Ali's Heirs to the Ayatollah steamrolled Gary's %$!@#& 37-14 to claim RFL2k's regular season title (and the #1 seed for the 2000 Playoffs) - bequeathed by Brodz' dearly departed Skintight Leather Assless Bodysuits.
Playoff position jostling will be rampant League-wide during the regular season's final week - as playoff positions 2 through 8 are all up for grabs. All Jacked Up has the inside track on the #2 seed - with Fresh Squeezed (2 pts scored back) and Na Brown's Boys (12 pts scored back) breathing down their necks.
Carpet Bombers leads the trio of 8-5 teams - and is the 2nd highest scoring team overall. TDSWSLWWFSP is 20 pts scored behind CB, but 13 ahead of AJU. Wins by CB and/or TDSWSLWWFSP should propel them over any 9-4 team that loses in Week 14.
Fire in the Hole should head into the Playoffs as the #7 or #8 seed. A win - plus a loss by either CB or TDSWSLWWFSP - would result in moving up a spot or 2.
Minnesota Nice is currently holding onto the #8 spot. %$!@#& and TAQAP(tm) still have outside shots at passing MN. MN could also ease past FITH for the #7 seed.
THE PLAYOFF PICTURE can be found in the Wang's Wingin' It section below.

GET OUT!!!

Highest scoring team: Heirs to the Ayatollah - 52.4 ppg
Lowest scoring team: The Everyday Tokers - 27.5 ppg
Toughest defense: Fresh Squeezed - 34.8 ppg
Softest defense: The Everyday Tokers - 45.1 ppg
League scoring average: 38.8 ppg
Teams with most 50-yard bonus pts: All Jacked Up & TAQAP(tm) (129), FS (126)
Teams with least bonus pts: The Everyday Tokers (69), CB (87) and %$!@#& (90)
Enough random babbling... on to WIR #13!

****************************
**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
****************************
Curly Back Hair 35
All Jacked Up 48

Curly Back Hair needed to win this one to keep hope alive, but Eddie and Freddie combined for an Eddie to help lead Clark's AJU to victory. Tiki and Gary also Jacked Up CBH for 18 more. That lawyer guy from Night Court suited up at RB for Adam - as Adam's DC insiders failed to inform him that SDavis would be a "no go" this week. Beuerlein needed 23 to pull out a Monday Night Madness victory, but came up 14 short. A win in Week 14 over Gary - plus enough pts to stay ahead of the Joebob-Cals contest - would mean the #2 seed for Clark (plus 125 RFL bucks).

b'lein 9 Larroquette X warren 3 oronde 6 jef'son 6 becht 6 mare 5
gus 3 tiki 9 egeorge 15 herman 0 dmason 0 freddie 12 anderson 9
----------------------------------------------------------------------
%$!@#& 14
Heirs to the Ayatollah 37

After a 4-game winning streak had %$!@#& riding high at 6-3, Gary has now dropped 4 in a row to fall to 6-7. Caroline in the City had to take the snaps for %$!@#& - as Elvis and The Snake were both too lame to attempt to stand in HTTA's way. Edgerrin won his 1-on-1 duel with Marshall, but both were underwhelming. Robert Smith and Moulds both brought in the doughnuts for Ali. Surviving Faulk's goose-egg should be taken as a good sign. Faulk can only get shutout once per season, right?!? Heirs can rest their starters in Week 14 against Adam. Homefield throughout the playoffs has already been conceded to HTTA. The trick is to figure out how to avoid the 1st round upset bug that has bitten the #1 seed in each of the LAST 3 YEARS (Brodz' SLAB, Vesh's Romanians & Seto's RR)!!!

Caroline X ejames 9 anders 0 morton 0 qadry 0 dmoore 0 c'stie 5
c'pper 6 mfaulk 0 rsmith 12 moulds 12 chrebet 0 wycheck 0 dgreco 7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Carpet Bombers 35
Crazed Beagles on the Run 38

All Wally needed was a TD from Freeman to ensure that his 38-33 lead heading into MNM would be good enough for victory. Freeman came up empty. So... all Tim needed was 6 from Crawford and/or Longwell (Wally unofficially had the bench pts advantage) to virtually sew up the #2 seed. Longwell put in his 2 pts worth against the rugged Panther D, but Crawford could not put a dent in that tinfoil of a D trotted out there by GB... Carpet Bombers suffered a bitter defeat at the hands of the Snoopies With Their Heads Cut Off. TGreen and PManning matched 6s, and RWatters and WDunn (wow!) matched 18s. Wally's key to victory was the cellulite-ridden foot of Janikowski!

