Revoltingly Funny Lads - Week 15 - December 16, 2003 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** SO LONG, FAREWELL, ASHTON From Justin to Beyonce, Punk'd candidly caught countless prank-ees on camera. And most of the pranks were pretty damn funny (the one with Nick Lachey - very funny; the one with Pink - brilliant; the one with Katie Holmes - tremendous; the one with Britney Spears - so painfully annoying). But as Ashton so astutely noted... the time was right for a graceful exit. The one with Beyonce was pretty cool; the botched one with Goldberg signaled the end. NO NEW AGLIONE BOWL WINNER THIS YEAR After 8 straight years of having a GM win his first Ags Bowl, this year's 4 semifinalists have all already won one. Zach won Ags Bowl XIII last season. Wang won Ags Bowl X following the 1999 season. Brodz won Ags Bowl III. And Cals won Aglione Bowls II, IV and V. RIDERS OF THE PINE These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: 17 B Volek (West Coast Offense) 17 B Westbrook (Manchester United) 14 T Jones (Dirty Sanchez) 15 R Ferguson (Spankin It...) 12 D Driver (The Axis of Evil) 0 A Becht (Spunk Monkeys) 9 O Mare (samurai penguins) 84 points... 16-0 this week, 226-11-3 through 15 weeks. PUNK'D Highest scoring team: Spunk Monkeys - 51.9 ppg Lowest scoring team: Wet Noodles - 37.7 ppg Toughest defense: Spunk Monkeys - 38.3 ppg Softest defense: Chocolate Love - 49.4 ppg League scoring average: 44.8 ppg (up from 44.5 thru last week; last year 47.6) Now on to WIR #15! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Beavis and Butthead Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK The Axis of Evil 8 6 1 4 623 696 W1 Chocolate Love 7 8 0 5.5 717 741 W2 Angry Starfish 7 8 0 5.5 639 692 W2 The Hustlers 5 9 1 7 716 695 W2 Tom Green Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 12 2 1 - 779 575 W4 Big Brown Boys 9 5 1 3 671 616 L1 BoyzInTheChineseHood 9 6 0 3.5 749 613 W6 West Coast Offense 6 8 1 6 684 686 L2 Jackass Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Dirty Sanchez 8 7 0 4.5 684 695 L4 Manchester United 8 7 0 4.5 663 660 L2 Wet Noodles 5 9 1 7 566 688 L2 The Belching Brides 4 9 2 7.5 608 707 L2 Wildboyz Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Love Touch 9 5 1 3 719 643 W2 Midget Tossers 6 8 1 6 670 692 L1 samurai penguins 6 9 0 6.5 640 675 L4 Spankin It... 5 8 2 6.5 627 681 W1 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 15 IN REVIEW ***************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** #7 The Axis of Evil 46 (8-6-1) #2 Big Brown Boys 39 (9-5-1) pregame spread: TAoE by 1 previous encounter: BBB won 34-31 in Week 6 Many Big Brown Boy followers phoned and emailed in berating the oddsmakers for disrespecting their club by making Brodz the favorite in this quarterfinal matchup. The oddsmakers countered by telling Shiv's fans to put their RFL bucks where their foul mouths were - and Vegas cleaned up yet again. Vegas said Manning would outduel Vick, and boy did Vick look silly against IND. Vegas was also correct in projecting that Shaun would outrun Fred - and that McCareins would outpoint Brodz' #2 WR. But in the end, the game came down to Big Brown Boys' PK needing 18 pts on Monday Night to beat The Axis of Evil. The key play would come quite early in this game for Shiv. And that was the 3rd play of the Iggles' 1st drive. When Westbrook ran it in from 20+ yds out on 2nd and long, PHI started scoring too many TDs - and not enough FGs. PHI ended the game with 6 scoring drives. Had they all been FGs, Shiv would have pulled off a miraculous come-from-behind win. Instead... League Elder Brodz marches on to the next round. The oddsmakers thought Brodz would need a decent game from his WRs. D Driver and B Shaw did indeed play well, but Brodz started J Walker and B Engram instead. But thanks to the strong Tony Dorsett from Peyton and S Alexander, Brodz would not need those WR points this week. Brodz hopefully bottled 'em up and is saving them for his game against archrival Cals in the semis. peyton 20 shauna 13 shipp 5 engram 0 javon 1 ksasser 1 stover 6 vick 1 fredt 4 h'brick 11 mccar'ns 8 ssmith 5 alge 0 akers 10 -------------------------------------------- #1 Spunk Monkeys 61 (12-2-1) #8 Midget Tossers 35 (6-8-1) pregame spread: SM by 2 previous encounter: Tied 26-26 in Week 