The first item of tension during RFL'96 came to the surface this week as the Terry Glenn contraversy went full scale. 11 of the league's 14 GMs were openly vocal in expressing their opinions regarding the mess, and the ensuing verbage outshined what was otherwise a thrilling week of good old RFL action. The Commissioner's take on the whole ordeal follows in Cals' Corner.

Meanwhile, RFL media honchos and other peons of the press ransacked the Brockton, Mass home of the unintentional centerpoint of this brouhaha, Terry Glenn. "I had no idea I was going to cause this much trouble," Glenn said in a prepared statement to the media frenzy clawing at his living room windows, "I have undoubtedly caused severe emotional distress in the RFL community, and I can't continue this charade any longer. You monsters have taken the joy out of my game!" Glenn then proceeded to draw a pistol from a desk drawer and placed the barrel in his mouth. But just as the trigger was pulled, Glenn's new GM and father-figure to all troubled athletes, David E. Brodkin, came crashing through the window and wedged his knee far enough into Glenn's mouth to impede the bullet's intended path to the center of his nerve-control center, referred to in layman's terms as the brain.

"I have bad knees anyway, I don't really need both of them," Brodkin said of the bloody mess that once connected the leg-bone to the thigh-bone. "I just sank a cool 3 million in that kid, I can buy about 10 prosthetic legs for the price of one Terry Glenn, and still have enough money left over for performance enhancing anabolic steroi... ummmm, I mean hummus."

WEEK 3 IN REVIEW

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**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
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Luscious Brodkin 34
HAWAAW 21

HAWAAW is handed a stunning 2nd defeat in a row, as the mighty Brods stakes his first win of the year. RB Curtis Martin did all the damage scoring a 1996 league high 23 points, fending off another sturdy 12 pt performance from HAWAAW RB Terry Allen. The Hooligans have gotten GM Joe Pynadath off to his worst start in recent memory, which has prompted not only massive roster overhauls but investigations of drug abuse in the locker room. We all know how the mighty can fall after a bout with illegal narcotics, as Pynadath's teams have a sketchy history in this department. Meanwhile, suicidal Terry Glenn turned in an impressive 0 point performance.

mitchell 0 martin 23 means 0 glenn 0 jackson 6 smith 0 hanson 5
frerotte 3 t.allen 12 russell 0 mccardl 0 f.sanders 0 byars 0 nedney 6
pregame spread: HAWAAW by 1
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Ghost in a Helmet 17 (6)
Store 24's 17 (4)

For the second week in a row, a game comes down to bench points. And also for the 2nd week in a row, a critical preliminary scoring error comes into play; this game was reported as a 17-11 Store 24 win just yesterday, due to the idiotic oversight of WR jake reed's 6 points. GIAH has won 2 straight after a slow week 1.

bledsoe 10 warren 0 hampton 0 j.reed 6 harrison 0 dudley 0 stover 1
moon 3 e.smith 9 mcelroy 0 conway 0 small 0 brady 0 vinatieri 5
pregame spread: GIAH by 1
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Pistol Whippers 27
Willie's Wankers 26

Wankers RB erric Pegram comes up 4 yards short of victory on monday nite, as the Whippers inexplicably pull their 3rd victory out of a magic hat. How can this team be the only undefeated left?? GM Wang is doing it with mirrors, or rather with Brett Favre. Ken Dilger has been the only other bright spot on this 3-0 phenom club.

Favre 9 craver 0 centers 0 mcduffie 0 jeffires 0 dilger 6 pelfrey 12
blake 3 davis 12 pegram 0 thigpen 0 martin 6 xxx 0 stoyanovich 5
pregame spread: whippers by 6
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FUBAR 30
Globulants 9

After impressive week 1 showing, globulants have dropped 2 straight with mediocre efforts. Meanwhile, FUBAR Scored more in week 3 than they had in Weeks 1 & 2 combined, thanks mostly to the first career start for RB karim abdul-jabbar. WR keyshawn johnson also added 6 for FUBAR in his first career start. All of a sudden this team looks pretty damn good on paper.

kramer 3 williams 0 jabbar 15 pickens 0 johnson 6 chmura 0 boniol 6
elway 3 hoard 0 thomas 0 rison 0 fryar 0 green 0 christie 6
pregame spread: globs by 6
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Rumbling Romanians 33
Disgruntled Postal Wrk 17

The Rotten Romanians finally get career win #1 for GM josh Veshia, behind a balanced attack including 12 from RB barry sanders and 9 from QB dan marino. the postal workers' RB stable faltered after last week's hasty publicity shoot, providing no pudding to the cause in their first loss of the season.

marino 9 b.sanders 12 hill 0 perriman 0 d.sanders 6 bjorn 0 johnson 6
everett 0 stewart 0 levens 0 carter 0 miller 6 coates 6 ford 5
pregame spread: DPW by 8
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Rampaging Gibbons 48
Rabid Gnomes 33

The Gnomes put forth a valiant effort with points from the likes of trent dilfer, stanley pritchett, and the legend chris t jones. who??? What can I say, Lance, but sorry that you had to match wits with such a high-caliber explosive offensive juggernaut. There is just no stopping the Gibbons on their inevitable apocalyptical quest for RFL glory. RB combo of watters & bettis combined for 33 of a whopping 48 total points. What can you say about a team that averages better than 10 points per game higher than the league's #2 scoring team. Don't feed the Gibbons!!!!

aikman 3 watters 15 bettis 18 brown 6 early 0 bruener 0 jacke 6
dilfer 3 bennett 6 pritchett 6 galloway 0 jones 9 harris 0 elam 9
pregame spread: gibbons by 8
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Digital Rectal 22
Closet Cases 17

