roommate, distant relative, or your basic everyday pal. Other sources have indicated that it could be Elvis.

Whomever, with the RFL circle complete, communications links have grown tremendously since 1990 & 91, when a single pencil-scrawled copy of the WIR was circulated around a hushed college lecture hall. Or 1992 & 93, when editor Cals would insert personalized copies under dorm room doors and in College of Engineering mailboxes. Yes folks, this is the golden age.

In a joint effort with NASA and the United Nations, RFL executives hope to launch a WIR with a scrolling text beacon into earth orbit by the year 2003, so all the world may simultaneously read the WIR in the gently glowing twilight directly overhead.

WEEK 12 IN REVIEW

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**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
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Willie's Wankers 35
Disgruntled Postal Workers 10

The Wankers are riding high with a three game winning streak heading into the stretch, this win virtually assuring them of a playoff berth. Terrell Davis, revived after a few quiet weeks, was the one man wrecking crew as he amassed a league-wide RB season high 27 pts. Meanwhile, the Disgruntled Postal Workers have all but wrapped it up to head home for the holidays, extending their losing streak to a league worst 6 games.

hostetler 0 davis 27 kaufman 0 rice 6 martin 0 popson 0 stoyanovich 2
banks 3 levens 0 stewart 0 miller 0 carter 0 coates 0 ford 7
pregame spread: wankers by 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------
CKLMTG 27
Store 24 9

Chaka's boys stay in the thick of the playoff hunt, thanks to a career monday nite from K Chris Boniol. Trailing 9-6 going in against Emmitt, the Gremlins were poised on the brink of non-playoff oblivion. Boniol's superhuman effort left Store 24 GM Snehal Desai emotionally scarred, as he later accused Pototo of running up the score for his own glory. A bench clearing brawl provided a crowd-pleasing finale to the contest.

hebert 6 byner 0 jabbar 0 k.johnson 0 alexander 0 xxxxx 0 boniol 21
detmer 3 e.smith 0 kirby 6 conway 0 small 0 brady 0 vinatieri 0
pregame spread: store 24 by 7
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HAWAAW 29
Rumbling Romanians 19

HAWAAW rolls to their 4th straight win behind strong performances from some unlikely heroes. Much aligned human disgrace Elvis Grbac had a big game to lead all scorers with 9, while Leshon Johnson and Frank Wycheck stepped it up with 6 each, to help offset the unexpected goose egg from league scoring leader Terry Allen. The HAWAAW victory left the Rumbling Romanians mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in GM Josh Veshia's rookie campaign.

grbac 9 t.allen 0 l.johnson 6 bruce 0 beebe 0 wycheck 6 wilkins 8
chandler 6 hill 0 sanders 9 perriman 0 irvin 0 pupunu 0 johnson 4
pregame spread: hawaaw by 8
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Ghost in a Helmet 24
Pistol Whippers 14

Any hope of a Pistol Whippers monday nite comeback was snuffed out by a remarkable GIAH (Dallas) defensive effort. The win keeps Helmet in that coveted #8 playoff spot, 1 game ahead of CKLMTG. WR Jake Reed scored 9 to lead the way, his second big game performance in a row.

bledsoe 1 harris 6 holmes 0 sanders 0 j.reed 9 dudley 0 kasay 8
favre 3 centers 0 murrell 6 mcduffie 0 kennison 0 dilger 0 andersen 5
pregame spread: helmet by 3
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Luscious Brodkin 32
Closet Cases 8

Mark Brunell devastated his former team with a zero point implosion. Even with the QB's goose egg though, Luscious came within 3 points of beating the largest facetious spread handed out in RFL history. WR Michael "Jacko" continued his march up the scoring leaderboard with 6, his fifth straight scoring performance. Closet Cases apparent secret weapon, QB Vinny Testaverde, has been average at best since he stepped into the starting lineup. The dismal 8 point performance leaves the Cases essentially out of the playoffs.