11 Zach don't need no stinkin' QB. Zach don't need no stinkin' TE. Zach didn't even need to sub in TJ Duckett for the gimpy M Bennett! The oddsmakers actually thought Zach might go down hard due to the injuries to McNair and Bennett. Drew had put up some solid numbers the last few weeks and seemed primed to upset the Steamroller champ - and defending Ags Bowl champ. But all Spunk Monkeys would need on this Sunday were the 36 pts from Priest and D Jackson. Zach avenged the Week 11 tie by puttin' it on Drew's ass in this playoff matchup of roommates and sophomore GMs. Drew's starting RBs (both among the top 8 RBs in the League) were shutdown by Zach's top-ranked D. And of course the Midget Tossers' WRs were held quite in check. Commish Wang tried his best to help Drew out in this one. By having Mike bring Drew and Zach to Rawlings Sunday morning under the pretense of watching the games together over brunch... Wang attempted to "punk" Zach into not being able to make a last-minute change at QB. But Mike slept through his wake-up call and did not pick Zach and Drew up until after it was announced that McNair was not going to start. But Zach feared not taking Drew on sans QB. And now Wang must face Zach's wrath in the semis. Remember Drew, 2nd and goal from the 1 = play action - and 3rd and goal from the 1 = QB sneak. air 0 priest 25 tjduck 10 dmason 8 djax 11 teyo 0 edinger 7 kitna 9 thenry 5 jamall 7 moulds 2 muhsin 0 imili 4 josh 8 -------------------------------------------- #3 Love Touch 67 (9-5-1) #6 Dirty Sanchez 55 (8-7) pregame spread: LT by 11 previous encounter: LT won 72-45 in Week 14 Everyone suspected that Vesh didn't quite go all out against Cals in Week 14. Everyone suspected that Vesh was holding back his best shot for this rematch in Week 15. Vesh did indeed give Cals a better run for his RFL bucks this week, but Cals was still able to cover the double-digit pointspread. The big surprise was that Culpepper-Moss inflicted minimal damage against CHI. Love Touch benefited from a whopping 49 pts from their 2nd tier RBs, their punt-return specialist and a backup TE. Perhaps Cals was the one who was being tricky in Week 14! Dirty Sanchez faded badly down the stretch of the regular season - dropping all the way from 2nd to 6th. But to Vesh's credit, he was able to get his squad to flip the switch in the playoffs. Ahman and Curtis ran Love Touch ragged all day long, but Vesh was done in by his anemic passing game - and by a porous D. Vesh allowed Cals to score 69.5 pts over the last 2 weeks - when Cals averaged a mere 37.5 ppg in weeks 12 and 13. If Brett Favre were Vesh, he would've started T Streets and/or Troy Brown over Northcutt and/or Kennison - leading to a COVER for Dirty Sanchez! c'pep 7 atrain 10 kevan 20 warrick 9 rmoss 11 graham 10 hall 0 bj 4 ahman 16 martian 13 n'cutt 6 ek'son 2 sharpe 5 v'teri 9 -------------------------------------------- #5 Manchester United 32 (8-7) #4 Boyz In Th Chin Hood 61 (9-6) pregame spread: MU by 8 previous encounter: MU won 37-31 in Week 6 Wang has the 2nd highest scoring team in the League, and we quite honestly can't tell you how he's done it. Ignoring A Brooks' big game this week, BITCH's QB platoon of Brooks and T Maddox probably would be passed up by nearly every other team. Wang's 1st 2 picks (M Faulk and S Davis) have combined for 9 FEWER pts than Priest! Wang's woeful WR situation has been well-chronicled in this space. T Heap, though immensely talented, has been contained thanks to PI clutching-and-grabbing, TDs overturned (incorrectly) via challenges, and mediocre QBs. The only real star on BITCH is the PK - vultured from Richard when Richard dropped him during STL's bye week. Clark averaged 58.3 ppg over weeks 11-13, but the bad omen was scoring a meager 33 in Week 14's GOTW. That loss to Mike dropped Clark to 5th - and setup this quarterfinal matchup with BITCH. Manchester United was expected to get better production from quite a few of their starters - namely Bulger, Edgerrin, H Ward, Marvcus and Boo. Bulger only completing 2 TD passes against SEA was quite shocking. Edgerrin failing to score at least 1 TD on ATL was even more shocking. Hines failing to score on the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS was downright shameful. Marvcus losing all his touches to Heap did