Resistance Futile Locutous Week 15 December 17, 2002 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** KLINGONS, ROMULANS, FERENGI AND VULCANS... OH, MY! Clark vs. Richard... Brodz vs. Zach... what were the odds of this final foursome?!? None of these 4 were in Foge's top 4 in his preseason poll. In fact... Foge didn't have any of these 4 in his top 10!!! Foge had Richard at 11, Clark at 12, Zach at 13 and Brodz at 14. Clark's poll actually had Brodz (1) and Zach (4) among his top 4. Clark pegged himself at #7, and he had Richard at #15. Cals had Zach at 6, Brodz at 7, Clark at 12 and Richard dead last. Perhaps Clark's ranking system only needs minor refinement. Cals' isn't too bad. Foge needs to go back to the etch-a-sketch. BENCH TEAM! These guys' asses rode the pine on Week 15: 13 M Brunell (The Kavir Dwellers) 16 J Mungro (Everyone Go Deep) 16 R Dayne (Repulsive Punk Asses) 11 T Taylor (Chinks in the Armor) 10 Kev Johnson (LRDM), D Thompson (LRDM) and J Porter (GFB) 4 B Miller (Raider Hater) 13 M Bryant (Everyone Go Deep) 83 points... 16-0... 236-3-1 through 15 weeks MAKE IT SO, #1 Highest scoring team: AC Milan - 61.9 ppg Lowest scoring team: Junior Mints - 43.5 ppg Toughest defense: Repulsive Punk Asses - 41.7 ppg Softest defense: Raider Hater - 56.7 ppg League scoring average: 48.3 ppg (last year 37.3) Getting to the bloody point... on to WIR #15! --------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Generations Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Repulsive Punk Asses 9 6 0 4.5 687 626 W1 Golden Years 7 7 1 6 683 690 L1 Ghetto Fab Bindys 7 8 0 6.5 771 754 W1 Chinks in the Armor 6 8 1 7 756 734 L1 First Contact Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK AC Milan 13 1 1 - 929 635 W5 Furious Gefilte Fish 10 5 0 3.5 709 717 W2 The Kavir Dwellers 7 8 0 6.5 731 786 L1 Spitz34 3 12 0 10.5 669 804 L6 Insurrection Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Las Ranas De Mayan 7 8 0 6.5 791 793 L3 TheFreakinBlackHawks 7 8 0 6.5 663 719 L1 Samurai Sumos 6 9 0 7.5 721 687 W1 Raider Hater 5 9 1 8 663 850 W1 Nemesis Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Fat Bastards 9 6 0 4.5 751 687 W4 Cleveland Steamers 8 7 0 5.5 695 712 L2 Everyone Go Deep 8 7 0 5.5 722 722 W1 Junior Mints 6 9 0 7.5 653 678 L1 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 15 IN REVIEW ***************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** #6-Golden Years 23 #3-Fat Bastards 26 pregame spread: GY by 2 PEE-YOU! Who picked *this* stinker of a game as GOTW?!? 4 pts from 5 not-horrible WRs?!? 0 TDs scored. 1 TD pass from the 2 QBs. 8 total pts from 3 not-terrible RBs... it's like a buccaneers-ravens game broke out (maybe from 2 years ago when their Ds were even better - and the Os were absolutely woeful). Despite the not-so-unexpected partial shutdown of Marshall (once it was confirmed that the Lambs were officially eliminated from playoff consideration), Cals still managed to D-up his way to a 2-pt lead heading into Monday Night Madness. But with Zach holding all the tiebreakers... Fat Bastards only needed 34 rushing yds from Broke-down Eddie for the come-from-behind dubya. The Golden Years D huffed and they puffed, but they couldn't stop Eddie from toting the ball 100 times for his 101 yds. Rookie GM Zach moves on to the semis to face Brodz. bj 5 emmitt 1 j'vicius 0 tibrown 1 ibruce 1 jolley 3 jreed 12 favre 7 egeorge 5 garner 2 rice 1 keenan 1 shockey 1 j-kow 9 -------------------------------------------- #7-Las Ranas De Mayan 57 #2-Furious Gefilte Fish 73 pregame spread: LRDM by 4 Las Ranas De Mayan QB Culpepper did his best D McNabb impression (McNabb has been out 4 weeks, and he's *still* #3 overall in QB pts!), but the failures of his teammates were exposed by the balanced quality of the Furious Gefilte Fish lineup. TO - as expected - was dropped a notch under the glare of his big game against the Fudge Packers. But Brodz feared not - as Marcel and Torry picked up TO's slack. Shipp kept Brodz within a trey of Daunte, Holt