Team	G	S	B
Fresh Squeezed	2	1	0
Heirs to the Ayatollah	1	2	0
Fire in the Hole	1	1	0
Carpet Bombers	1	0	1
The Armchair Quarterback...	0	1	0
Curly Back Hair	0	1	0
Black Ops	0	0	1
Crazed Beagles on the Run	0	0	1
Minnesota Nice	0	0	1

QB Points: Gold: Carpet Bombers, 72 Silver: Heirs to the Ayatollah, 54 Bronze: Crazed Beagles on the Run, 45 RB Points: Gold: Heirs to the Ayatollah, 123 Silver: Curly Back Hair, 105 Bronze: Minnesota Nice, 78 WR Points: Gold: Fresh Squeezed, 87 Silver: The Armchair Quarterback..., 78 Bronze: Black Ops, 69

TE Points: Gold: Fresh Squeezed, 26 Silver: (tie) Heirs to the Ayatollah, 21 Silver: (tie) Fire in the Hole, 21 PK Points: Gold: Fire in the Hole, 61 Silver: Fresh Squeezed, 48 Bronze: Carpet Bombers, 47

DAMN LIES

Highest scoring team: Heirs to the Ayatollah - 55.2 ppg
Lowest scoring team: The Everyday Tokers - 26.0 ppg
Toughest defense: Fire in the Hole - 27.8 ppg
Softest defense: The Everyday Tokers - 45.6 ppg
League scoring average: 36.9 ppg
Teams with most 50-yard bonus pts: HTTA and FS, 51
Team with least bonus pts: The Everyday Tokers, 27
The Michael Johnson Division took 3 of 4 contests from the Suzy Favor Hamilton Division, while the Maurice Green Division and the Marion Jones Division split their 4 matchups.
Enough random babbling... on to WIR #5!

****************************
**** GAME OF THE WEEK ****
****************************
Black Ops 34
Merry Munching Merkins 31

For the second straight week, Vesh's Merry Munching Merkins were victimized by late night heroics. Last week it was %$!@#&'s Edgerrin. This week it was McNabb. Mmm headed into Sunday Nitro's contest with a 31-21 edge over JoePa's BO. In addition to the 10 point lead, Vesh also had Duce going up against 1st time operative McNabb. Staley was taken out early by sneaky means, while McNabb rolled up 350 yds and 2 TD passes. Veteran operative Gannon might have trouble reclaiming his mission leader position. General JoePa has a tough call to make - particularly since the next Black Ops mission takes them to Ali's Dome of Terror. Terrell and Fred continue to stumble about for BO. Boston and Holt displayed courage under fire. Jay Schroeder surprised everyone with 18 as a WR. Albert and Ken were KIA.
Scrub Win for JoePa (1-0)

mcnabb 13 tdavis 0 ftaylor 0 boston 9 holt 6 sloan 0 hanson 6
bj'son 3 duce 0 dillon 6 schroeder 18 aconnell 0 dilger 0 v'jagt 4
----------------------------------------------------------------------
%$!@#& 23
TheDeterminedSpermWhichSquirm... 31

After Edgerrin's stirring Monday night comeback last week, %$!@#& fell short this Monday night. Gary was down 25-17 to Brodz with Elvis going up against Tony G. 2 TD passes and 300 yards would have done the trick. Elvis got the 2 TDs, nearly ran one in and nearly got the 300 yards... but couldn't resist the temptation to throw a TD to Tony. Edgerrin was human this week. The Determined Sperm which Squirm Like Worms with Firm Stern Perms' receiving corps combined for 24 - all the pts Brodz would need to win this one.
Scrub Win for Brodz (1-1)

elvis 6 ejames 8 rhett 0 morton 3 qadry 0 bjornson 0 seder 6
banks 0 mand'son 0 beasley 0 harrison 6 moulds 12 tonyg 6 opie 7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Curly Back Hair 49
Crazed Beagles on the Run 33

Curly Back Hair weaved their way to victory #2 for rookie GM Adam. Little Charlie Garner and Oronde put up a pair of 15s - while Stephen Davis checked in with a dozen. Wally denied his squad any hope of winning by going TE-less and PK-less. Tim Hardaway and Vin Baker suited up at TE and PK respectively. Just as there was little luster in their "Dream Team" gold medals... they failed to point against the Back Hair - wasting a nice 1.5 dozen effort from Marvcus Robinson.