brunell 0 martin 6 morris 0 pickens 0 jackson 6 walls 6 blanchard 14
vinny 3 anderson 0 george 0 calloway 0 davis 0 drayton 0 pelfrey 5
pregame spread: luscious by 27
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Rabid Gnomes 25
Globulants 22

The Gnomes are back! Nothing can stop the diseased midgets from infecting the rest of the league with their overwhelming misery. Globulants suffer their 3rd loss in a row after what briefly appeared to be the beginnings of a stretch run. They still have an outside shot at a playoff spot, but don't count on it. The spoilers rise again!!!

beuerlein 3 carter 6 phillips 6 glenn 0 hill 0 carolan 0 elam 10
elway 9 thomas 6 faulk 0 rison 0 fryar 0 green 0 christie 7
pregame spread: globs by 10
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Rampaging Gibbons 24
Digital Rectal 14

The Gibbons have compiled a 5-game winning streak for the second time this season. A dismal team effort this week was saved by a remarkable individual one, as RB Ricky Watters answered the bell 18 times. TE Shannon Sharpe was amazingly held scoreless for the first time as a starter this season. Digital Rectal is plumetting fast after a 6-1 start, averaging only 14 points in their last 4 losses. One more win, however, will assure them of a playoff berth. One more win for the Gibbons will lock up the Steamroller!

aikman 0 bettis 6 watters 18 brown 0 barnett 0 sharpe 0 jacke 0
bono 3 fenner 0 m.allen 0 galloway 0 h.moore 6 jackson 0 carney 5
pregame spread: gibbons by 9

Lost dibs: Lamar Smith (luscious brodkin)
Late dibs: Jeff Graham, jamie asher (pistol whippers)

THE PLAYOFF PICTURE!!!!

1-Store 24: clinched a playoff berth. A 2-0 finish guarantees money, possibly 2nd place, but even a 1-1 finish could knock them out of $$$.

2-Willie's Wankers: 1 win and in, even 0-2 will get them in, barring unforseen acts of god. Still have a shot at 2nd place $$$.

3-HAWAAW: clinched playoffs. Steamroller very unlikely, but 2nd place is a strong possibility.

4-Ghost in a Helmet: 2 wins clinches, 1 win will probably suffice. Have an outside shot at regular season $$$.

5-Pistol Whippers: 1 win and in. A 2-0 finish could feasibly get 2nd place, but wouldn't even guarantee 5th place $$.

6-Luscious Brodkin: Clinched playoffs. 2 wins plus 2 Gibbons losses should give Luscious the Steamroller. 2 wins regardless clinches 2nd.

7-Globulants: Must go 2-0 with some help to get the #8 spot.

8-Rampaging Gibbons: Clinched 2nd place $$. 1 win clinches Steam.

9-Rumbling Romanians: Eliminated from playoffs.

10-Digital Rectal: 1 win and in. Same scenario as Pistol Whippers.

11-CKLMTG: Must go 2-0 with some help. A 1-1 finish could get them in with a LOT of help and some human sacrifice to the rfl gods.

12-Rabid Gnomes: Eliminated from playoffs.

13-Disgruntled Postal Workers: 2-0 and a miracle for #8.

14-Closet Cases: See DPW above, but capitalize MIRACLE.
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RFL ALL*STARS
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QB
9 John Elway (Globulants) & Elvis Grbac (HAWAAW)

RB
27 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)
18 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)

WR
9 Jake Reed (Ghost in a Helmet)
6 JRice (Willie's Wankers), HMoore (Digital Rectal) & MJackson (Luscious Brodkin)

TE
6 Wesley Walls (Lusicous Brodkin) & Frank Wycheck (HAWAAW)

PK
21 Chris Boniol (CKLMTG)
**************
Week 12 total: 96 Deceptive total!