double damage to Clark. And Boo not getting any red zone looks from Brooks was nearly as damaging. bulge 10 edge 7 moe 3 hiney 4 mrobinson 0 boo 2 dbrien 6 brooks 20 mfaulk 11 sdavis 4 chmbrs 5 price 1 heap 11 wilkins 9 -------------------------------------------- #16 The Hustlers 66 (5-9-1) #9 West Coast Offense 58 (6-8-1) pregame spread: TH by 6 previous encounter: WCO won 51-31 in Week 12 This was the classic "Vegas trap game". The betting public sees a 16th seed favored over a 9th seed, and they put $ on the higher-ranked dog like a pack of Pavlovian dogs. But what that betting public didn't know was that the rookie GM Tarang would make the critical call in picking up Onterrio - and starting him over T Glenn. And the betting public didn't know that RFL vet Gary would make the crucial mistake of leaving his magic Flute in at QB - while B Volek piled up huge amounts of pts on the West Coast Offense bench. The Hustlers continued to ride a hot Portis (29.3 ppg over the last 3 weeks) - and is now showing (albeit a little late) precisely why Foge had them pegged as the top team in RFL. J Garcia is the other really hot Hustler. Gary got an amazing game from J Horn. The Sunday Nitro announcing crew explained that Horn and A Brooks had made up following last week's loss - and then the newly harmonious duo went Culpepper-Moss-like on the Gints. We don't believe an RFL team has ever had a player score as many as 31 in a losing effort. garcia 21 portis 20 osmiff 8 jsmiff 4 keenan 3 mricks 1 cahney 9 flute 0 deuce 7 jmorton 2 isaac 8 horn 31 fjones 2 kasay 8 -------------------------------------------- #10 Chocolate Love 43 (7-8) #15 The Belching Brides 40 (4-9-2) pregame spread: CL by 16 previous encounter: CL won 55-35 in Week 10 Joebob, being the consummate professional that he is, isn't sulking about being left out of the A-list postseason party. He understands that scrub bowl tournament results count towards his lifetime win total, so he has Chocolate Love aiming for a winning season - and some scrub bowl hardware for his mantle. Joebob needed a little Monday Night magic to pull this one out - trailing 40-31 with R Williams yet to play. Rumors are that Stan put a bounty on Ricky's dreadlocks, and Brian Dawkins tried repeatedly to collect. Dawkins nearly knocked Ricky out of the game in the 1st half, but Ricky was able to bounce back and hit for the pointage he needed to win this one for his beloved mentor Joebob. The oddsmakers expected no more than 40 from The Belching Brides, and Stan's charges hit that number on the nose. Kerry finally had to give way as Stan's QB. It looks like Kerry will end the season with 4 good games (a 13 and 3 14s). R Anderson stepped up nicely when handed C Garner's spot in the lineup. Sadly, had Stan kept I Mili in his lineup, he would have beaten Joebob. green 15 rickyw 12 booker 2 amani 1 anquan 4 declark 1 v'jagt 8 wright 6 tiki 3 richiea 9 deionb 0 chadj 11 booba 0 graham 11 -------------------------------------------- #11 samurai penguins 31 (6-9) #14 Spankin It... 49 (5-8-2) pregame spread: sp by 5 previous encounter: sp won 59-35 in Week 6 Despite JoePa's loss of his starting RBs (W Green and C Dillon), we still didn't suspect samurai penguins would suffer this much of a dropoff. JoePa, in fact, went 5-2 while Dillon was hurt. But with C Dillon back in the lineup the past 3 weeks, the penguins have still run up 4 straight losses. With his 1 pt this week, Dillon has grabbed sole possession of 36th overall among RFL RBs (19 pts in 7 starts - now 1 pt ahead of S Mack!). Since scoring 25 pts in Week 9, S Moss has scored fewer pts in each successive week. Talk of Santana replacing Randy as THE Moss was quite premature. Spankin It... continues to ignore its running game. Don Vito got the start for Richard this week. But instead of picking up blitzes, all he did was mumble gibberish and require frequent sit-downs to support his Jabba-like physique. But Spankin It... don't need no stinkin' running game - as TO and TonyG towered over the penguin D. Laveranues and Joey exchanged goose-eggs in the DAL-WA game - not quite being clear on the concept of teammates letting each other score. brady 10 tyrone 2 dillon 1 tholt 11 smoss 2 mcmike 5 jreed 0 mcnabb 10 donvito X joeyg 0 TO 13 coles 0 tonyg 17 mort 9 -------------------------------------------- #12 