single-handedly routed Stan's WRs, and even Koren subbed in for T Fisher for a solid 8. Stan was done in by C Dillon and T Streets. Dillon essentially hit his last peak in Week 12 - scoring fewer pts every week since. Streets was outscored by 3 WRs on Stan's bench - Kev Johnson, Derrius Thompson and A Freeman. Who would have figured that starting KJ and Derrius over Dillon and Streets would have meant a semifinal win for Stan?!? c-pep 30 dillon 3 wdunn 7 driver 8 streets 0 tonyg 3 feely 6 greasy 8 shipp 27 koren 8 to 10 holt 14 heap 2 v-jagt 4 -------------------------------------------- #1-AC Milan 52 #8-The Kavir Dwellers 41 pregame spread: ACM by 9 Ali and The Kavir Dwellers trailed Clark's AC Milan (as opposed to Silvio Berlusconi's AC Milan - a "football" club of a different kind - which just celebrated their 103rd birthday yesterday) by 30 going into MNF action. But Ali had 3 Dwellers to play - while Clark had none. With 2 Air McNair TD runs in the 2nd quarter, The Kavir Dwellers were actually on pace to send AC Milan packing. All Ali needed was 2 more TDs - or perhaps a McNair to Wycheck connection. But in the end... Clark's D held. Antowain could not hit paydirt, Wycheck was shutout, and McNair was content to let Eddie take all the 2nd half punishment. For only the 4th time all season, AC Milan was led in scoring by someone other than Priest - and that includes Priest's bye week. Tiki did the deed 3 times; Peerless did it the other. But everyone's eyes will be on KC this week - to see if Priest can heal himself in time for next week's semifinal game. trent 12 priest 10 tiki 13 horn 5 price 1 mcmike 0 mgram 11 mcnair 16 ricky 7 atwain 3 thrash 0 amani 5 wycheck 0 akers 10 -------------------------------------------- #4-Cleveland Steamers 39 #5-Repulsive Punk Asses 68 pregame spread: CS by 1 Stacey Mack outscored Edgerrin and Garrison combined. Game over. Throw in 35 for C "I did *not* have sexual relations with that nasty, fat broad" Portis, and Vesh was burnt toast. Cleveland Steamers were trailing by 31 as John Madden supped on delicious Nashville bbq Monday evening. Even if TBrady could manage a Culpepper, Vesh would still be 1 pt short. Well... 8 was not enough for the punchless Brady - and Repulsive Punk Ass PK Nedney even managed to cancel out 6 of Brady's pts. Vesh's rebuilt-through-rummaging-around WR duo of Chad and Quincy performed admirably, but the ill-conceived RB pairing (combined for more than 15 only once in 5 starts together) was the death of Vesh. Richard advances to meet Clark in the semis - still with multiple holes in the lineup. brady 8 ejames 3 hearst 3 chad 5 quincy 11 sharpe 1 l-well 8 abrooks 13 portis 35 smack 7 hines 2 muhsin 3 pollard 2 nedney 6 -------------------------------------------- #9-Everyone Go Deep 56 #16-Spitz34 51 pregame spread: EGD by 5 Gary got his highest pt total since Week 3 - and he needed it to squeak by a game SPITZ34 club. Marvin and Jerome went extra deep for EGD this week. Gary has averaged a quite competent 9 ppg from his PKs over the last 3 weeks, but still is in last place among all teams in PK pts - trailing Brodz 81-79. Brad was finally able to get Plaxico back up and running (Plax's best game since Week 8), but was left a bit short by Rod and Chad and Fred. Fred is surprisingly still healthy! bledsoe 2 bus 16 trbrown 4 harrison 22 coles 4 becht 0 hanson 8 pen'ton 7 fredt 8 plax 13 jimmy 11 rod 4 ricks 0 hollis 8 -------------------------------------------- #10-TheFreakinBlackHawks 53 #15-Raider Hater 65 pregame spread: TFBH by 3 JoePa needed 13 pts from D Graham on Monday Night for the win. He got 8... yards. JoePa's development of T Henry has been a major success story for TheFreakinBlackHawks this season, but how can a team have only 5 TE pts in 15 weeks?!? ...while having an "active" starter each week?!? Raider Hater waited until the start of Scrub Bowl playoffs to post their highest pt total of the season. Rookie GM Drew seems a bit unclear on the concept. Drew's loyalty to Algae has been rewarded - as