RB
126 Terry Allen (HAWAAW)
113 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin)
96 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)
90 Emmitt Smith (Store 24's)
90 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)
78 Jerome Bettis (Rampaging Gibbons)
66 Thurman Thomas (Globulants)
60 Barry Sanders (Rumbling Romanians)

WR
75 Tony Martin (Willie's Wankers)
65 Herman Moore (Digital Rectal)
51 Irving Fryar (Globulants)
51 Jerry Rice (Willie's Wankers)
51 Michael Jackson (Luscious Brodkin)
48 Tim Brown (Rampaging Gibbons)
42 Jake Reed (Ghost in a Helmet)

TE
66 Shannon Sharpe (Rampaging Gibbons)
47 Ben Coates (DG Postal Workers)

PK
98 John Carney (Digital Rectal)
84 John Kasay (Ghost in a Helmet)
82 Steve Christie (Globulants)

The most ballyhooed GM rivalry in RFL today. At last check, Gibbons GM Pat Callery leads HAWAAW GM Joe Pynadath 9-8 in the all time series. Callery also holds a distinct advantage in Steamrollers and Aglione Bowls won. Another stat sure to get HAWAAW's juices flowing is the Gibbons 7-5 record in head-to-head matchup with HAWAAW all season. Mmmmmmmmm head. The Gibbons must be careful not to get too caught up in the hype, they must retain composure to avoid the Steamroller choke that Callery's Head Hunters suffered in their 1994 late-season collapse. Both teams have been looking forward to this game with great anticipation since Day 1.

Joebob	Advantage	Cals
Steve Young		Troy Aikman
Terry Allen		Ricky Watters
Leshon Johnson		Jerome Bettis
Isaac Bruce		Tim Brown
Don Beebe		Fred Barnett
Frank Wycheck		Shannon Sharpe
Jeff Wilkins		Chris Jacke

I await Joe's cries of outrage at ranking Allen & Watters equal. A great matchup on paper, as HAWAAW has really come into their own during this stretch drive, winning 4 straight coming in. The Gibbons have been strong all year, dropping only one game in between 2 5-game win streaks. Since this is their only matchup this season (except maybe the playoffs...) it should hold bragging rights for the next several months to come. In the **** GAME * OF * THE* YEAR ****, Cals picks Rampaging Gibbons by 6.

1-Store 24 (8-4, 25.7) vs 12-Rabid Gnomes (3-9, 17.8)
The Gnomes are ever striving to reach that 20 points-per-game plateau, which will take some of the bitter sting of embarassment off this season. Another spoiler victory could score Lance some brownie points with the angry wife. Store 24 by 6

2-Willie's Wankers (7-5, 30.9) vs 14-Closet Cases (4-8, 21.3)
The Wankers, currently in 5th place, have things running smoothly for a late-season run at the big bucks. The Cases are about ready to jump back in the closet until RFl'97. Wankers by 11

4-Ghost in a Helmet (6-6, 26.3) vs 10-Digital Rectal (7-5, 25.5)
To be cliche, we've got two teams headed in opposite directions. So opposite that Ghost in the Rectal is giving Digital Helmet. Giving points that is. Helmet by 3

5-Pistol Whippers (7-5, 27.3) vs 9-Rumbling Romanians (3-9, 24.6)
The Romanians look to play the spoiler, as they miserably failed to do last week but did quite well the week before. I think Greg Hill is about done for the season. Whippers by 7

6-Luscious Brodkin (8-4, 37.8) vs 11-CKLMTG (5-7, 21.8)
Luscious is pursuing that Steamroller with reckless abandon, flattening everything in their path. And flatulating everything in their path. Too bad for CKLMTG, they couldn't have gotten a tougher opponent in their biggest game of the season. Luscious by 16

7-Globulants (4-8, 27.6) vs 13-Disgruntled Postal Workers (4-8, 24.4)
The winner of this game has to pray for help, namely from Digital Brodkin and Luscious Helmet. Globulants by 4

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All rights reserved.

Revised: October 27, 2000