Racketeering Felonious Larceny - Week 12 - November 25, 2003 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** POINT-SHAVING SCANDAL RAVAGES LEAGUE ATF-RB (alcohol tobacco firearms - RFL bucks) fed agents stormed the HQs of Big Brown Boys, The Belching Brides, Love Touch, Angry Starfish, Wet Noodles, Manchester United and West Coast Offense Monday evening with search warrants for evidence that could substantiate claims of point-shaving by these teams this past weekend. Stan Wilson (GM, The Belching Brides) was released first - as benching Tiki against the Bucs was deemed by the DA's office to be not strong enough evidence. "I think this is purely a desperate move by League HQs to find a way to boot some GMs out of the League," stated Stan. "I find this maneuver despicable, but I *do* want only 12 or 14 GMs next year." Gary Eigen (GM, West Coast Offense) was released second. "Benching a dinged Joe Horn behind an awful Johnnie Morton is highly suspicious, but not a prosecutable offense," explained assistant DA Joseph Pynadath. Investigations are ongoing regarding the other "Gang of Five" GMs. IF THE REGULAR SEASON HAD ENDED YESTERDAY... Making the playoffs: #1 seed: Zach, Spunk Monkeys 9-2-1, 587 pts scored #2 seed: Vesh, Dirty Sanchez 8-4, 550 #3 seed: Shiv, Big Brown Boys 7-4-1, 521 #4 seed: Cals, Love Touch 7-5, 538 #5 seed: Clark, Manchester United 7-5, 535 #6 seed: Brodz, The Axis of Evil 6-5-1, 486 #7 seed: Wang, BoyzInTheChineseHood 6-6, 565 #8 seed: Joepa, samurai pengiuns 6-6, 544 Participating in the Scrub Bowl tournament: 9) Gary, West Coast Offense 5-6-1, 547 10) Drew, Midget Tossers 5-6-1, 521 11) Joebob, Chocolate Love 5-7, 563 12) Richard, Spankin It... 4-6-2, 507 13) Mike, Angry Starfish 5-7, 483 14) Stan, The Belching Brides 4-7-1, 503 15) Ali, Wet Noodles 4-7-1, 451 16) Tarang, The Hustlers 3-8-1, 507 But since the regular season did not end yesterday, PLAYOFF PROJECTIONS appear again in the Weekly Warble. RAIDERS ON THE PINE These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: QB 22 M Hasselbeck (Manchester United) RB 11 B Westbrook (Manchester United) RB 10 K Faulk (Wet Noodles), T Canidate (Chocolate Love) WR 20 D Boston (Big Brown Boys) WR 11 P Price (BoyzInTheChineseHood) TE 0 T Johnson (Spunk Monkeys), J Shockey (Midget Tossers) PK 8 R Longwell (Wet Noodles) 82 points... 16-0 this week, 181-8-3 through 12 weeks. GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL Highest scoring team: Spunk Monkeys - 48.9 ppg Lowest scoring team: Wet Noodles - 37.6 ppg Toughest defense: Spunk Monkeys - 37.6 ppg Softest defense: Chocolate Love - 49.6 ppg League scoring average: 43.8 ppg (up from 43.5 thru last week; last year 47.6) Now on to WIR #12! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS San Quentin Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK The Axis of Evil 6 5 1 3 486 563 W2 Chocolate Love 5 7 0 4.5 563 595 W1 Angry Starfish 5 7 0 4.5 483 575 L3 The Hustlers 3 8 1 6 507 534 L3 Riker's Island Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 9 2 1 - 587 451 W1 Big Brown Boys 7 4 1 2 521 509 W1 BoyzInTheChineseHood 6 6 0 3.5 565 495 W3 West Coast Offense 5 6 1 4 547 547 W1 Alcatraz Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Dirty Sanchez 8 4 0 1.5 550 500 L1 Manchester United 7 5 0 2.5 535 482 L1 The Belching Brides 4 7 1 5 503 532 L4 Wet Noodles 4 7 1 5 451 533 L2 Hokey Pokey Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Love Touch 7 5 0 2.5 538 501 L1 samurai penguins 6 6 0 3.5 544 514 L1 Midget Tossers 5 6 1 4 521 527 W1 Spankin It... 4 6 2 4.5 507 550 W2 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 12 IN REVIEW ***************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** Big Brown Boys 54 (7-4-1) The Belching Brides 46 (4-7-1) pregame spread: BBB by 3 The GOTW previewers told Shiv to start D Boston, but he chose to ignore the friendly advice. The GOTW previewers hinted to Stan that he should leave Tiki in the starting lineup, but Stan also chose to ignore