green 6 watters 18 tyrone 9 jsmith 0 tmartin 0 c'ford 0 l'well 2
peyton 6 wdunn 18 kfaulk 0 freeman 0 marcus 0 riem'ma 3 jan'ski 11
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TheDeterminedSpermWhichSquirm... 67
The Everyday Tokers 37

Richard headed into Monday Night Madness trailing 45-37. A TD plus 50 yds for Bubba Franks - plus holding Hoover and Nedney scoreless - would have meant a most excellent come from behind win for TET. However... Bubba dropped all his chances for TDs, and Hoover and Nedney combined for an Emmitt. Moss and Dayne were smokin' for the Tokers. Mike Anderson and Marvin Harrison combined to score all the pts Brodz would need to win this one. The Determined Sperm... are currently #6. A win over Wally would propel them past the loser of Joebob-Cals, and potentially Clark and/or Tim (should either AJU or CB fall).
Scrub Loss for Richard (1-2). TET should be 4-9 instead of 3-10.

dilfer 6 hoover 15 mand'son 24 har'son 15 conway 0 tonyg 0 nedney 7
brunell 3 dayne 9 kaufman 0 moss 18 twilkins 0 bubba 0 gr'tica 7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Black Ops 40
TheArmchairQBAdventurePlayset(tm) 59

Just like last year, Stan's late-season charge at the last playoff spot looks like it'll come up just a bit short. The Armchair Quarterback Adventure Playset (tm) was led by Jamal "Don't confuse me with Jermaine" Lewis and Rod "RFL2k Comeback Player of the Year" Smith this week. Stan's only weak link is 1st round pick "Spare the" Air McNair. Look for Stan's 1st round curse to continue next year - as Stan picks Culpepper or McNabb or ABrooks (to follow his past McNair, Brunell and Kordell?!? picks). JoePa has only been able to start Fred and Terrell in the same game 3 times all year. BO is only 1-2 in those games. Fred is making a strong push up the RB scoring list (currently #12). Terrell is tied for 34th with Napolean Kaufman. Gannon, Sloan and Hanson provided excellent support for Fred on this week's mission, but Black Ops lost 2 operatives to TAQAP(tm)'s treacherous Blocking Sled of Horror(R).
Scrub loss for JoePa (1-2). BO should be 5-8 instead of 4-9.

gannon 6 ftaylor 12 centers 0 boston 0 holt 3 sloan 9 hanson 10
mcnair 0 jallen 6 jlewis 21 horn 3 rod 15 chad 3 akers 11
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Nasty Pimps 61
Minnesota Nice 25

In a game that meant a *lot* to Kevin regarding playoff positioning (i.e., avoiding Ali's HTTA in the 1st round), Minnesota Nice went to down defeat against Shiv's Mighty Nasty Pimps. Kevin currently has 5 Saints on his roster - and I hear Cam Cleeland's rehab is going well. The "Who Dat?" duo of ABrooks (coming off his stint as Capt. Sisko on DS9) and DBrien produced 22 for MN. JMoore added 9 for the MN bench - behind CMartin's pain in the buttocks. Shiv trailed 25-18 heading into Sunday Nitro's action, but Pittman and Daluiso torched the MN D for an Emmitt. Brett and Muhsin then roughed Kevin up more on MNF to the tune of 21 pts.

favre 3 priest 9 pittman 15 muhsin 18 hakim 9 roland 0 daluiso 7
brooks 15 cmartin 0 terrelle 0 key 0 dalex'er 3 dudley 0 brien 7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Na Brown's Boys 35
Merry Munching Merkins 32

Due to Vesh's bench pts advantage, Joebob needed a TD + 100 yds from Ahman on Monday Night to save the day. You didn't expect any pts from Mangum, did you?!? Lo and behold... Joebob's soul was indeed worth a W (this one of the scrub variety) for the 8th straight week. Ahman juked and jived his way to a 1st half TD - and then hit the 100 yd mark relatively early in the 2nd half. Is Joebob's soul worth Na Brown's Boys' 9th straight W against Cals this weekend? We shall see. Suddenly Susan QBed for Vesh. Merkins Merrily Munched on yet another delicious performance - albeit in a losing cause - from CDillon.
Scrub Win for Joebob (2-0). NBB should be 7-6 instead of 9-4.

king 6 green 12 bettis 9 cris 0 ed 0 mangum 0 elam 8
Susan X rich'son 3 dillon 18 tibrown 9 albert 0 dilger 0 v'jagt 2
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fire in the Hole 18
Fresh Squeezed 35