b'lein 0 sdavis 12 garner 15 oronde 15 jefferson 0 mitchell 0 mare 7
peyton 6 dunn 0 kfaulk 3 marcus 18 freeman 6 Tim X Vin X
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Heirs to the Ayatollah 70
The Everyday Tokers 35

The experts do not think that even the NFL's Rams could beat Ali's HTTA! Ali's band of terrorists strike fear into the hearts of all other RFL GMs. Perhaps only Cals (Week 7) and Tim (Week 8) stand in HTTA's way regarding matching Shula's Dolphins as the only 2 perfect season RFL/NFL squads. Richard's Randy Moss finally had his 1st monster game of 2000, but the lack of support from the other TET offensive "players" meant a 35-point loss. Bubba finally notched his first career pts. ShaReefer Abdur-Rahim blocked for Enis. Marshall blackjacked for Ali. Daunte, Robert, Jerry and Frank combined for 45 more. JoePa is next in line for Ali's whoopin' stick.
Scrub Loss for Richard (0-1) - a tough break as rookie GM Richard deserved his 1st win.

c'pepper 9 mfaulk 21 rsmith 15 rice 9 green 0 wycheck 12 delgreco 4
brunell 0 enis 0 ShaReefer X moss 27 keyshawn 0 bubba 3 gramatica 5
----------------------------------------------------------------------
All Jacked Up 38
Carpet Bombers 36

All Tim needed on Monday night was a TD or 100 yards from Ricky Watters. Late in the 4th quarter, ABC showed a graphic that had Ricky at 102 yds, but the espn.com boxscore had him at 97. It looked like a controversy was at hand! But alas, the ABC commentators later corrected themselves - and took the 5 yards away from the washed up Irish RB. Victory belonged to Clark's All Jacked Up! Griese, Eddie and Warner all had standout games. AJU TE Freddie single-handedly outscored all 4 WRs! Detroit native Steve Smith was the surprise guest at TE for Carpet Bombers.
Scrub Loss for Tim (0-2)

greasy 10 tiki 3 egeorge 15 hayes 0 pickens 0 fjones 3 anderson 7
warner 18 watters 3 lsmith 9 jsmith 0 herman 0 Steve X l'well 6
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Nasty Pimps 33
Fire in the Hole 45

Wang's Fire in the Hole jumped out to a 45-12 Sunday morning lead and held on as Pimps Favre and Alstott mounted the afternoon comeback charge. Brett and Mike combined for a "21" but were 12 short. The WIR Editor hates to acknowledge PK performances, but FITH kicker Wilkins was the beneficiary of the Rams-Bolts track meet on this day. Emmitt and JStewart continue to perform below GM Wang's (misguided) expectations. Shiv got 0 from the PK slot for the 2nd straight week - as DeLisha Milton handled the chore this week. Wang's 12-game winning streak should end next week against Brodz.

favre 12 alstott 9 priest 3 hakim 6 muhsin 3 roland 0 DeLisha X
rob 3 emmitt 12 stewart 6 mathis 0 mcknight 0 sharpe 3 wilkins 21
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TheArmchairQBAdventurePlayset(tm) 54
Na Brown's Boys 29

Stan vs. Joebob... one of those rivalries rich in past tradition, but having fallen on hard times of late (like the Steelers-Oilers/Titans?). Well... the 54 point outburst by Stan's The Armchair Quarterback Adventure Playset (tm) might mirror this week's surprise Steeler pounding of the Jaguars. Ironically it was Steeler Bettis who hauled the load for Joebob's Chris T. Jones' BrownBoys this week. But The Bus was done in by the disappearing acts of Cris and Wesley. McNair, Keenan and Akers put up the triple 12s that were all the points Stan would need. Rod continued his studly season-long performance for the Playsets.

mcnair 12 linton 3 jallen 3 rod 9 keenan 12 chad 3 akers 12
king 3 levens 3 bettis 15 cris 0 ed 5 walls 0 nedney 3
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Minnesota Nice 16
Fresh Squeezed 71

The Juice is loose! Cals' Fresh Squeezed put up the 2nd highest point total of the season (Brodz had 72 in Week 2) - in a 55 point thrashing of his bro-in-law's MN Nice. All 7 starters scored for Cals - as IBruce led the way with 21. Cade, Timmy B and Matt chipped in a dozen each. Obafemi Ayanbadejo combined with Jamal Lewis to give Kevin 2 Raven RBs against the Brownies, but the strategy misfired as the Browns held the former Brownies without a TD. Darrell Jackson's Monday night comeback fell 49 yards (and 9 TDs) short.

