At the outset of the 1996 season, the balance of power in RFL seemed to be more evenly distributed than ever before. Such balance resulted in there being no clear powerhouse or shithouse teams after draft day. Teams like the lowly Ghost in a Helmet and Globulants were allowed to creep to the top of the preseason polls while talented ballclubs like Disgruntled Postal Workers and Closet Cases got stuck at the bottom because of the lack of a definite league power distribution.

Midway through our fine regular season, we now see evidence of that early parity growing ever more dissolute, with a number of teams taking nose-dives straight to the cellar, while others continue to string together win after win in an all-out race for Steamroller glory. This phenomenon can be directly attributed to Darwinian evolution theories, or as it is known to the layman, "Natural Selection". It is a fundamental law of nature that chaos will take seed in any natural system where there may initially appear to be order. Take RFL '96, for instance, where after 3 weeks there were exactly zero teams without a win, and only one undefeated team left on the board. In the 4 weeks since, that undefeated has since gone on to become a middle-of-the-road mediocrity, and there now exists a 5-game span between first & last place. The cellar dwellers are gathering themselves for a season of collective futility, while the league's "ubermen" are starting to take form as consistent powerhouses. Just a guru's perspective here. Look for more details in this week's CALS' CORNER.

WEEK 7 IN REVIEW

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**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
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Luscious Brodkin 60
Disgruntled Postal Workers 19

Luscious 60! Brods' team has captured the hearts and minds of eligible females everywhere (adults and minors alike) with yet another stunning display of offensive proficiency. QB Scott Mitchell and RB Curtis Martin are establishing themselves as RFL role models with week-in-week-out consistency. The league waits in cheerful anticipation for the league's #1 IHS preventor to sprout a head of his own.

mitchell 15 martin 18 anderson 0 mathis 12 jackson 0 walls 12 hanson 3
everett 6 levens 0 stewart 0 carter 0 timpson 0 caotes 0 ford 13
pregame spread: luscious by 9
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Store 24 40
Rampaging Gibbons 21

The Gibbons swallow a major dose of reality as they are whipped into submission by an upstart young Store 24 bunch. GM Callery blames the loss on a side-bet between himself and Store 24 GM Snehal Gump. "My players didn't want to see me slide back into that gambling addiction" said Cals, "this was their idea of a wakeup call. And boy did I need it! Thanks guys, now let's get back to kicking some serious RFL rear end." Meanwhile, Store 24 is beginning to establish themselves as a serious RFL contender, a role GM Desai has not seen the likes of since his days as Albert Aglione's errand boy in RFl'90. Oh, and don't forget that this goes in the records as a Gibbons SCRUB loss. Which makes me undefeated scrub. You can't supress a good case of IHS.

moon 0 e.smith 15 kirby 0 conway 15 small 0 brady 0 vinatieri 10
aikman 0 watters 3 bettis 3 brown 0 early 0 bjornson 0 jacke 15
pregame spread: gibbons by 14
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Willie's Wankers 21
Rumbling Romanians 11

Monday nite comeback! The hard-luck Wankers finally get a break as all-world humanitarian Jerry Rice comes up big with 12 monday pts, ending the Wankers' 2 game skid, despite the zero-point performance of former Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev at kicker. The return of Michael Irvin inspired the Romanians to play to their same shitty level, and kept WR James Jett's surprise 15 on the bench.

blake 3 pegram 0 kaufman 6 rice 12 b.brooks 0 popson 0 xxxxx 0
chandler 3 sanders 0 hearst 0 perriman 0 irvin 0 harris 0 johnson 8
pregame spread: wankers by 10
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Digital Rectal 29
HAWAAW 25

What would have been the biggest monday nite comeback of the year was stopped just short by a strong Digital Rectal goal line stand. Going in down 29-11, HAWAAW picked up 8 from K Wilkins and 6 from ELVIS to bring it within stiking distance, but failed to convert down the stretch. "We just wanted to cover the spread, I had some major dollar riding on this one," said GM Joe Pynadath, "That microphone isn't on, is it?" Rectal has quietly moved into sole possession of first place, most thanks go out to the Gibbons for making the trade that saved Drew's franchise. That team's success is highly contagious, y'alls know y'all wanta git some of that!

kelly 0 phillips 0 fenner 0 h.moore 15 a.reed 3 jackson 0 delgreco 11
grbac 6 t.allen 0 r.smith 9 bruce 0 mccardell 2 wycheck 0 wilkins 8
pregame spread: rectal by 6
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CKLMTG 41
Ghost in a Helmet 12