that advice. Stan move was easily explained (facing Bucs D) - hence his quick release from custody. Shiv, though, has lots more 'splainin' to do. With Big Brown Boys up 54-42 heading into Monday Night Madness action, Shiv had to root somewhat *against* the QB of his beloved Gints. In 4 previous starts this season, Kerry had indeed scored more than 12 in a game. But against TB, Stan's fading playoff hopes were growing dimmer by the second. And indeed... Amani essentially dropped 2 TD passes that would have gotten The Belching Brides very close to that win they so desperately needed. J McCareins and the PK saved Shiv's ass this week. Chad Johnson came up huge for Stan, but no other non-PK Belching Bride starter scored more than 4. Just as was predicted... G-men lose, Shiv wins. jblake 10 fredt 7 troyh 1 mccareins 16 ssmith 4 alge 1 akers 15 kerry 4 hearst 3 deionb 3 adavis 2 chadj 24 booba 0 graham 10 -------------------------------------------- Love Touch 33 (7-5) Boyz In Th Chin Hood 42 (6-6) pregame spread: LT by 8 Vikings win, Cals loses. Does that make Cals happy, sad or indifferent? Perhaps the huge deposit into Cals' bank account - electronically transferred from Bellagio - answers the previous question. But having *both* Culpepper *AND* Moss tank in the same game - against the Lions?!? Cals has much to learn about being subtle. Especially after communicating his concerns about the pointspread earlier in the week. Cals seemingly *wanted* the feds to watch him closely in this one. If not for TE Graham accidentally falling ass-backward into the endzone once (and the PK kicking a slew of FGs), Cals' directive to "shave like a castaway stranded for 50 years" would have been followed so literally that Love Touch might have been in danger of an "old days" shutout. Wang's WR problems won't go away. The BITCH passing attack is in disarray overall - starting with QB Maddox. R Wayne and C Chambers are consistently unproductive, and P Price finally scored a TD - for Wang's taxi squad. How far can Faulk and Davis carry Wang? c'pep 5 atrain 3 kevan 1 warrick 1 rmoss 3 graham 9 jhall 11 maddox 4 sdavis 9 mfaulk 12 rwayne 2 chmbrs 2 heap 1 wilkins 12 -------------------------------------------- Dirty Sanchez 39 (8-4) The Axis of Evil 53 (6-5-1) pregame spread: DS by 2 Vesh got about as many aerial assault points as one can expect from Dirty Sanchez, so the key for Vesh was his RBs. Ahman didn't have as stellar a game as has become his norm - resulting in a crushing blow to Vesh's Steamroller hopes. When is C Martin going to score another TD?!? Has he even scored 1 all this season?!? Brodz manages yet another win against a favored opponent (when you score as little as Brodz does, virtually every opponent is favored against you). The big guns for The Axis of Evil this week were the WRs and the PK. After piddling around much of the season with D Driver, B Shaw and M Gramatica, Brodz has seemingly come up with a winning trio in B Engram, J Walker and M Stover. It's proof yet again of Brodz' unparalleled GM'ing abilities. And despite Shaun Alexander's poor performance this week, Brodz has already been recognized for his positive influence in turning Shaun into a much more consistently excellent producer this season. bj 8 ahman 9 martian 6 n'cutt 1 kennison 2 sharpe 2 v'teri 11 peyton 6 shauna 4 shipp 5 engram 14 javon 9 dallas 1 stover 14 -------------------------------------------- Chocolate Love 55 (5-7) samurai penguins 48 (6-6) pregame spread: CL by 6 As Joepa and Wang left Rawlings Gille in San Mateo following the Pats' OT win over HOU, Joepa was feeling rightfully happy about his team's performance in the early games. T Brady had had an extra period to pile on some passing yards and S Moss had scored a last-minute, game-winning TD for the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. Tyrone, J Porter and T Holt had also shown promise in the beginnings of their respective afternoon games. Joebob's only morning starter, the PK, had been