Angry Starfish 63 (7-8) #13 Wet Noodles 45 (5-9-1) pregame spread: AS by 9 previous encounter: WN won 39-36 in Week 13 Brunching at Rawlings was the lucky charm for Mike (and Zach and Wang) this weekend - as the brunch buffet karma kicked in for Mike to get a season-high combined 40 from Boo Favre and LaDainian. Things weren't looking good for Angry Starfish as Quincy and M Harrison were putting up big points for Ali's (via Tarang) Wet Noodles - while Plaxico and Boo Miller were getting contained and stopped respectively. But something magical happened during halftime of the afternoon games... Quincy and Rod Smiff turned into pumpkins for Tarang - while Boo Favre and LaDainian turned into bullet trains for Mike. Angry Starfish avenged their Week 13 loss to Ali/Tarang - and will continue their march towards finishing above .500. With Tarang unable to call up free agents to overhaul Ali's junkyard of pigskin players, Wet Noodles might not be able to avoid finishing in last place overall. favre 17 LT 23 atwain 8 plaxico 1 ttaylor 3 miller 0 elam 11 qdog 12 egeorge 4 conway 0 marvinh 18 rods 2 pollard 1 l'well 8 -------------------------------------------- WANG'S WEEKLY WARBLE ====== ====== ====== New cell # for #2: (408) GAP-BUFF Also... the WIR Editing Staff will be flying to/from the Deep South on the 23rd and 30th, so expect an impact on WIRs 16 (shortened version released on the 23rd) and 17 (perhaps delayed until the 31st or 1st). ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: ************************************************* RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Sorry, really busy with *real* work this week. This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 158 D Culpepper (Love Touch) 158 P Manning (The Axis of Evil) 152 S McNair (Spunk Monkeys) RB 231 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 204 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 188 C Portis (The Hustlers) 187 L Tomlinson (Angry Starfish) 167 J Lewis (Midget Tossers) 152 S Alexander (The Axis of Evil) WR 164 R Moss (Love Touch) 148 T Holt (samurai penguins) 123 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) 121 M Harrison (Wet Noodles) 112 T Owens (Spankin It...) 111 D Jackson (Spunk Monkeys) TE 92 T Gonzalez (Spankin It...) 85 S Sharpe (Dirty Sanchez) 59 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 146 J Wilkins (Boyz In The Chin Hood) 144 M Vanderjagt (Chocolate Love) 103 D Akers (Big Brown Boys) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 21 J Garcia (The Hustlers) RB 25 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 23 L Tomlinson (Angry Starfish) WR 31 J Horn (West Coast Offense) 18 M Harrison (Wet Noodles) TE 17 T Gonzalez (Spankin It...) PK 11 S Graham (The Belching Brides) and J Elam (Angry Starfish) ************** Week 15 total: 146... Viva La Bam -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** #3 Love Touch (9-5-1, 47.9) vs. #7 The Axis of Evil (8-6-1, 41.5) Cals Edge Brodz D Culpepper -- P Manning A Thomas -> S Alexander K Barlow -- R Johnson R Moss <- D Driver P Warrick <- B Engram D Graham -- J Kleinsasser J Hall -> M Stover previous encounter: The Axis of Evil won 38-37 in Week 7 Cals vs. Brodz... although Joebob THINKS he's in this elite company, Cals and Brodz are THE two of the "Original Three" who are truly RFL royalty. Only a Cals-Brodz matchup in an Ags Bowl could be more intense. Cals has Culpepper-Moss at home against KC. When Peabo Bryson runs for 100+ yds and a TD against KC (like he did for DET last week), you just might have to think that M Bennett (and O Smiff and Moe Williams) might get more of the gameplan focus this week. A Train should be able to run on visiting WA for Cals. Kevan will get to test PHI's run D, and P Warrick should be involved in a shootout at STL. Graham might sneak in another TD for Love Touch at the Jets. P Manning and S Alexander have been Brodz' leaders all season long. How Manning does this week will depend on what kind of game DEN and IND decide to play in the dome. Let's hope they leave the conservative BS in the locker rooms and open this one up. But if Portis can't go for DEN, the Broncos will certainly try to turn this one into a 20-17 affair. S Alexander will be at home against AZ. AZ shut down S Davis last