The Rampaging Gibbons and Store 24 clinched playoff berths this week via their respective victories over Disgruntled Postal Workers and Digital Rectal. Additional losses by Globulants, CKLMTG, and Closet Cases helped mathematically seal these teams into the playoff picture. Four others, HAWAAW, Pistol Whippers, Luscious Brodkin, and Digital Rectal, rest on the doorstep, needing just one more win each to make it official. With playoff spots going like hotcakes, the bubble teams will have a rude awakening this week when they realize they cannot afford to lose another game. The guru outlines the playoff picture in this week's CALS' CORNER.

TRADE

Yet another trade was authorized by league offices this week, when Closet Cases GM Stan Wilson announced the transfer of contracts for high-scoring QB Mark Brunell and currently washed-up RFL ex-star RB Natrone Means to Luscious Brodkin. In exchange for the surprising high-flying field general, the Closet Cases received RB Jamal Anderson and QB Stan Humphries. Humphries reportedly stated his desire to become "a little less luscious, and step back in the closet" after missing two weeks of bench action with a strained fibular metatarsal.

ANNOUNCEMENT

The Luscious Brodkin front office made another head-spinning move this week, when GM David Brodkin made the following announcement at a standing-room only press conference today: "Luscious Brodkin announces the contractual agreement w/ the BAR to join Luscious Brodkin coaching staff as a special consultant in speed enhancement. Thank you." The much anticipated signing of THE BAR follows one of the fiercest bidding wars in RFL history. Part of the BAR's contract with Luscious Brodkin reportedly includes a converted 12 bedroom hostel for his own personal harem, and a lifetime pair of backstage passes to all future Tom Jones concerts.

MENTAL ILLNESS LINKED TO WIR DELAY

Many RFL GMs and fans were institutionalized early Wednesday morning, with symptoms characteristic of WIR Withdrawal Syndrome. A feverishly drooling David E. Brodkin stated, "Helloooooo???????? Where is it???????? I need my fix!!!! Must! Stop! Convulsing!!!" The editorial staff issues a formal apology for the delay in the WIR this week, and will take immediate action to re-evaluate the mental condition of all those hospitalized in the past 24 hours.

WEEK 11 IN REVIEW

**************************
**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
**************************
Store 24 28
Digital Rectal 18

Rectal's monday nite comeback effort falls short as WR Herman Moore continues his slump, having scored just 2 points in the last 4 weeks. Not coincidentally, DR was 6-1 the last time Moore crossed the goal line, prompting cries of potential drug abuse from Moore's family and friends. RFL Intelligence has made repeated attempts to pin a drug abuse charge on Digital Rectal GM Drew Wagner, long suspected of harvesting cash crops on his practice fields and converting his weight room into cocaine processing plants. Wagner could not be reached for comment, but investigators were told by UB medical officials that he could probably be located back in the hosptial's pharmaceuticals lab.

detmer 9 e.smith 0 kirby 6 conway 6 small 0 brady 0 vinatieri 7
bono 3 fenner 0 m.allen 0 galloway 6 h.moore 0 jackson 0 carney 9
pregame spread: rectal by 5
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Willie's Wankers 27
Globulants 21

The Wankers spell monday nite relief b-i-g-s-m-e-l-l-y-d-u-m-p. That and Tony Martin helped promote the dual satisfaction of intestinal depressurization and RFL victory. Martin chipped in 9 to cap a come from behind victory, coinciding nicely with the release of digestive gas that also came from behind.

hoss 3 davis 6 kaufman 0 rice 0 martin 9 popson 0 stoyanovich 9
elway 3 thomas 6 faulk 0 rison 0 fryar 6 green 0 christie 6
pregame spread: wankers by 4
----------------------------------------------------------------------
HAWAAW 35
Closet Cases 31

The Hooligans have whomped and whooped their way to 4 consecutive victories, strangely prompting GM Joe Pynadath to retract his previous guarantee that HAWAAW would run the table down the stretch. "Ummmm, ahhhh, I meant that we would win all our games if Steve Young scored 21 points each time out," said the spineless administrator, "but I don't have that kind of confidence to propel this team by myself." (Ed. note: Pynadath's words were paraphrased slightly by the editorial staff for clarity)

young 3 t.allen 15 l.johnson 0 bruce 6 beebe 6 wycheck 0 wilkins 5
testaverde 9 anderson 6 george 6 scott 0 davis 0 drayton 0 pelfrey 10
pregame spread: hawaaw by 8
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Rumbling Romanians 60
Ghost in a Helmet 39

What would have gone down in history as one of the most amazing monday nite comebacks ever was de-emphasized when league offices found out the Romanians had started RB Greg Hill with his 21 points, via a suspicious email post-dated 11/8. RFL Intelligence recently discovered a complex email date-altering subroutine was being developed by GM Veshia's employer. Nonetheless, what may have been a 24 point monday nite defecit was covered in remarkable fashion by Rumbling RB Barry Sanders (12), WR Bret Perriman (6), and TE Alfred Pupunu (6 and a coconut cocktail). The 21 points awarded to Greg Hill makes the lowly Romanians only the 4th team to reach the 60 point plateau this season.