jake 3 jamall 3 obafemi 0 sanders 0 jackson 3 alex'der 0 carney 7
mcnown 12 jamala 3 biaka 12 isaac 21 crowell 9 jackie 2 stover 12
----------------------------------------------------------------------

NFL.com GAMEBOOKS are back:

A broad smile grew across the League Statistician's face last week as GAMEBOOKS reappeared on the nfl.com site (they have since also appeared on espn.com). The League Statistician was able to confirm last week that JJ Stokes did indeed play against Dallas (since his lack of joining in the "fun" against the weak Dallas D led to not appearing in any boxscore) - so that Stokes could properly be credited with a "0" for %$!@#& (instead of giving a "0" to Qadry Ismail).

As long as the GAMEBOOKS stay, we can all forget the "GM must prove that a player did not play" stuff from earlier this season.

Thursday Games:

There will be 3 weeks with Thursday games this year (Weeks 8, 13 and 14). Interestingly enough... the DETROIleT LIedOwNS will be featured on all 3 Thursdays. RFL GMs will be required to freeze depth chart positions before kickoff on Thursday for any position involved in the Thursday game.

For example... Fire in the Hole currently employs Lion RB James Stewart. So for each Thursday, GM Wang *must* fix his RB depth (including RBs playing over the weekend - Emmitt, Chancey, Bryson, ...) before kickoff of the Lions game. GM Wang can wait to set his QB, WR, TE and PK depth prior to the weekend's games.

If Wang were to fail to submit a new depth chart order for his RBs prior to Thursday's kickoff, FITH's most recent RB depth chart order would be "frozen" and used.

*************************************************
RFL GM Profiles: Kevin Archibald, GM, Minnesota Nice
*************************************************

Kevin Archibald burst onto the RFL scene in 1996, shortly after becoming engaged to then-commissioner Pat Callery's sister Anne. Shortly after his introduction to RFL, Kevin was successfully absorbed into the Callery Way and soon began his religious devotion to the Minnesota Vikings. After a one-year layoff in 1998, Kevin returned to the League last year with newfound enthusiasm and a different outlook. Despite making the playoffs in 2 of his 3 seasons, he still has yet to coach a team to a winning record. RFL Interviews attempts to break through some of the mystery surrounding this enigmatic GM.

RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Kevin, you were introduced to the league in 1996 as the commissioner's (future) brother-in-law. Was your franchise awarded through blatant nepotism, or do you feel your record over the years has justified your elite status as a veteran RFL GM?

Kevin Archibald: Actually, humanity is one big family, Cals. The commissioner was only reaching out to one member who was lost and had not found the great game of football. Although it is my third RFL season, I am still a humble student of the game. I think my QB and WR draft picks prove that.

RFL: What were your first impressions of the League? A well-organized, superbly run sports machine? Or a chaotic, dictatorial torture chamber inhabited by raving lunatics abusing their workplace email resources?

KA: My first impression was that, to my surprise, the RFL was a boys' club disguised as a fantasy football league. Out to win, I immediately ran up against the dibs rule. Parity was not only encouraged but enforced! I was urged to leave if I didn't want to play fair. Luckily, an internal coup occurred soon after, and we now have a true fantasy football league of Survivor-loving men run by a benign dictator, who seems to allow shady but ingenious GM practices - like purposely leaving empty draft slots to get around the dibs rule. My kind of commish!

RFL: Yes, the corruptable kind. I must say though, you certainly impressed your RFL brethren early on with your thorough analyses of player performance and a scientific approach to roster management. But since you returned in 1999 from your one-year hiatus, your once authoritative voice has not been heard on the email circuits, and rumors have sprung up about special relationships with former Vikings WR Jake Reed. What has happened to change your approach to RFL?

KA: I blame it on the Pace "Minnesota mild" Picante sauce I've been forced to eat at all Callery gatherings and the overindulgence of booth food at the MN state fair, which I attended on draft day. But, back on my normal diet of extra hot Asian food, I'm recovering fast. Witness three straight wins and the toughest D in the League! I'm back, bay-beee! Furthermore, I have intelligently contributed to the League rule change debates. I'm practicing quality, not quantity. As for Reed, all I'll say is that I'm a happily married man.

RFL: Nasty how those rumors tend to spring up! Now Kevin, your former employer, Tandem, was acquired some time ago by the soulless computer giant Compaq. Please contrast management styles between the two companies, and how it affected employee morale.