contained by BUF. But as the afternoon games played themselves out, Joebob cut deeply into Joepa early 19-3 lead. Joepa's Raiders and Ram extended the samurai penguins lead to 42-3, but Joebob's A Boldin hit for 2 dimes. Add in Trent's 7 and Desmond's uno... and all of a sudden Joebob was within 11 at 42-31. When the smoke cleared from Sunday Nitro's action, victory was Joebob's. Joepa's MIA TE and PK only managed 6 - while Joebob's R-Dub poured in 18. Chocolate Love keeps their very faint playoff hopes alive - while Joepa looks to beat TAoE and/or BBB in order to move off the bubble into Large Lambada Land. green 7 rickyw 18 mp'man 4 amani 2 anquan 20 declark 1 v'jagt 3 brady 13 tyrone 10 porter 5 tholt 8 smoss 6 mcmike 0 omare 6 -------------------------------------------- Spunk Monkeys 71 (9-2-1) Angry Starfish 39 (5-7) pregame spread: SM by 10 League HQs is investigating accusations that Mike rolled over for his former roomie Zach in this one - aiming to split the Steamroller RFL bucks. How could Spunk Monkeys go 5 weeks without scoring more than 45 - and then all of a sudden score 71 once Vesh moved within half a game of Zach's Steamroller lead?!? D Jackson scoring 20 on BAL?!? The DET D opening wide to let M Bennett score?!? A Bears PK scoring 13?!? Quite suspicious... Zach and Mike, where were you 2 on the day that JFK was shot in Dallas?!? As for Angry Starfish, this loss to Zach was their 3rd in a row - and putting Mike in clear and present danger of continuing his string of never having made the playoffs. Mike's WRs continue to vex him. For the 4th time in 5 weeks, one of Mike's WRs got shutout. The decision to start A Twain was a most curious one, but Mike's other options didn't fare much better. Zach might be in a bit of a jam if McNair is out for a game or 2, but M Bennett's revival could help mask a dip in QB production. air 7 priest 16 bennett 10 dmason 2 djax 20 becht 3 edinger 13 favre 8 LT 13 atwain 0 plaxico 0 andrej 8 miller 6 elam 4 -------------------------------------------- Midget Tossers 46 (5-6-1) Wet Noodles 34 (4-7-1) pregame spread: MT by 4 Drew is fighting hard to try to spurt his way back into playoff contention. Drew made the nice call of inserting Kitna at QB over incumbent starter Bledsoe. Drew also made the clutch call starting Mushy over A Bryant. Now that BUF has finally started scoring TDs again, perhaps Midget Tossers can ride the Bledsoe-Henry-Moulds gravy train for 2 wins to close out the regular season. Ali? Hello? Are you still with us? I think Ali has dropped off. Do you think he'd notice if we had someone else take over his team? Does anyone have a prospective GM for next season who could use 5 weeks of practice running Wet Noodles for the balance of this year? Leaving M Harrison and M Pollard in the starting lineup last week was clearly a violation of RFL's "try your best each and every week" policy. Ali seemingly lucked into having M Harrison crawl back onto the field (with 1 hammy) this week. Maybe Pollard will return next week - causing us not to know for sure if Ali is still out there or not. Wet Noodles has essentially been eliminated from postseason consideration. kitna 16 thenry 5 jamall 8 moulds 2 muhsin 3 k'sasser 1 josh 11 ramses 0 egeorge 12 conway 1 marvinh 2 rods 11 pollard 0 garya 8 -------------------------------------------- Manchester United 53 (7-5) Spankin It... 60 (4-6-2) pregame spread: MU by 1 When Clark left Rawlings Grille on Sunday just before the Raiders-Chiefs kicked off, he had to feel relatively happy about the morning goings on. Boo Williams had been inserted into the starting lineup at the last minute and had scored 12. The Man U PK had kicked a pair of FGs, and Edgerrin had scored a pair of TDs. Tempering Clark's happiness was the poor output from Moe, Hines and Kelly. Clark had mistakenly started Kelly over Koren, and benched RB B Westbrook ended up being a better choice to start over Moe. Richard's team added quite a bit to Clark's uneasiness. McNabb had played well