The great rejuvenator in pro sports, the name/uniform change, has struck again in the form of the Chaka Kahn Lovin' Mighty Transvestite Gobblins or something like that. Just remember it stands for CKLMTG and they're out for blood! The ex-FUBARs strike gold with the sudden last-minute acquisition of WR Henry Ellard, who chipped in 12, as did fellow first-time-in-96 starter WR Derrick Alexnader. Watch out for these new-look bad boys of rock and roll.

harbaugh 3 hampton 0 aska 0 j.reed 0 harrison 0 jennings 0 kasay 9
tomczak 3 byner 3 jabbar 6 ellard 12 alexander 12 chmura 0 boniol 5
pregame spread: giah by 3
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Pistol Whippers 20
Rabid Gnomes 2

Big monday nite from QB Brett Favre puts this one out of the Rabid Gnomes' feeble grasp. A late 2 pointer by RB Edgar Bennett saves the Gnomes from the first 0 point performance since Snehal Desai's legendary Double Goose Eggs of 1992. Nonetheless, the Gnomes are establishing a new standard of futility, scoring in single digits for the 4th time in 7 games. Meanwhile, the Pistol Whippers rebound from 3 straight losses to get back in the thick of the playoff race. Huggable "Elmo" from Sesame street started at kicker for the Gnomes.

favre 13 centers 0 salaam 0 mcduffie 0 stewart 6 dilger 0 andersen 1
erickson 0 bennett 2 h.green 0 hill 0 dawkins 0 carolan 0 xxxxx 0
pregame spread: whippers by 2
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Closet Cases 17
Globulants 13

Yet another scrub win for the Closet Cases, who squeak by despite 0 points from Globulants celebrity fill-in two-headed QB Dick Clark/Ed McMahon. My god how can you people allow these holes in your starting lineups??? Where's the love?????!!!!!

brunell 7 george 3 brooks 0 brooks 0 davis 0 drayton 0 sisson 7
xxxxx 0 thomas 6 faulk 6 r.ismail 0 fryar 0 green 0 christie 1
pregame spread: globs by 1

unfulfilled dibs:
none

Due to time constraints, the much awaited Guru's mid-season team-by- team assessment has been postponed until WIR8. But thanks to those GMs who so dutifully sent the WIR editorial staff copies of the Guru's preseason predictions. Stay tuned for the update in next week's Cals' Corner!

In lieu of that cutting edge commentary you've grown to love, I offer two separate open letters from concerned GMs on different topics.
Enjoy!

*****
Fine citizens of the RFL community,
I would like to address a serious condition which has plagued many people including general managers in our very own RFL society. This epidemic has been known to cause the demise of respected members of many communities. Here in the medical world, it's a diagnosis that's referred to as encephalomegaly. In RFL terminology, it's a disease simply known as IHS or "Inflated Head Sydrome". So who has this dreaded illness afflicted now? Take a guess if you will. What's that you say? No, no, no, not Dave Wang, try again. Hmmm, Snehal Desai??? Of course not, he's won RFL Man of the Year 6 years running. Much to the shock of adults & children alike, our beloved self-proclaimed- guru/WIR editor has grown a SEVERELY LARGE HEAD. After a sub- mediocre year by Callery, we've forgotten how susceptible he is to this illness. Now, after a mere 5 wins, he can hardly speak a thought w/out veering into a delirious outburst regarding the righteousness of his squad. The "Week in Review" these days would be more aptly dubbed, The "Week in Senseless Babbling about the Rampaging Gibbons". Where's the Week in Review?? IHS is a deadly disease which can not be overlooked. Look what's it done to the evil Joe Pyndadath... it's prevented him from ever appearing in an Aglione Bowl final. IHS threatens not only Callery, but the existence of RFL as we know it. Let's help our commissioner get well because we all know what happens when heads grow too large..... they burst. God save Callery. Viva RFL!

D. Brodkin

*****
Gentlemen,

After what was the first shutout of any team I have ever witnessed in my somewhat brief RFL career, I can categorically say: its over boys, wait till next year.

With such thoughts in mind I would like to present some food for thought over the course of the rest of this season, for off-season discussion, namely the scoring system.

It appears to me that the current scoring system puts far too much weight on the "outstanding" game or performance while not rewarding the "good" or "above average" game. While some of you might say, "yea, so thats the way it should be!", I offer this: there are not enough quality players in the league to support such performances, for 14 teams (x 7 starters each = 98 players). This averages to ~3-4 players PER TEAM in the NFL that must put up astounding numbers, each week, to do ANYTHING of RFL value. (witness my pathetic performance this week) That just doesnt happen on a week to week basis.

