Rejuvinated Fornication for Lutherans* Week 13 December 4, 2002 NC-17 (My stream of consciousness is a little more twisted this week, so this oughta be interesting.) **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** I AM THE PUMPKIN PIE KING all shall kneel before my custardly superiority Getting invited to Thanksgiving dinner is gratifying to someone who's real family is 2000 miles away, so when you get invited to two, it's stupendous. Not wanting to turn folks down, I accepted to attend dessert instead from one of my invites. This means I got to take another whack at making the legendary pumpkin pie. This was also attempted two years ago, with curious results. The guests that year, after realizing I made a (very dark) pumpkin pie instead of what they initially thought was chocolate, dug right in. Now let it be known that molasses and black strap molasses are two entirely different substances, the latter resembling Texas crude in both color, weight and flavor. Alas, I made the substitution anyway, and the nicest comment I got was "it's a real......taste sensation" (elderly people are so polite). That sensation was akin to what it must be like to take apart a dirty hash pipe and lick the insides clean...minus the buzz. Fast forward to 2002. It was time for me to get back in the ring and conquer the pie once and for all. This homie likes to keep it real, so I ran off to the Central Market for sugar pumkpins (not canned), shortening for the crust (not premade), whisky cuz the recipe called for it, etc. Talk about a suicide mission. I knew I was in for it when I ran into one of the landscape architects who recently procured my services, and upon seeing four pumpkins in my shopping cart, she looked at me with a sense of impending doom as if I was really buying my first vial of crack. Clearly she had been around long enough to have seen the carnage first hand. Back to the lab...first the crust...mix, fold, freeze, poke with a fork, freeze, poke, freeze, poke. This is what sex with Laura Bush must be like. A nyway, on to the filling. Why are pumpkins so stringy? Getting a puree out of this slop takes a pretty long time with the blender mom bought you for college (gallons of margaritas later). Fluff the egg whites, fold, pour, bake, and voila...pumkpin pie. Not wanting to see *all* of my work go to others, I doubled the recipe and baked one for myself. More on that second pie later. Seven hours, one fat meal, and a nervous Patriots victory later, I unveiled my craft to the discriminating tastes of one homo, two fussy homos, one *french* homo, and a hick from Lubbock. The panel was so tough, even the Iron Chefs would have gone running to the freezer section for Mrs. Smith. The result? Success! Rave reviews! My coronation is finally achieved. Revenge is mine. Later that evening I waddled home and slumped into bed, leaving the other of my very own culinary masterpiece still cooling on the counter. All mine...mmmmmmmmm. But apparently the pie was too good to resist, as the next morning I observed an empty pie tin upside down on the kitchen floor and a black lab slinking across the room towards his doggie bed, trying to look as invisible as possible. Alas, fame was short lived, as now I am known as the guy who has a really fat dog. P.S.: Dogs and high fiber foods are a lethal combination. I could have run into Baghdad with him under my arm, ass pointed out, and unleashed my own "weapon of mass destruction" on whatever enemy I've been told I have. BENCH TEAM! What's the point? Why are we all reminded of our GM