week, but Shaun should fare much better. TE and PK are pretty much tortoisey for The Axis of Evil, so let's get to the interesting part: the WRs and RB/WR. 1st the WRs: D Driver and J Walker at OAK, B Engram vs. AZ, B Stokley vs. DEN, B Shaw vs. MIA Shaw against MIA should be a no-go - leaving 4 most intriguing possibilities. Stan could probably advise Brodz on Stokley. Engram now knows to watch out for rolling zebras. Could the GB WR balance of power be shifting back to Driver? As for the RBs: M Shipp at SEA and Rudi Johnson at STL Both AZ and CIN will likely be playing from behind, and Rudi still must contend with C Dillon sulking in the shadows. This is why Brodz gets paid the biggest bucks among RFL GMs... he makes the best game-to-game lineup decisions. **** Brodz makes it closer than it rightfully should be, but... LT by 1 **** -------------------------------------------- **** THE **** OTHER **** SEMIFINAL **** #1 Spunk Monkeys (12-2-1, 51.9) vs. #4 Boyz In Th Chin Hood (9-6, 49.9) Zach Edge Wang S McNair <- A Brooks P Holmes <- M Faulk M Bennett -> S Davis D Mason <- C Chambers D Jackson <- R Wayne T Johnson -> T Heap P Edinger -> J Wilkins previous encounter: Spunk Monkeys won 45-37 in Week 4 McNair and D Mason at HOU, Priest and Bennett facing off in the KC at MIN game, D Jackson at home against AZ... Zach could very well be taking aim at Tarang's single-game season-record of 90 pts. Even Zach's PK will be at home against the incredibly underachieving WA D. And there's nothing like saving your TE for the Monday Night game - just in case you need a few points for a come-from-behind semifinal victory. Could Teyo be due for a coming-out party on the national MNF stage? Although... the game will probably be blacked out here in the Bay Area. But the Raiders usually win when Zach listens to them on the radio, so perhaps that's yet another good sign for Spunk Monkeys. Wang not only needs his RBs to keep things close against Priest and Bennett, he needs M Faulk and S Davis to come up with perhaps 10 MORE pts than Priest and Bennett in order to have a shot at winning. With Faulk at home against CIN and with Davis at home against DET, BoyzInTheChineseHood could very well get some solid RB production. But with A Brooks at JAX and T Maddox at home against SD, Wang could very easily end up making the wrong choice at QB. Wang's WRs are in trouble - again. C Chambers is out in the cold against a tough BUF secondary, P Price is at TB, and R Wayne is at home against DEN. Heap will be at CLE, but A Wright is due to go back to Marvcus Robinson this week. Wilkins is at home against CIN. Wang put a HUGE chip on M Bennett's shoulder when the commish found a little too much humor in Zach's picking of the then-injured Bennett in Round 3 of the Draft. M Bennett is due to break a long one (or 2) for a TD - just to put it on Wang's ass. **** Wang's RBs keep it close, Wang's WRs lose it... SM by 8 **** -------------------------------------------- The Consolation Bracket Matchups: Manchester United (8-7, 44.2) by 5 over Midget Tossers (6-8-1, 44.7) Clark is due to bust out for about 60 pts this week. Drew is also capable of hitting 60 this week, but Clark's passing game should beat Drew's running game. Dirty Sanchez (8-7, 45.6) by 4 over Big Brown Boys (9-5-1, 44.7) Vesh's WRs might actually have a shot to outpoint their opponents in this one. Shiv's Vick is at TB (as is Alge), and that matchup has been bad news for ATL in the past. The Scrub Bowl 1st Round Winners: Angry Starfish (7-8, 42.6) by 12 over The Hustlers (5-9-1, 47.7) Boo Favre and LaDainian are carrying the slack for Mike's WRs. We've installed Tarang as the dog assuming Portis won't play. If Portis plays, it's The Hustlers by 2. Chocolate Love (7-8, 47.8) by 9 over Spankin It... (5-8-2, 41.8) With Hustler Portis ailing, Joebob is the distinct favorite to win the Scrub Bowl. Richard's playing a 7-card game with only 6 cards. The Scrub Bowl 1st Round Losers: The Belching Brides (4-9-2, 40.5) by 6 over samurai penguins (6-9, 42.7) Stan is on a 0-6-1 run. Joepa has lost his last 4. We think Stan's RBs will beat Joepa's by 6. West Coast Offense (6-8-1, 45.6) by 3 over Wet Noodles (5-9-1, 37.7) If Gary leaves Flutie in at QB, he could easily lose this one. Ali/Tarang should check in right around 40 pts in this game.