Now I know most of you will say, "screw you Lance, your just bitter cause your team sucks and YOU drafted them!!" Touche'. BUT even if I would have drafted with half a brain, the outcome of losing horrifically week in and week out awaits, I feel, 1/3 to + of the teams in our lovable RFL community. THIS LEAGUE WILL ALWAYS SHOW TREMENDOUS PARITY BETWEEN THE TOP LEVEL TEAMS, AND THE BOTTOM FEEDERS, UNDER THE CURRENT SCORING SYSTEM!! THERES JUST NO WAY AROUND IT, WITH 14 TEAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT LOSES ITS FUN VALUE RATHER QUICKLY (Reference my laziness in not exchanging Collins for Erickson this weekend, an obvious move any bonehead would make, alas I was just too lazy to walk to the computer to log in and make the change!) (*** Editor's note: I hope that doesn't mean you're too lazy to cough up the entry fee Lance!)

Now I know this is a lot to absorb, so Ill open the air waves to discussion. I have several ideas on how to make the scoring system more competetive, but Ill leave that for later, if anyone feels it is worthy of specific discussion

L. Harry

*****
The Guru speaks! I'll add my 2 cents to the above proposal and leave the airwaves open throughout the season for subsequent discussions & debates. I love a good RFL courtroom drama! The current RFL scoring scheme has evolved over the years, but has not changed (save for the 2-pointers) in the last 3-4 seasons. Now I love change as much as the next guy, but the scoring system has not ever been questioned until today. Perhaps Lance is providing us all with a much needed wakeup call to break up the status quo. With the recent expansion of RFL to a record-high 14 teams, it goes without saying that the league point production will drop off due to a fixed talent pool being divided by more teams. So, although the scoring system is set in stone for this season, a serious re-evaluation is due for RFL'97. I have my own ideas, and I see Lance has his, so let's hear everyone's! No need to flood the email waves with this stuff immediately, since we're talking about a change that will be invoked about 10 months from now. But keep it in mind, and don't let Lance's internal squabbling and losing effect your enthusiasm for RFL action!!!
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RFL ALL*STARS
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QB
15 Scott Mitchell (Luscious Brods)

RB
18 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brods)
15 Emmitt Smith (Store 24)

WR
15 Herman Moore (digital rectal)
15 Curtis Conway (Store 24)

TE
12 Wesley Walls (Luscious Brods)

PK
15 Chris Jacke (Rampaging Gibbons)
**************
Week 7 total: 105 aaawwwwwww my arm!!!!!

RB
60 Terry Allen (HAWAAW)
53 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin)
48 Emmitt Smith (Store 24's)
45 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)
39 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)
33 Jerome Bettis (Rampaging Gibbons)

WR
57 Herman Moore (Digital Rectal)
45 Tony Martin (Willie's Wankers)
39 Tim Brown (Rampaging Gibbons)
39 Jerry Rice (Willie's Wankers)
35 Terence Mathis (Luscious Brodkin)
30 Robert Brooks (Closet Cases)
30 Curtis Conway (Store 24)

TE
36 Shannon Sharpe (Rampaging Gibbons)
26 Ben Coates (DG Postal Workers)
24 Ken Dilger (Pistol Whippers)

PK
61 John Carney (Digital Rectal)
60 Chris Jacke (Rampaging Gibbons)
51 Adam Vinatieri (Store 24)

Yeah yeah yeah, Digital Rectal is 6-1. But they have 2 scrub wins and haven't played a decent opponent in 5 weeks (read: last 4 opponents are 9-19 total). I'm not convinced! Willie's Wankers meanwhile, has 2 scrub losses and has perhaps the #1 WR duo in the league of Jerry Rice and Tony Martin, who are both in action this week. Despite the differential in record, we're seeing two of the league's better teams here, and the winner will be putting a good chunk of momentum under their belts. Let's look at the matchups!

John	Advantage	Drew
Jeff Blake		Jim Kelly
Terrell Davis		Marcus Allen
Napoleon Kaufman		Lawrence Phillips
Jerry Rice		Herman Moore
Tony Martin		Andre Reed
Ted Popson		Keith Jackson
Pete Stoyanovich		John Carney

A solid Digital Rectal lineup, led by WR Herman Moore, is a prototypical example of an RFL playoff contender. But certainly not a Steamroller Trophy winner. You can quote me on that for future use, Drew. The Wankers also have that playoff-caliber feel to their lineup. I think you'll see both these teams make some waves by the end of the season; however, this game is enormously critical for the Wankers, as they cannot afford to play catchup ball the rest of the season.
Cals' line: Wankers by 5

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Revised: September 30, 2000