chandler 9 hill 21 sanders 12 perriman 6 irvin 0 pupunu 6 johnson 6
bledsoe 9 warren 6 harris 3 mickens 0 j.reed 12 dudley 0 kasay 9
pregame spread: helmet by 5
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pistol Whippers 43
CKLMTG 32

Chaka Zulu was another team to benefit from this mysterious email, adding another 6 to their losing total from QB Bobby Hebert, a former Pistol Whipper himself. OJ McDuffie broke free from his civil suit long enough to bust for 9, leading a balanced attack. CKLMTG WR Derrick Alexander has scored in every start (5 games) this season.

favre 9 centers 6 rhett 9 mcduffie 9 stewart 6 dunn 0 andersen 4
hebert 6 byner 0 jabbar 12 k.johnson 0 alexander 6 chmura 0 boniol 8
pregame spread: whippers by 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Luscious Brodkin 56
Rabid Gnomes 26

Mark Brunell's escapades with the ladies are better received by his new management, and boy does it show! Brunell notched his 2nd highest output of the season with 19 points, and was integral in the team's acquisition of THE BAR to the coaching staff. THE BAR's new exercise regimen is said to consist of doing wind sprints down the middle of the field in the buff, decreasing aerodynamic form drag caused by bulky shoulder pads and helmets. The Luscious explosion unfortunately took publicity away from the Rabid Gnomes best game since Week 3. RB L Phillips has finally completed his drug rehab after being sent over from mad doctor Drew Wagner and Digital Rectal, he scored his first points since his days with the Gibbons early this season (Week 1).

brunell 19 martin 9 morris 12 pickens 3 jackson 6 walls 0 blanchard 7
collins 3 bennett 0 phillips 9 glenn 9 hill 0 carolan 0 elam 5
pregame spread: luscious by 14
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Rampaging Gibbons 38
Disgruntled Postal Workers 35

The Postal Workers were rejuvenated this week by the glorious return of their embattled GM Tim Purwin. Unfortunately, it was not enough to derail the Gibbons, riding high after their 4th straight win. The Postal Workers, losers of 5 straight after a 4-2 start, have reportedly staged a small uprising at the downtown Ann Arbor US Post Office. Hundreds are presumed dead, with thousands more hospitalized for minor burns and bite marks. DPW front office expects the incident to result in higher attendance at home games.

aikman 9 bettis 15 watters 0 brown 0 c.johnson 0 sharpe 6 jacke 8
banks 6 levens 3 stewart 12 miller 0 carter 3 coates 6 ford 5
pregame spread: gibbons by 10

unfulfilled dibs:
none noted

With just 3 games remaining in the RFL regular season, the once muddled playoff picture is starting to take form. GMs of bubble teams are starting to wonder if they'll land in the money, or even just the playoffs. I won't give you all the mathematical possibilities & assorted crap quite yet, but here's an early take on the playoff picture:
Clinched playoffs: Rampaging Gibbons, Store 24.
Probably in: Luscious Brodkin, HAWAAW, Pistol Whippers, Digital Rectal. I can't say for 100% sure for all those 7-4 teams, but realistically speaking, you're in. One more win will officially ice it for each team. Just don't choke.
Eliminated from playoffs: Rabid Gnomes. Rumbling Romanians are hanging by a thread, and considering that 60 pt explosion, GM Veshia should certainly not give up hope.
So that leaves 2 playoff spots for 6 bubble teams. Willie's Wankers and Ghost in a Helmet have the inside track, but it's basically a toss up when you throw in Globulants, CKLMTG, Closet Cases, and the Postal Workers.

For those concerned with the regular season prizes, let me first remind our law enforcement friends that RFL only uses mint condition monopoly money. The "payoffs" for regular season standings are:
Steamroller: $175
2nd: $125
3rd: $ 75
4th: $ 50
5th: $ 25
So not quite as lucrative as "passing go". Nobody has mathematically clinched a finish in the money yet, let alone the Steamroller. If the payoffs don't look good to you, before you have another tantrum episode, remember that this is what you saw proposed at the beginning of the season and declined to comment on. So that's what it is, crybaby. Playoff winnings, FYI, are:
Aglione Bowl VII Champions: $100
Runner up: $ 60
3rd place winner: $ 40
3rd place loser: $ 20
Consolation winner: $ 20
For you math heads, that leaves $10 short of the season pot. That $10 went to cover the phone bill from RFL Draft HQ to the weasly Drew Wagner and Stan Wilson. Let me also remind the following GMs that I am patiently awaiting payment of your entry fees:
Josh Veshia
Drew Wagner
Tim Purwin
Brian Pototo
Lance Harry