Since joining RFL in '94, Commish #2 Wang does not recall *ever* defeating League Founder Cals on the gridiron! 7 years of depth chart judgment impairing migraines every week of the Cals-Wang Clash *CANNOT* be a mere coincidence! This year's stoopidity included "conscious" decisions to start KCollins, JRRedmond, JGraham and JeffHall (9 pts) over RJohnson, Emmitt, JThrash and KBrown (36 pts). How many "next year"s are there?!?!? All-RFL PK Stover led the way for Cals' Fresh Squeezed. Amani stuck it to his former FITH teammates with 9.
Scrub Win for Cals (1-0). FS should be 8-5 instead of 9-4.

kerry 3 stewart 9 jr 0 mayes 0 graham 0 sharpe 0 jeffhall 6
brock 0 jamala 6 shicks 3 toomer 9 ibruce 3 jackie 0 stover 14
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Week 14 will have another Thursday night game (the last of the season):
DET at MN

The precedent set earlier this season regards FREEZING depth for positions affected by these games. The following GMs need to freeze the noted positions (barring last-minute roster spasmatic impulses) by Thursday afternoon:

Gary WR
Ali QB RB
Clark WR PK
Richard WR
JoePa TE PK
Stan QB
Joebob WR
Wang RB
Cals WR

Adam, Tim, Brodz, Wally, Shiv, Kevin and Vesh currently have no DET-MN players.

All other positions' depth can be adjusted until the normal Sunday morning 10am (CA time) deadline.

REMINDER: GET IN YOUR TRANSACTION REQUESTS *BEFORE* THURSDAY'S GAME!!! Transaction requests submitted between kickoff of Thursday's game and kickoff of the Sunday morning games go into the DIBS QUEUE - and will be resolved next Tuesday (12/5) morning.

PLAYOFF GAME TIEBREAKERS:
*************************

During the regular season... if two teams tie with respect to starter points and bench points, the game is declared a tie. In the playoffs, the tiebreaker system below is employed:
1) BENCH POINTS
2) TOTAL YARDS (PASSING, RUSHING, RECEIVING) BY STARTERS
3) BENCH YARDS
4) COIN TOSS

THE PLAYOFF RACE WITH ONE WEEK TO GO
************************************

With 1 week left in the regular season, here is a look at the current overall standings in the race for the Steamroller - and a peek at how the teams might finish.
Please keep in mind the OFFICIAL RFL PLAYOFF TIEBREAKERS:
1. TOTAL POINTS SCORED
2. HEAD-TO-HEAD RECORD
3. OVERALL SCRUB RECORD
4. TOTAL POINTS ALLOWED (more is better, indicates a tougher schedule)
5. COIN TOSS

THE PLAYOFF PICTURE
*** ******* *******

Team	W	L	GB	PF
1 Heirs to the Ayatollah	11	2	-	681
x All Jacked Up	9	4	2	551
x Fresh Squeezed	9	4	2	549
x Na Brown's Boys	9	4	2	539
x Carpet Bombers	8	5	3	584
x The Determined Sperm Which Squirm...	8	5	3	564
x Fire in the Hole	8	5	3	474
Minnesota Nice	7	6	4	532
---- ---- ---- ----
TheArmchairQBAdventurePlayset(tm)	6	7	5	479
%$!@#&	6	7	5	450
z Curly Back Hair	5	8	6	488
z Nasty Pimps	5	8	6	447
z Black Ops	4	9	7	480
z Crazed Beagles on the Run	4	9	7	465
z The Everyday Tokers	3	10	8	357
z Merry Munching Merkins	2	11	9	436

# - clinched playoff seed
x - clinched playoff spot
z - send in those checks (50 RFL bucks) to the address at the bottom of this email

HTTA has won the Steamroller and the #1 seed. Remaining game against CBH is meaningless - except for overall W-L record.

The 9-4 teams (AJU, FS, NBB) are essentially fighting for seeds 2 through 6. A win means staying in the top 3. A loss (FS vs. NBB assures that there will be at least 1 loser [barring a tie]) could mean a fall to #6.

AJU: should beat %$!@#&
FS and NBB face off in Week 14's GOTW!

The 8-5 teams (CB, TDPWSLWWFSP, FITH) are all favored - ppg-wise - to win their last game. Win and CB and/or TDPWSLWWFSP *could* climb all the way up to #3. Lose and FITH could fall to the dreaded #8 spot (vs. HTTA in q'finals).