in his morning game, TO had caught a TD, and the most unpleasant happening of all... Clark had dropped Joey earlier in the week to pickup Kelly Campbell. Not only did Kelly take up a starting spot while only supplying 1 pt for Clark... Richard vultured Joey, put Joey into his own starting lineup, and then had his beloved Cowboy WR score a TD against Clark! Just before Clark left Rawlings Grille, Clark correctly predicted that he needed Laveranues stopped. As Sunday Nitro action kicked off, Clark had a 53-51 lead. When WA QB Ramsey went down early in the game, things looked bright for Man U. But then the *other* Hasselbeck hit Coles for a TD - giving Spankin It... the Sunday Nitro, come-from-behind dubya... precisely the "barn-burner" predicted by the oddsmakers. bulge 10 edge 20 moe 3 hiney 0 kellyc 1 boo 12 dbrien 7 mcnabb 11 dunn 13 joeyg 8 TO 8 coles 9 tonyg 2 mort 9 -------------------------------------------- West Coast Offense 51 (5-6-1) The Hustlers 31 (3-8-1) pregame spread: WCO by 5 Gary bounced back from his 3-game slide with a solid win over an overmatched Tarang. Deuce got loose repeatedly - posting a double duzzle on The Hustlers. I Bruce also responded to his benching last week by scoring his first TD in quite some time. Of course with Keyshawn finally getting "inactivated" (as Al Michaels repeatedly drove his point home) by Chucky Eigen (Gary's last name), and with J Horn hurting... there was no better WR option to run in the West Coast Offense than Isaac. Tarang had two-thirds of his JGarcia-CPortis-JSmith trio back in action, but Greasy was woefully inadequate in Garcia's stead. Portis also somehow managed to avoid hitting paydirt against CHI! Add in a subpar performance from Jimmy, and the rookie has been eliminated from playoff contention. The curse of Foge Fazio claims yet another victim - as Foge predicted a run at a Steamroller for Tarang. The post-mortem for The Hustlers reveals 3 primary blows: 1) J Garcia's inability to stay healthy, 2) M Vick's injury (killed production of 2 of Tarang's projected stars - P Price and J Feely), and 3) J Stewart's season-ending injury. kellyh 4 deuce 24 ddavis 4 isaac 11 morton 0 freddie 0 kasay 8 greasy 5 portis 10 jjax 7 jsmits 3 keenan 4 fauria 0 cahney 2 -------------------------------------------- WANG'S WEEKLY WARBLE ====== ====== ====== PLAYOFF PROJECTIONS 1) Zach, Spunk Monkeys 11-2-1, 48.9ppg Challenged by Joebob this week, prohibitive fave over Brodz next 2) Vesh, Dirty Sanchez 10-4, 45.8 2 Vesh wins and 2 Zach losses equals a 2nd Steamroller for Vesh 3) Clark, Manchester United 9-5, 44.6 Closes against Drew and Mike - 2-0 projected, decent RFL bucks prize 4) Wang, BoyzInTheChineseHood 8-6, 47.1 Statistical edge over Tarang, very slim ppg edge over Gary 5) Joepa, samurai penguins 8-6, 45.3 Expected to beat Brodz and Shiv to close out reg season 6) Cals, Love Touch 8-6, 44.8 Win over Stan should be a lock, tough matchups with Vesh 7) Shiv, Big Brown Boys 7-6-1, 43.4 Losses to Vesh and Joepa expected to close out reg season 8) Gary, West Coast Offense 6-7-1, 45.6 1-1 finish (against Richard, Wang) and decent scoring should seal the deal 9) Drew, Midget Tossers 6-7-1, 43.4 Needs 2-0 finish (against Clark, Richard) or 1-1 and gobs of points 10) Brodz, The Axis of Evil 6-7-1, 40.5 Expected to finish 0-2 (against Joepa, Zach), needs at least a tie 11) Joebob, Chocolate Love 6-8, 46.9 1-0-1 finish (against Zach, Ali) could be good enough - as long as total pts are there 12) Mike, Angry Starfish 6-8, 40.3 Needs a win over Ali, an upset over Clark, and maybe some big points 13) Richard, Spankin It... 4-8-2, 42.3 Needs to go 2-0, and the lineup has gelled at the right time 14) Tarang, The Hustlers 4-9-1, 42.3 No hope 15) Stan, The Belching Brides 4-9-1, 41.9 Needs to go 2-0 (and score 140) when 0-2 is projected 16) Ali, Wet Noodles 4-9-1, 37.6 Needs to go 2-0 (and score about 190)... not bloody likely ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: ************************************************* RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Sorry, really busy with *real* work this week. This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 124 D Culpepper (Love Touch) 122 S McNair (Spunk Monkeys) 116 P Manning (The Axis of Evil) RB 174 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 169 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 126 L Tomlinson (Angry Starfish) 126 D McAllister (West Coast Offense) 122 J Lewis (Midget Tossers) 117 S Alexander (The Axis of Evil) WR 130 T Holt (samurai penguins) 119 R Moss (Love Touch) 100 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) 91 K McCardell (The Hustlers) 88 S Moss (samurai penguins) 87 H Ward (Manchester United) TE 69 S Sharpe (Dirty Sanchez) 58 T Gonzalez (Spankin It...) 46 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 111 J Wilkins (Boyz In The Chin Hood) 109 M Vanderjagt (Chocolate Love) 81 A Vinatieri (Dirty Sanchez) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 16 J Kitna (Midget Tossers) RB 24 D McAllister (West Coast Offense) 20 E James (Manchester United) WR 24 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) 20 A Boldin (Chocolate Love) and D Jackson (Spunk Monkeys) TE 12 B Williams (Manchester United) PK 15 D Akers (Big Brown Boys) ************** Week 12 total: 131... Escape from New York -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** samurai penguins (6-6, 45.3) vs. The Axis of Evil (6-5-1, 40.5) JoePa Edge Brodz T Brady -> P Manning T Wheatley >> S Alexander J Porter -- M Shipp T Holt << J Walker S Moss <- B Engram R McMichael -- Da Clark O Mare -- M Stover Both Joepa and Brodz are currently on the right side of the postseason bubble. The loser of this game will have to sweat out their regular season closer. The winner should virtually clinch a playoff spot. As long as M Harrison can go, Brodz' Manning should be able to outpoint T Brady. The Axis of Evil should also have a sizable edge at RB and RB/WR. Shipp is due for a TD - as long as Emmitt doesn't steal it from him. samurai penguins counter with huge advantages at the WR slots. T Holt is on pace for a record-breaking WR season, and S Moss is scoring TDs at a nice pace. Javon and B Engram are due for containment this week. Will Joepa's Raiders be able to keep things close against Shaun and Marcel? Will Brodz be able to squeeze out just enough pts for yet another shocking win? *** Brodz is squeezing hard... The Axis of Evil by 5 *** -------------------------------------------- Other Tilts: Boyz In Th Chin Hood (6-6, 47.1) by 4 over The Hustlers (3-8-1, 42.3) Acquiring P Price was supposed to fix Wang's WR problems - it hasn't. Acquiring L Betts was supposed to shore up Tarang's RB situation - it hasn't. Love Touch (7-5, 44.8) by 11 over The Belching Brides (4-7-1, 41.9) Cals gets back to winning between the lines after pocketing mucho dinero shaving last week. Stan tried his best to stem his negative tide last week, but it wasn't enough - and won't have enough this week either. Big Brown Boys (7-4-1, 43.4) by 3 over Dirty Sanchez (8-4, 45.8) Shiv needs to choose his RB/WR and WRs wisely. Vesh doesn't have much to choose from among his WRs. Chocolate Love (5-7, 46.9) by 2 over Spunk Monkeys (9-2-1, 48.9) Joebob is most dangerous when his back is up against the wall. Zach most likely will experience a letdown after last week's explosive performance. Angry Starfish (5-7, 40.3) by 10 over Wet Noodles (4-7-1, 37.6) Mike has really struggled lately, but we feel he'll come close to 50 this week. Will Ali continue to be MIA? Midget Tossers (5-6-1, 43.4) by 1 over Manchester United (7-5, 44.6) Drew's due for some RB and WR pts. We don't think Edge will crack 20 again for Clark. Spankin It... (4-6-2, 42.3) by 6 over West Coast Offense (5-6-1, 45.6) McNabb and W Dunn are hot for Richard, TO and L Coles are warming up, and you can't forget about T Gonzalez. Gary's Deuce might be due for a dip, but most of his other starters are due for a good game.