In case you forgot:
xxx Fremont Ave.
Los Altos, CA 94024

********************************************************

RFL ALL*STARS
*************
QB
19 Mark Brunell (Luscious Brodkin)

RB
21 Greg Hill (Rumbling Romanians)
15 Jerome Bettis (Rampaging Gibbons) & Terry Allen (HAWAAW)

WR
12 Jake Reed (Ghost in a Helmet)
9 TMartin (Willie's Wankers), TGlenn (Rabid Gnomes) & OJ McDuffie (Pistol Whippers)

TE
6 BCoates (Disgruntled PW), SSharpe (Rampaging Gibbons) & APupunu (Rumbling Romanians)

PK
10 Doug Pelfrey (Closet Cases)
**************
Week 11 total: 92 Pretty pathetic, Ty.

RB
126 Terry Allen (HAWAAW)
107 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin)
90 Emmitt Smith (Store 24's)
72 Jerome Bettis (Rampaging Gibbons)
72 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)
69 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)

WR
75 Tony Martin (Willie's Wankers)
59 Herman Moore (Digital Rectal)
51 Irving Fryar (Globulants)
48 Tim Brown (Rampaging Gibbons)
45 Jerry Rice (Willie's Wankers)
45 Michael Jackson (Luscious Brodkin)

TE
66 Shannon Sharpe (Rampaging Gibbons)
47 Ben Coates (DG Postal Workers)

PK
93 John Carney (Digital Rectal)
81 Adam Vinatieri (Store 24)
79 Chris Jacke (Rampaging Gibbons)

The Wankers are sort of a mystery team, they boast a fearsome starting lineup that lights up the scoreboard with great frequency, but have enough stink weeks in between to keep them out of the top of the league standings. Two wins in their last 3 will clinch a playoff spot, but just one more win will likely be enough. The Postal Workers meanwhile, have suffered 5 straight setbacks after a promising start to put their playoff hopes in severe jeopardy. Matchups:

John	Advantage	Tim
Jeff Hostetler		Tony Banks
Terrell Davis		James Stewart
Napoleon Kaufman		Dorsey Levens
Tony Martin		Cris Carter
Jerry Rice		Anthony Miller
Ted Popson		Ben Coates
Pete Stoyanovich		Cole Ford

The Wankers have a decided edge on paper, considering the recent slumps of DPW WRs Carter & Miller. But the big intangible in this contest is whether the Postal Workers will show that fighting spirit reminiscent of last season's overachieving Dirty Digs, or will they wrap it up and send their bags home after a hapless midseason slump. DPW has rebounded over the last 2 weeks, totalling 68 in their two losses, enough to beat the Wankers both weeks. A loss could all but eliminate DPW from the playoffs. Cals' line: Willie's Wankers by 3

1-Store 24 (8-3, 27.2) vs 11-CKLMTG (4-7, 21.4)
An overachieving Store 24 got it done last week without help from Emmitt! This week an overachieving Rumbling Giant will try to get it up without help from Lavina! Store 24 by 7

3-HAWAAW (7-4, 28.5) vs 9-Rumbling Romanians (3-8, 25.1)
With a name that sounds like something Sexy Texy would say, how can you possibly lose? For you outsiders, Sexy Texy never said anything about Romanians. HAWAAW by 8

4-Ghost in a Helmet (5-6, 26.5) vs 5-Pistol Whippers (7-4, 28.5)
The Pistol Whippers, a band of no-name misfits led by the incomprable Brett Favre, have been overachieving all season long. Ghost in a Helmet is teetering on the playoff bubble, and needs a win badly. In a minor upset, Ghost by 3

6-Luscious Brodkin (7-4, 38.3) vs 14-Closet Cases (4-7, 22.5)
Them Luscious have averaged over 47 ppg in the last 6 games. Closet Cases have averaged under 20 for the last 7 games. So, lets see.... Luscious Brodkin by 27

7-Globulants (4-7, 28.1) vs 12-Rabid Gnomes (2-9, 17.2)
The Gnomes zipped, darted, and razzle-dazzled their way to a remarkable 26 point performance last week. Such offensive power has struck fear into the hearts of RFL GMs worldwide, prompting Globulants and GM Ashesh Pansuria to forfeit this weeks game. Still, Globs by 10

8-Rampaging Gibbons (9-2, 36.2) vs 10-Digital Rectal (7-4, 26.5)
The Gibbons can smell Steamroller just up ahead. P-U!!! Somebody tell that kid to take a shower! Albert Aglione has left his infamous stench behind, attached to that precious Steamroller Trophy, as well as his big brown bag of phlegm. The Gibbons may relinquish the title to Store 24 so Smelly D can deodorize his feet with it.

©1999-2000 RFL Inc.
All rights reserved.

Revised: October 27, 2000