the ATL TE has moved up to 3rd in TE pts. garcia 9 thenry 20 sdavis 1 gardner 9 pinky 2 graham 0 wilkins 12 peyton 12 mbennett 5 duce 17 chambers 8 donte 2 alge 10 omare 11 -------------------------------------------- #11-Chinks in the Armor 49 #14-Samurai Sumos 64 pregame spread: CitA by 8 Samurai Sumos upset Chinks in the Armor thanks to R Moss' biggest game of the season. Could anyone have imagined 15 weeks of action - and only 1 appearance by Moss among the weekly All-Stars? Mike's Pittman also took note of some recent criticism - reaching double-digits for the 1st time this season. Wang got solid efforts from his starting backfield, but was left holding the bag by his other 4 starters. Wang is next-to-last in TE pts - leading JoePa by a 19-5 margin. Both JoePa and Wang *had* THeap on their rosters this season. vick 12 ahman 11 wgreen 11 moulds 3 key 5 freddie 0 elam 7 kitna 11 lt 12 pittman 10 rmoss 19 qadry 0 brady 1 cahney 11 -------------------------------------------- #12-Ghetto Fab Bindys 41 #13-Junior Mints 37 pregame spread: GFB by 6 In the other MNM come-from-behind victory, Ghetto Fab Bindys overcame a 2-pt deficit thanks to the efforts of Mason and Vinatieri. Shiv benched his top-scoring WR of the week yet again. This time it was J Porter. Shaun Alexander broke off a Falcon-killing OT TD scamper to lead the way for Shiv. After getting up for knocking Richard down a few notches last week, Junior Mints was clearly uninspired in the opening week of the un-playoffs. Joebob's 37 pts was his lowest in 6 weeks. Kerry returned to his scrubby form, and Shiv has regained his title of President of IFEJ. gannon 9 shalex'er 19 jlewis 2 mason 5 booker 3 chad 2 v'teri 1 kerry 3 martian 8 deuce 11 glenn 2 djax 5 booba 2 chandler 6 -------------------------------------------- Transactions Team ---- ADD ---- DROP look 'em up for yourself on yahoo! ******************************************************** WANG'S WEEKLY WRINKLE ====== ====== ======= For those of you who don't frequent the RFL message board on yahoo!... Baby Brodz Speaks To upstanding citizens of the RFL community: Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Isaac Brodkin, co-GM of the Furious Gefilte Fish - along with my father David Brodkin. While my father has been less confrontational in his old age, I would like to take this opportunity to blast Commissioner Wang for the injustice that he has done to the glorious Gefilte Fish. Every Tuesday, I sit down in the Furious Gefilte Fish Headquarters to read the RFL WIR and am once again disappointed to see another list of "How they really should be" rankings - which always puts our squad at the bottom of the pile. [WIR Editorial Staff: The numbers don't lie, but perhaps the RFL Gods have a soft spot for drooling infants. Perhaps an age limit will need to be imposed next season.] Perhaps this is because Commissioner (if he really is one anymore) Wang feels that he has to justify the pre-season rankings by his narcissistic alter-ego Foge Fazio - which put us at #14 back in August. Perhaps it is because Wang feels that a 20 month old baby who rarely strings two words together, such as myself, should not be able to achieve double digit victories in only his second season at the helm. I don't know. Either way, my feeling is that Wang can take his rankings and stick them up his butt! The numbers that he should be most concerned about are #2 (my regular season finish in the standings) and #4 (the number of teams still vying for Aglione glory, myself included, his squad not). [WIR Editorial Staff: Commish Wang already has been forced to stick a little too much stuff "where the sun don't shine" of late. And we don't (necessarily) mean that in a sexual way, but our statement is open to be interpreted whichever way you desire.] Another blatant underestimation of the Gefilte Fish came at the hands of Stan Wilson who stated in WIR #13 that "it must be difficult relying on Marcel Shipp". Bad idea Stan. Piece of advice #1: don't insult Marcel... or you might find