CB: should beat TET
TDPWSLWWFSP: should beat CBotR
FITH: tight game on tap with Mmm

MN sits in the #8 position with a 7-6 record. Beat BO, and MN could move up 1 or more seeds. Lose to BO and get outscored by 53 (TAQAP(tm)) and/or 82 (%$!@#&), and MN could fall out of the playoffs altogether.

MN: tight game on tap with BO

The 6-7 teams (TAQAP(tm) and %$!@#&) are still mathematically alive.

TAQAP(tm): slightly favored over NP
%$!@#&: should lose to AJU

CBH, NP, BO, CBotR, TET and Mmm have been eliminated.

*************************************************
RFL GM Profiles: Dr. Drew Wagner, 2-time Steamroller Champion
*************************************************

By Cracked RFL Interviewer Joseph Varghese Pynadath

Drew Wagner, former RFL great, current RFL legend. In one year, he redefined RFL greatness with his legendary squad.... THE DANCING CLOWNS ....But just as quickly as he came, as quickly he vanished. His Michael Jordan-like retirement left an unanswered question to all the "Post Wagner" Ags Bowl Winners - Would they have won if Drew was still playing? Now a successful doctor and devoted husband, one might think that Drew no longer needs RFL. Well my friends, that's what we intend to find out.

RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Well, Drew, it certainly has been a long time since you and RFL have been used in the same sentence. Any regrets having "left" the league?

Drew Wagner: My friend, in this life you can't have regrets. RFL is certainly the premier league of its kind in the world and it was great to see it blossom. There aren't many days that pass where my mind isn't drawn to the days of yore. But the only regret I have is not killing Scott Norwood that day I saw him in the checkout lane at Wegman's Supermarket in Buffalo.

RFL: Ah yes, Wegman's Supermarket - That's a true sign of a big time city! Anyway, many have compared you to Michael Jordan in the way you left the game knowing you could still dominate. Your Dancing Clowns team is still considered by many to be the most potent ever assembled. With that said, can we expect a Michael Jordan-like comeback from you as well?

DW: First of all, I am flattered by your comparison of me to Mr. Jordan, (although it isn't the first). I would say that it certainly is possible I could someday retake the League by storm as I did with the Dancing Clowns. All modesty aside... after the "Season of the Clown" - as it is often called - the sins finally caught up to me. With the fame came the money, the drugs, the booze, and of course the women; it was a tough time for me.

RFL: (Nodding his head in agreement) I think the women caused quite a few of us to drop by the wayside. As you know, RFL is a breeding ground for rumors. Care to comment on a couple of these that are being circulated... like you left RFL after meeting Priya once you realized that she was far superior in assessing RFL talent than you were?

DW: I would like to put to sleep some of these rumors
(DW ignores the 1st rumor for unknown reasons)

RFL: How about the rumor that says marriage has softened you. Are you no longer tough enough to handle today's young players?

DW: Being married has only sharpened my abilities to choose players wisely. My intuition for the next great player has been honed by hours of cleaning, yardwork, laundry, and pure comprimise. GMs these days don't have the work ethic we had back in the day. You have the likes of Shivvy Desai cavorting around with all his jewelry and piercings, trash talking, we never did that. Back then it was all about the game, man.

RFL: I hear you brother! Or my favorite rumor - were you only 2nd string to Hapa (Michael Hammill) as the premier Wilding RB?

DW: First of all, I always have been, and always will be the starting RB for the Wilding team. Hapa was merely appendix-like in his utility to our offense. He was big, slow and smelly. On the other hand his defensive exploits were legendary, and as we all know... he was easily the second most important defensive lineman we had.

RFL: (pondering for a moment) I guess it doesn't really matter - the Wilding was all about the aerial attack anyway. This rumor is good too - Drew Wagner a doctor? Lies!! He's a nurse at best!

DW: Although it has been said that I prefer to wear a nurse's outfit, I can assure everybody that I am in fact a doctor.

RFL: OK, enough of the rumors. What are your thoughts on brown people?

DW: Joe, you know darn well that I AM Brown People.

RFL: Well... let's just leave it at you ARE Brown People Wannabes. Moving on, legend has it that you were quite the playboy in your RFL GM heyday. Has it been a difficult transition from this type of lifestyle to your family life?

DW: As I touched on before, my life was taken over by sin back in 1998. When I finally met Priya, she introduced me to the finer things in life. Not only was I able to conquer my demons (drinking, crack, cocaine, strippers, chicken wings), but she introduced me to the whole new world of yoga, and purified my diet to where today I can exist solely on saltine crackers and tofu.