incompetency week after week? Let's not live lives of regret people. If we decide that Tai Streets and his team-high yardage ride the pine, then Tai must have been really naughty in practice and he deserves what he gets. Meticulously Presented Stats: Highest scoring team: AC Milan - 63.8 ppg Lowest scoring team: Raider Hater - 41.9 ppg Toughest defense: Repulsive Punk Asses - 41.1 ppg Softest defense: Raider Hater - 55.9 ppg League scoring average: 48.1 ppg (last year 37.3) --------------------------------------------- Gimme some of that righteous lovin'... on to WIR #13! --------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Missionary Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Repulsive Punk Asses 8 5 0 3.5 574 534 L1 Golden Years 6 6 1 5 604 634 L3 Ghetto Fab Bindys 6 7 0 5.5 683 657 L1 Chinks in the Armor 5 7 1 6 662 637 W1 Doggie Style Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK AC Milan 11 1 1 - 829 561 W3 Furious Gefilte Fish 8 5 0 3.5 578 604 L2 The Kavir Dwellers 6 7 0 5.5 620 681 W3 Spitz34 3 10 0 8.5 585 703 L4 Five Times Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Las Ranas De Mayan 7 6 0 4.5 704 664 L1 TheFreakinBlackHawks 6 7 0 5.5 550 607 L1 Samurai Sumos 5 8 0 6.5 601 580 W1 Raider Hater 4 8 1 7 545 727 L2 Oops she was a Drag Queen Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Cleveland Steamers 8 5 0 3.5 623 596 W2 Fat Bastards 7 6 0 4.5 657 623 W2 Everyone Go Deep 7 6 0 4.5 625 603 W1 Junior Mints 5 8 0 6.5 563 592 W1 ------------------------------------------------- WEEK 13 IN REVIEW ******************* Las Ranas De Mayan 53 The Kavir Dwellers 60 Scrub loss for Stan (1-4) - deserves to be 10-3 instead of 7-6. Ricky Williams should have sprained or broken something by now, but it was not to be as Stan falls to the Kavir Dwellers and Ricky's career day. Culpepper is bumbling his way back to his old scoring ways, and Dillon continues to be solid with his charitable work in Cincy, but it was not enough to topple the Dwellers mighty RB attack. c'pep 16 driver 3 kevj 3 dillon 11 gonzo 10 jstew 4 feely 6 brunell 8 trash 0 toomer 6 antowain 10 wycheck 7 rwilliams 25 akers 4 AC Milan 73 SPITZ34 36 Oh the humanity! AC Milan showed no mercy, risking injuries to starters in a game they didn't need to win. A more ruthless GM there has never been (sorry JoeBob). Watch out for the Brad-Clark rematch next year...revenge is on Brad's mind. Clark's receivers come up big, and having a receiver in a dome (Horn) is a nice edge for the playoffs. Bledsoe has also got his groove back and Peerless benefits greatly. Fred Taylor scored a rare late-season 10 for Brad. tgreen 10 horn 12 pprice 17 tiki 9 mcmichael 0 priest 21 mgramma 4 warner 4 jsmith 7 rsmith 2 fred 10 chamberlain 0 burress 5 hollis 8 Chinks in the Armor 74 Furious Gefilte Fish 42 Wang's squad poured it on this week, leaving the veteran GM/Commish too tired to provide your's truly with detailed stats for this week's WIR. :-) The media is touting Michael Vick as the next big thing, just like they did for Vanilla Ice, dry beer, the Macarena, Ralph Sampson, and Pop Tarts Crunch Cereal (with four different layers of sugar). Sure enough, the mobile-QB-of-the-moment didn't disappoint, putting up 28 for Wang and crew. See above regarding Moulds. Dave's squad put up a fight, but relying on Marcel Shipp has to be discomforting. Scoring a paltry three fantasy points while the focus of your NFL team's offense is pretty rough. The timeless Steve Beuerlein provided some solid numbers in a fill-in role, but Sharpie McFuckface