yourself up by a bundle going into Sunday night in your pivotal first round playoff game until Marcel Shipp drops a 27-spot on ya. How ya like me now!?! [WIR Editorial Staff: Shipp is still a so-so RB on a *BAD* team. Let's see what he does against SF next week before we start liking him.] In the category of more bad news for the rest of the League, the Brodkin franchise is planning on expanding the front-office management. My mother is currently carrying our new Chief Executive Vice President in Charge of Player Personnel. My new sibling (gender unknown) will take duties after labor & delivery (scheduled May 2003) and a rigorous RFL executive training course in the spring in summer. They will be ready to start for next season's draft. [WIR Editorial Staff: These are in order, so... CONGRATS! But... we hear the rest of the League drooling - as additional administrative red-tape in Brodkin HQs can only mean the further slowing down of the creativity and inspiration that were once the trademarks of a more nimble Brodkin franchise.] Thank you for your attention. I expect some justice in Week 15 in Review. [WIR Editorial Staff: Perhaps you should save your call for justice until the Week 17 WIR?] Sincerely, Isaac Brodkin (a.k.a. Baby Brodz) co-GM, Furious Gefilte Fish ****************************************************** RFL GM Profiles: ****************************************************** RFL WIR Editorial Staff: This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 185 D Culpepper (Las Ranas De Mayan) 172 R Gannon (Ghetto Fab Bindys) 154 D McNabb (Samurai Sumos) RB 265 P Holmes (AC Milan) 191 R Williams (The Kavir Dwellers) 189 L Tomlinson (Samurai Sumos) 179 D McAllister (Junior Mints) 168 C Portis (Repulsive Punk Asses) 165 T Henry (TheFreakinBlackHawks) WR 157 T Owens (Furious Gefilte Fish) 148 M Harrison (Everyone Go Deep) 131 H Ward (Repulsive Punk Asses) 109 J Horn (AC Milan) 103 J Rice (Fat Bastards) 102 E Moulds (Chinks in the Armor) 102 R Moss (Samurai Sumos) TE 78 T Gonzalez (Las Ranas De Mayan) 56 B Franks (Junior Mints) 48 T Heap (Furious Gefilte Fish) 48 A Crumpler (Raider Hater) PK 123 D Akers (The Kavir Dwellers) 119 R Longwell (Cleveland Steamers) 118 S Janikowski (Fat Bastards) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 30 D Culpepper (Las Ranas De Mayan) RB 35 C Portis (Repulsive Punk Asses) 27 M Shipp (Furious Gefilte Fish) WR 22 M Harrison (Everyone Go Deep) 19 R Moss (Samurai Sumos) TE 10 A Crumpler (Raider Hater) PK 12 J Reed (Golden Years) and J Wilkins (TheFreakinBlackHawks) ************** Week 15 total: 155... damn the photon torpedoes! -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** #2-Furious Gefilte Fish (10-5, 47.3) vs. #3-Fat Bastards (9-6, 50.1) Brodz Edge Zach BGriese -> BFavre MShipp -> EGeorge KRobinson -- CGarner TOwens <- JRice THolt <- KMcCardell THeap -- JShockey MVanderjagt -- SJanikowski Previous meeting: FGF 47-23 in Week 7 The big matchup that should determine this semi's outcome is the DEN at OAK contest Sunday afternoon. Brodz will have the DEN QB and potentially Easy Ed at RB/WR. Zach will trot out his Raider triplets. The Raiders dominated the Broncos in DEN earlier this season, but all these starters should have the opportunity to score as much as they set their minds to this week. If Brodz chooses to go with Koren instead of Ed, Koren should be able to put up a good number against STL. Brodz' 2 definite starting WRs - TO and THolt - will have very favorable matchups (against AZ and SEA respectively). For Zach... Favre should be able to light up BUF, but the other matchups are not so favorable: EGeorge at JAX, Keenan vs. PIT, Shockey at IND. None of those 3 matchups are showstoppers, but none are nearly as favorable as those of TO and THolt. Brodz' keys: taking full advantage of his favorable matchups and hopefully getting some decent production from Shipp. Zach's keys: a big Raider win over DEN and to have at least 2 other starters step up big. **** Looks pretty even on paper, but... Brodz by 3 **** -------------------------------------------- **** THE **** OTHER **** SEMIFINAL **** #1-AC Milan (13-1-1, 61.9) vs. #5-Repulsive Punk Asses (9-6, 45.8) Clark Edge Richard TGreen -> ABrooks PHolmes -> CPortis TBarber <- SMack JHorn <- HWard PPrice <- MMuhammad RMcMichael -- MPollard SChristie -- JNedney Previous meeting: ACM and RPA did not face each other in the reg season Priest or no Priest the SD-KC game is the one Clark will be watching on Sunday morning. If Priest is a no-go, Clark has currently committed to starting SD's Tim Dwight at RB/WR. AC Milan also has TGreen and SChristie in that game. One wonders why Clark would dump MGramatica (perhaps will get lots of FGAs against PIT) for 1 ppg Christie, but perhaps we shouldn't question the GM on the verge of being the first ever to score 1000 pts in a season. Clark has already surpassed Ali's 2000 record for most pts in a season (907). It's not clear how the scoring will go in that SD-KC game, but clearly AC Milan's season could come to an end in Missouri. Whenever Priest has been subpar, Tiki and Peerless have picked up the slack. Clark will really be counting on those 2 this week. But don't overlook Horn and McMichael - as both of these guys will be facing porous Ds. Richard brings a relatively hot team into this semifinal. After Week 6... Richard was 2-4 (both wins were scrub wins), RPA was averaging 34.3 ppg (last in the League), and AC Milan was averaging nearly 30 ppg more. But from Weeks 7 through 15... Richard has never scored less than 45 (the only team that can claim such consistency), and RPA has boosted their scoring average a strong 11.5 ppg overall. Clearly... RPA's ceiling is much less high than Clark's. Richard's 68 last week was his first time over 59 this season. Clark has scored more than 59 8 times - with a high of 85. Throwing to Clark's Horn will be Richard's Brooks. RPA's stud RB Portis will be taking on OAK. This would have been good news last year, but OAK's run D is improved this year. Hines is RPA's #1 WR, but is a little dinged - and should be a lot more dinged after facing TB. WR #2 Muhsin is most likely hurt someplace (as is his QB), but at least will be facing a weak Bear D. The keys for Clark: healing Priest by Sunday, getting the other AC Milan starters to play up to their potential (which should be enough to beat RPA) if Priest can't go. The keys for Richard: making sure Priest can't play on Sunday, getting 2 players to go above and beyond the call of duty. **** No Priest makes it a lot closer than it should be, Clark by 1 **** -------------------------------------------- Consolation Bracket Games: #7-Las Ranas De Mayan (7-8, 52.7) by 15 over #6-Golden Years (7-7-1, 45.5) Stan is still the 2nd highest scoring team in the League. No Marshall means no win for Cals. #8-The Kavir Dwellers (7-8, 48.7) by 10 over #4-Cleveland Steamers (8-7, 46.3) Ali has outscored Vesh each of the last 5 weeks. Vesh's team is falling apart at the seams. -------------------------------------------- Losers Winners Bracket Games: #9-Everyone Go Deep (8-7, 48.1) by 2 over #12-Ghetto Fab Bindys (7-8, 51.4) These 2 teams could've easily been meeting in a semifinal. Gary's been strong the last 7 weeks. Shiv's been much more up and down over the same 7 weeks. Shiv should win if he picks the right 2 WRs. #14-Samurai Sumos (6-9, 48.1) by 5 over #15-Raider Hater (5-9-1, 44.2) Both rookie GMs have cranked it up over the last 3 weeks. Kitna's doing a better job for Mike than Brees. Drew's RBs (Bennett and Duce) have been surprisingly solid. -------------------------------------------- Losers Losers Bracket Games: #10-TheFreakinBlackHawks (7-8, 44.2) by 4 over #11-Chinks in the Armor (6-8-1, 50.4) Low-scoring JoePa has outscored CitA each of the last 2 weeks. Wang needs a win to have a shot at finishing at .500. #16-Spitz34 (3-12, 44.6) by 6 over #13-Junior Mints (6-9, 43.5) Brad needs to win last 2 to match last year's undrafted team's record. Joebob's currently last in RFL in scoring. Last year's Mahatma's Minions were #1.