KA: Tandem made a name for itself as the #1 maker of the most reliable, fault-tolerant computers -- Tandem NonStop Himalayas -- that handle 80% of the world's financial transactions. Since Tandem NonStop became Compaq NonStop, my advice to all is this: Empty your bank accounts, sell your shares, cash out your 401Ks, and buy gold, or at least hide your money under your mattress.

RFL: I see, we're talking pure employee and shareholder disgruntlement in the wake of a bungled major management change. Would you say this is a fitting analogy to the recent change in command at RFL headquarters?

KA: Quite the contrary, RFL stock is on the rise. There is now a RFL waiting list as long as for Green Bay Packer season tickets. Point production is on the rise. The WIR is now the most anticipated and widely read piece of weekly journalism, beating out Reality TV Guide. Wang's rapid fire wit makes Dennis Miller look like Dubya on the campaign trail, cha-cha.
(http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/92q2/bushquote.html)

RFL: Well, if you think today's WIRs are good, perhaps you need to check out the WIR archives! I understand one of your new football philosophies involves vegetarianism. Explain how your vegan lifestyle plays into the day-by-day management of Minnesota Nice. Are your players screaming for fresh meat?

KA: My vegan lifestyle is a personal sacrifice I am making for the team. Everyone knows management is a stressful, heartattack-prone position. I'm doing my part to keep my fat and cholesterol levels low, in order to be around longterm for my team. I don't expect my players to make that same sacrifice.

RFL: Who do you think has the best shot at the Steamroller trophy this year?

KA: I have to go with Heirs: a solid Minnesota foundation, with Daunte, Smith and Moe. It's no surprise his team leads the league in points per game!

RFL: Do you have any other nice things to say about Minnesota?

KA: Minnesota is a place where the women are strong, the men are good looking and all the children are above average. And, oh yeah, Minnesota's governor can kick any other state's governor's ass!

RFL: Got that right. Thanks for your time, and sorry about the drubbing your team took this weekend at the hands of a vastly superior ballclub.

This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR.
********************************************************
SEASON POINTS LEADERS
*********************
QB
72 Kurt Warner (Carpet Bombers)
45 Peyton Manning (Crazed Beagles on the Run)
42 Daunte Culpepper (Heirs to the Ayatollah)

RB
87 Marshall Faulk (Heirs to the Ayatollah)
62 Edgerrin James (%$!@#&)
54 Charlie Garner (Curly Back Hair)
51 Stephen Davis (Curly Back Hair)
45 Curtis Martin (Minnesota Nice)
45 Mike Alstott (Nasty Pimps)

WR
60 Jimmy Smith (Carpet Bombers)
57 Isaac Bruce (Fresh Squeezed)
45 Rod Smith (TheArmchairQBAdventurePlayset(tm))
42 Torry Holt (Black Ops)
41 Terrell Owens (Nasty Pimps)
39 Marcus Robinson (Crazed Beagles on the Run)
39 Randy Moss (The Everyday Tokers)

TE
21 Frank Wycheck (Heirs to the Ayatollah)
21 Shannon Sharpe (Fire in the Hole)
20 Jackie Harris (Fresh Squeezed)

PK
61 Jeff Wilkins (Fire in the Hole)
48 Matt Stover (Fresh Squeezed)
39 Ryan Longwell (Carpet Bombers)

be sure to check:
The RFL Season Point Leaders page
...for an expanded list of scoring leaders.

Clark	Advantage	Kevin
BGreasy		DBledsoe
EGeorge		CMartin
TBarber		RWilliams
PWarrick		DJackson
DMason		FSanders
FJones		SAlexander
GAnderson		JCarney

There are currently only 7 teams with winning records through 5 weeks. The winner of this contest will have a comfortable perch in the playoff penthouse. The loser will drop to .500 and will be in a dogfight all season long for a spot in the postseason. Clark's All Jacked Up has won 3 of their last 4 - including a hard-fought victory over Carpet Bombers this past week. Kevin's Minnesota Nice had won 3 in a row before getting drubbed by Fresh Squeezed this past week.
The starting player matchups are virtually even at every position. Clark would appear to have a slight edge in Freddie over Stephen. GAnderson will be facing the Bucs in TB on Monday night while Cahney is in SD against the Broncs - so the PK matchup might be closer to even.
Clark was clobbered by Cals 64-30 in Week 4's GOTW, but look for that spotlight experience to aid them this week.

**** Who's Jackin' Whom?: All Jacked Up by 1 ****

©1999-2000 RFL Inc.
All rights reserved.

Revised: October 3, 2000