RFL: (in trancelike state) Ummmmm... crackers and tofu... (snapping out) Does your dog ever get "excited" around towels (the way Snehal's did)?

DW: Our dog Zoey lives a sin free life as well and since her ovaries have been removed she has not humped any towels. (Although Snehal's dog sure was funny!)

RFL: (chuckling) It sure was!! What a sick bastard Desai is! Today's GMs who are not up on their RFL history consider you a One Hit Wonder. Was it blind luck or ignorance (drafting the Buffalo Bills) that propelled the Dancing Clowns to the top?

DW: Joseph, my friend, my record stands for itself. I don't believe I ever missed a playoff. Even when I wasn't present for the draft, my associates were able to draft high quality teams based on my recommendations and hours of research.

RFL: What's stopping you from coming back to RFL? Fear that you lost the magic? Time commmittments?

DW: As you know I would love to return. Family life now is my priority. But I am considering returning next year as my schedule will lighten somewhat.

RFL: Has becoming a doctor filled the void left by RFL?

DW: Joe, surgery can be exciting. But there are many things that don't even compare to being in the RFL: the immense sense of anticipation of the RFL draft, the satisfaction of drafting a quality team, savoring a win over the likes of yourself or Coaches Brodkin or Callery, trash talking with people I have never met. In all, I do miss it and can't wait to return.

RFL Final Thoughts: Interviewing Drew, I found a man trapped inside his own created legend. A man too scared to return to RFL for fear that he will not live up to the hype and his legend will shatter. In fact, he's not that much different from a bubble boy in that respect. Will he return? Well, this interviewer sure hopes so. There was no finer evaluator of talent than the Doctor. Can the RFL use a Drew Wagner? You better believe it. With the new Wang regime slowly squeezing the life out of the old, we can use any help we can get. We'll just have to wait and see.

This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR.
********************************************************
SEASON POINTS LEADERS
*********************
QB
124 Daunte Culpepper (Heirs to the Ayatollah)
100 Peyton Manning (Crazed Beagles on the Run)
95 Rich Gannon (Black Ops)

RB
179 Edgerrin James (%$!@#&)
163 Marshall Faulk (Heirs to the Ayatollah)
129 Robert Smith (Heirs to the Ayatollah)
126 Charlie Garner (Curly Back Hair)
126 Eddie George (All Jacked Up)
123 Ricky Williams (Minnesota Nice)

WR
126 Randy Moss (The Everyday Tokers)
123 Rod Smith (TheArmchairQBAdventurePlayset(tm))
111 Marvin Harrison (The Determined Sperm...)
108 Isaac Bruce (Fresh Squeezed)
107 Terrell Owens (Nasty Pimps)
83 Ed McCaffrey (Na Brown's Boys)

TE
69 Tony Gonzalez (The Determined Sperm...)
60 Shannon Sharpe (Fire in the Hole)
48 Freddie Jones (All Jacked Up)

PK
116 Matt Stover (Fresh Squeezed)
94 Gary Anderson (All Jacked Up)
93 Martin Gramatica (The Everyday Tokers)

be sure to check:
The RFL Season Point Leaders page
...for an expanded list of scoring leaders.

Joebob	Advantage	Cals
SKing		JKitna
JBettis		JAnderson
AGreen		TBiakabutuka
CCarter		IBruce
EMcCaffrey		AToomer
MPollard		JHarris
JElam		TSeder

Joebob comes whomping and whooping into this showdown (having won their last 8). Cals' club has also been on a rampage (winning 5 of their last 6). Playoff positioning is at stake. A win means home-field advantage in the first round of the playoffs. This is what RFL is all about... 2 League Elders, guru in his own mind vs. guru of the people, bitter rivals facing off with honor (and RFL bucks) on the line.
Injuries to McNown & Blake & Crowell have sapped Fresh Squeezed of some of their young talent. Na Brown's Boys has also seen some of their grizzled vets (Chandler, Levens, Walls) succumb to Father Time.
JBettis, AGreen and JElam should give Joebob a substantial lead to work with. IBruce is due for a breakout game (only 30 pts in the last 5), but can any other Freshly Squeezed starter step up this week? Kitna? Biakabutuka? Toomer? Jackie?!?!?

**** A blow against Establishment in the name of IFEJ: NBB by 3 ****

©1999-2000 RFL Inc.
All rights reserved.

Revised: November 28, 2000