came up with a disappointing 2 receiver points for the highly agitated Chanuka icthyospheres. vick 28 moulds 13 ttaylor 9 ahman 6 stalexander 2 wgreen 7 elam 9 beuerlein 8 towens 2 tholt 4 shipp 3 heap 7 koren 11 vanderjagt 7 Samurai Sumos 52 Ghetto Fab Bindys 39 It was a big week for RBs, and Tomlinson delivered for the Sumos, almost single handedly driving the team to victory. Good thing, because who the hell is Gaylor? Shivan has wisely stepped away from his Giants ways, but even a big day from Gannon doesn't necessarily translate into a big RFL day. brees 4 rmoss 7 gaylor 0 ladanian 33 fjones 1 pittman 2 carney 5 gannon 10 booker 3 porter 1 shalexander 8 clewis 2 jlewis 7 vinatieri 8 TheFreakinBlackHawks 37 Fat Bastards 65 Sorry, I forgot which one of you guys was jabba. Anyway, the fat bastards rumbled along with a balanced attack to keep on the good side of the playoff hunt. Keenan got a rare 12. I have to pause here to say that Jerry Rice may just be the real deal. You heard it here first folks. JoePa continues to get good production from THenry and it should only get better as the weather in the Northeast gets worse. It may be too little too late for Joe though. garcia 3 rgardner 10 pinky 3 thenry 15 dgraham 0 sdavis 3 wilkins 3 favre 10 rice 9 keenan 12 egeorge 10 shockey 4 cgarner 6 seabass 14 Everyone Go Deep 52 Raider Hater 25 I was really pulling for Raider Hater on this one, but after 25 points, I'll just hate the Raiders on my own and stop rooting for fellow haters. Stallworth picked a bad week to come up empty, and Manning is settling into one of those unselfish veteran QBs every fantasy owner hates. Former unselfish veteran Bledsoe is back to his younger ways of airing it out, providing a nice 21 for Gary. bledsoe 21 harrison 5 laverne 9 atrain 1 becht 0 bettis 5 bryant 11 manning 6 chambers 1 donte' 0 bennett 11 algae 2 staley 2 olindo 3 Golden Years 29 Junior Mints 42 Scrub win for Joebob (2-1) - deserves to be 4-9 instead of 5-8. These old storied rivals put on a pathetic display last week. Joe needs to stop making JJ pick his lineups by throwing strained peas at a depth chart, but a scrub win is a scrub win I guess. Cals' team is painfully old, save for the seasonally appropriate (Doug) Jolley. The end of a long season is not kind on the likes of TBrown, Emmitt, Morten Andersen, and Isaac Bruce. Still, Emmitt had a little gas left in him (pumpkin pie?) and put up 8 for the, er, Years. couch 2 timbrown 5 isaac 4 emmitt 8 jolley 3 candidate 0 mort 7 kcollins 11 she 2 northcutt 2 martin 1 franks 8 mccallister 11 chandler 7 Cleveland Steamers 56 Repulsive Punk Asses 50 Josh's team name is gross. Hearst put up a mighty 26 despite making homophobic remarks to a SF fan base that's full of homos. Apparently he's never heard of John Rocker. I'll defer all other commentary to Josh's flowery emails of earlier this week. brady 4 cjohnson 10 qmorgan 0 edge 3 fauria 1 hearst 26 longwell 12 brooks 9 heinz 4 mushin muhammad 2 portis 23 pollard 6 smack 0 nedney 6 -------------------------------------------- Transactions Team ---- ADD ---- DROP look 'em up for yourself on yahoo! ******************************************************** WILSON'S WANING WORDS ====== ====== ======= Here's My Hastily Constructed Playoff Scenario Steamroller: 1 AC Milan 11-1-1 .885 829.00 W-3 Rumbling Towards Playoffs: 2 Cleveland Steamers 8-5-0 .615 623.00 W-2 3 Furious Gefilte Fish 8-5-0 .615 578.00 L-2 4 Repulsive Punk Asses 8-5-0 .615 574.00 L-1 5 Las Ranas De Mayan 7-6-0 .538 704.00 L-1 Probably In: 6 Fat Bastards 7-6-0 .538 657.00 W-2 7 Everyone Go Deep 7-6-0 .538 625.00 W-1 8 Golden Years 6-6-1 .500 604.00 L-3 Could Easily Pull It Off: 9 Ghetto Fab Bindys 6-7-0 .462 683.00 L-1 Need Help: 10 The Kavir Dwellers 6-7-0 .462 620.00 W-3 11 TheFreakinBlackHawks 6-7-0 .462 550.00 L-1 Longshot: 12 Chinks in the Armor 5-7-1 .423 662.00 W-1 Send in Your RFL Bucks Now: 13 Samurai Sumos 5-8-0 .385 601.00 W-1 14 junior mints 5-8-0 .385 563.00 W-1 15 Raider Hater 4-8-1 .346 545.00 L-2 16 SPITZ34 3-10-0 .231 585.00 L-4 ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: Kathy Ireland ************************************************* RFL WIR Editorial Staff: Kathy was last seen on a cable-access infomercial for some crackpot religious self-help program. No kidding. How does this happen? We live in a brutal society when our supermodels are destined to share the spotlight with wax-haired televangelists who don't even have their own makeup crew. This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR (and Kate Moss, as soon as she sponsors the RFL). ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 157 R Gannon (Ghetto Fab Bindys) 154 D McNabb (Samurai Sumos) 143 D Culpepper (Las Ranas De Mayan) RB 236 P Holmes (AC Milan) 167 L Tomlinson (Samurai Sumos) 160 R Williams (The Kavir Dwellers) 143 D McAllister (Junior Mints) 142 T Henry (TheFreakinBlackHawks) 138 S Alexander (Ghetto Fab Bindys) WR 128 T Owens (Furious Gefilte Fish) 125 H Ward (Repulsive Punk Asses) 122 M Harrison (Everyone Go Deep) 99 J Horn (AC Milan) 99 E Moulds (Chinks in the Armor) 96 J Rice (Fat Bastards) TE 73 T Gonzalez (Las Ranas De Mayan) 54 B Franks (Junior Mints) 42 S Sharpe (Cleveland Steamers) PK 104 D Akers (The Kavir Dwellers) 104 M Andersen (Golden Years) 103 R Longwell (Cleveland Steamers) RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 28 M Vick (Chinks in the Armor) RB 33 L Tomlinson (Samurai Sumos) 25 R Williams (The Kavir Dwellers) WR 19 P Price (AC Milan) 12 J Horn (AC Milan) TE 10 T Gonzalez (Las Ranas De Mayan) PK 14 S Janikowski (Fat Bastards) ************** Week 13 total: 141... RBs (and AC Milan) rule! -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** 3-Ghetto Fab Bindys (6-7, 52.5) by 1 over 10-TheFreakinBlackHawks (6-7, 42.3) Garcia == Gannon Gardner <- Porter Pinkston == Mason Henry <= Alexander Graham => CLewis Davis == JLewis Wilkins -> Vinatieri Shivan needs this win and a loss from someone just ahead of him to get into the playoffs. Close matchup, but THenry looks to be the difference here. 2-Chinks in the Armor (5-7-1, 50.9) by 6 over 6-Spitz34 (3-10, 45.0) The Smiths have faded into oblivion for Brad. 7-AC Milan (11-1-1, 63.8) by 26 over 16-Cleveland Steamers (8-5, 47.9) Too much Priest. 9-Samurai Sumos (5-8, 46.2) by 2 over 8-Furious Gefilte Fish (8-5, 44.5) Holt and Griese aren't what they used to be. 15-Fat Bastards (7-6, 50.5) by 2 over 14-Everyone Go Deep (7-6, 48.1) Marquee matchup at QB (Bledsoe-Favre). Close one goes to FB. 5-The Kavir Dwellers (6-7, 47.7) by 6 over 11-Raider Hater (4-8-1, 41.9) RWilliams and Antowain are a solid duo for Ali. 12-Las Ranas De Mayan (7-6, 54.2) by 8 over 1-Golden Years (6-6-1, 46.5) Soft defenses abound for Stan's players. 4-Repulsive Punk Asses (8-5, 44.2) by 1 over 13-Junior Mints (5-8, 43.3) Replace TGlenn and maybe the mints have a better chance. -- *Lutheran is the only religion I could think of that begins with the letter L. If I've offended any of you out there, I'm sorry. Lutherans are cool. Heck I've seen every episode of Davey and Goliath, so there. Dog bless America.