Yes, I botched the score again. Sorry guys but I forgot to add Keith Jackson's 6 to the Rectal probers' score, which gives drew an anti- climactic victory after many had thought his 2-pronged monday night comeback of kelly & reed came up pathetically short. Either way, a scrub win to the scrubby winner of this grubby game.

kelly 0 d.moore 0 allen 12 h.moore 0 a.reed 0 jackson 6 carney 4
brunell 0 george 0 parmalee 0 brooks 3 scott 6 mitchell 0 sisson 8
pregame spread: rectal by 1
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*** Note: In a previous WIR or other update, it was stated that K. Stewart was a QB. Upon further review, Stewart lines up primarily as a WR, a very small percentage of his offensive plays are from the QB position. Therefore, he will be called a WR and can start only at WR

Whoa nellie, the dibs rule is getting some prime-time coverage this week. After the Terry Glenn fiasco, the "multiple dibs" rule was called in to sort out this week's pickups. Three players (Reggie Brooks, Frank Wycheck, & Michael Haynes) were tabbed by multiple teams; the four teams that bid on Brooks were the most since last year's Barry Foster scramble. To refamiliarize you with the rule, a team can only exercise their dibs to one player at a time. For example, a team in the cellar puts dibs in for 2 players. They must choose their first pickup, then each team in the league gets to cash in their dibs before the cellar team can take dibbsed player #2. It's kind of like a draft situation. So this week, this rule was enforced for maybe the first time ever when HAWAAW selected TE Frank Wycheck, who was also dibbsed by the Gibbons. Therefore, HAWAAW relinquished their rights to RB Reggie Brooks, whose dibbs were passed on to the Closet Cases. Then Luscious Brods, having lost his Brooks dibbs, exercised rights to Michael Haynes. Thus, GIAH was unable to exercise dibs on either Brooks or Haynes. Phew! Comprende?

Thanks to all for the high voter turnout at last week's rules debate. 10 out of 14 GMs voted, 8 of those 10 choosing to keep the dibs rule as is. There you have it. Other rules: 9 GMs voted on the lateral rule. 5 voted for the QB to get the 3 points, 3 voted for the guy making the lateral, and 1 silly brods voted for each to get 2 points. So I guess that vote results in a QB getting credit for the TD pass even if there was a lateral in between. I'm not impressed, fellas. But hey, that's what democracy is all about.

Since we're talking about rules, I better make sure everyone is keyed in on what the Bam Morris rule is for this year. As of Week 1 this season, a player who gets 100 yds rushing & negative yds receiving or other similar combo that results in less than 100 yds, THE GUY GETS SQUAT! Of course, if anyone has major ethical or sociological objections to this rule, let me know and we can put that to vote. But I just want to make sure that's common knowledge so we don't have that damn BMC again. Hell, that was one in a million though. So, remember it's COMBINED YARDS that give you points. Minus is minus.

TYPO: last week I reported last year's Aglione Bowl game as Immigrant Farmworkers vs. Pasty White Thighs. MY bAD!!! PWT was Stan Wilson's 1994 squad; plus I forgot to include the score. Aglione Bowl VI final was Immigrant Farmworkers 41, Austin Toughskins 32.
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RFL ALL*STARS
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QB
10 Drew Bledsoe (GIAH)

RB
23 Curtis Martin (Luscious)
18 Jerome Bettis (Gibbons)

WR
9 Chris T. Jones (Gnomes)
6 About 8 other scrubs

TE
6 Ken Dilger (Whippers) & Ben Coates (postal workers)

PK
12 Doug Pelfrey (whippers)
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Week 3 total: 84 season low!

RB
36 Terry Allen (HAWAAW)
27 Barry Sanders (Rumbling Romanians)
26 Curtis Martin (Luscious Brodkin)
21 Terrell Davis (Willie's Wankers)
21 Ricky Watters (Rampaging Gibbons)

WR
18 Robert Brooks (Closet Cases)
18 Tim Brown (Rampaging Gibbons)
18 Tony Martin (Willie's Wankers)
18 Anthony Miller (DG Postal Workers)
18 Herman Moore (Digital Rectal)

TE
18 Ken Dilger (Pistol Whippers)
12 Ben Coates (DG Postal Workers)

PK
30 John Carney (Digital Rectal)
29 Chris Jacke (Rampaging Gibbons)
28 Jason Elam (Rabid Gnomes)

Despite the fact that RGA has more than doubled GIAH's output this season, this matchup holds a great deal of interest. Pre-season favorite GIAH has not lived up to their lofty expectations, as top draft picks have performed poorly and dibbsed WR's are lost because of scrub wins padding their record. Meanwhile, RGA has taken the league by storm and now stands as the team to beat after 3 weeks.

This week's byes will have little effect on GIAH, but RGA will have to go without 2 starters, including the venerable Jerome Bettis. Despite the difference in performance thus far, this game is a great matchup on paper, if GIAH's RBs ever produce up to their pre-draft expectations. RGA & GM P. Callery will need a return to prominence of criminal RB L Phillips in order to beat his future bro-in-law, Kevin Archibald.

Kevin	Advantage	Cals
Drew Bledsoe		Troy Aikman
Chris Warren		Ricky Watters
Rodney Hampton		Lawrence Phillips
Jake Reed		Tim Brown
Marvin Harrison		Quinn Early
Rickey Dudley		??????
John Kasay		Chris Jacke

Cals' pick: RGA by 3.

***** My bad: those of you who so kindly and dutifully emailed me a depth chart last week, I accidentally threw them out before I could update my rosters. If all GMs could mail me an updated depth chart, it would remove the confusion that has surrounded starting lineups recently. ALso, I can then attempt to mail out a roster to the league this week. Thanks! COMMISH CALS

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All rights reserved.

Revised: September 27, 2000