R F L - Week 9 - November 4, 2003 Guest written by Zach Abad, Drew Reeder and Mike Schassberger Really F***in’ Lame WIR **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** In a tribute to our favorite cartoon, this WIR will be dedicated to the Thundercats… HO! The Thundercats were the most ass kicking pussy’s that we have ever seen. BENCH TEAM! These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: 17 C Pennington (The Axis of Evil) 10 M Pittman (Chocolate Love) 8 R Johnson (BITCH) D Staley (DS) 9 I Hilliard (samurai penguins) 7 Key Johnson (West Coast Offense) 6 J Kleinsasser (Angry Starfish) 4 J Kasay (West Coast Offense) 61 points... 14-2 this week, 133-8-3 through 9 weeks. Highest scoring team: Spunk Monkeys - 49.4 ppg Lowest scoring team: Wet Noodles - 37.3 ppg Toughest defense: Manchester United - 38.0 ppg Softest defense: Chocolate Love - 50.6 ppg League scoring average: 43.5 ppg (up from 43.1 thru last week; last year 47.6) Now on to WIR #9! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Snarf Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Angry Starfish 5 4 0 2 384 421 W1 The Axis of Evil 4 4 1 2.5 342 420 W3 The Hustlers 3 5 1 3.5 389 374 T1 Chocolate Love 3 6 0 4 414 455 W1 Lion-O Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 7 2 0 - 445 352 L1 Big Brown Boys 5 3 1 1.5 387 370 T1 West Coast Offense 4 4 1 2.5 395 398 L1 BoyzInTheChineseHood 3 6 0 4 405 403 L1 Cheetara Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Dirty Sanchez 6 3 0 1 413 372 W1 Manchester United 6 3 0 1 389 342 L1 The Belching Brides 4 4 1 2.5 387 371 L1 Wet Noodles 3 5 1 3.5 336 383 W1 Mumra Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK samurai penguins 5 4 0 2 426 404 W4 Love Touch 5 4 0 2 397 355 W2 Midget Tossers 3 6 0 4 418 439 L2 Spankin It... 2 5 2 4 343 411 L2 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 9 IN REVIEW **************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** Chocolate Love 58 (3-6) Boyz In Th Chin Hood 47 (3-6) This game was a high scoring game of the week. At least Wang picked a good one, too bad he lost. The chinks in the hood got crushed by the dark lover. Rattay’s 13 was a bid boost and picked up the slack for a sub-par performance from ricky. The love was able to win despite leaving the Floridian wife beater on the bench. This was a high scoring game, but also a game of bottom dwellers. I guess everyone needs a to have a turn, thank god that’s over. rattay 13 rickyw 9 arlenh 2 amani 13 boldin 9 declark 1 v'jagt 11 maddox 7 sdavis 9 dez 3 pprice 4 chmbrs 9 heap 11 wilkins 4 -------------------------------------------- The Belching Brides 34 (4-4-1) Angry Starfish 42 (5-4) The belching brides took an angry starfish to the face this week. Despite Elam going down early and Gardner putting up a goose egg the fish were able to hang on. The last couple of weeks have been crazy Monday nights, but my team held on nicely. The brides are bumped down to the middle of the pack hanging on to the last playoff position. The Brides will need more output from their receiving core if they want to make the playoffs. Plax needs to stop bitching and start catching the ball. He is killing me again this year. Maybe I should trade him so he starts playing well again. kerry 14 tiki 5 cgarner 9 donte 0 chadj 4 booba 0 graham 2 favre 12 LT 10 andrej 3 rgardner 0 plaxico 4 bmiller 9 elam 4 -------------------------------------------- Dirty Sanchez 56 (6-3) Midget Tossers 32 (3-6) With the little people (trying to be PC) having 3 Buffalo starters on bye week they got thrown around like O.J.’s girlfriend. The ex-midget BJ, tormented his former team with 12 points, while the midget’s got their standard 5 points from their WR’s. It’s put up or shut up time for the little people throwers. bj 12 ahman 17 martian 6 tai 7 troyb 0 sharpe 2 v'teri 12 greasy 7 lamont 0 jamall 4 muhsin 1 rice 4 shockey 5 joshb 11 -------------------------------------------- Manchester United 44 (6-3) samurai penguins 67 (5-4) Santana Moss did his best Randy impression going for 3 TD’s and 25 points. That along with 17 from his other WR T Holt pretty much sealed the deal. Guess that’s what MU gets for naming their football team after a futbol team. Manchester has not been the same since Beckham left. That pretty boy really knew how to draw in the crowds. Both of these teams are well on their way to the playoffs. bulge 10 edge 12 moe 4 hiney 9 koren 3 imili 1 cahney 5 kitna 7 b'halter 6 jporter 2 tholt 17 smoss 25 mcmike 5 omare 5 -------------------------------------------- Wet Noodles 39 (3-5-1) Spunk Monkeys 37 (7-2) Finally a big showing by his tight end, but Zach could not convince the rest of his team to show up this week. Hitting the Bye week curse caused him to start 3 Raiders in desperation hoping it would bring back the good fortunes of last year. Unfortunately the MIGHTY LIONS…did I just say that…held them in check. Solid outings by P-Ram and the noodle kicker combined with zero goose eggs would be enough to hand the Spunksters their second loss in a row. ramses 10 chadm 3 kfaulk 4 marvinh 3 rods 3 pollard 4 l'well 12 t'sopo 1 tjduck 9 zcrock 0 teyo 0 djax 11 becht 8 edinger 8 -------------------------------------------- West Coast Offense 38 (4-4-1) The Axis of Evil 45 (4-4-1) This was the battle of kiss your sister. The west coast is usually the best coast but George W’s band of bad countries pull through for the win. The coast didn’t get any standout performances and it shows with his score. No one over double digits usually spells a loss and it did in this matchup. It could have been worse but Jake Delhomme put up a nice six points (who the hell is that anyway? And better yet, why is he starting?). That’s what you get when you have two QB’s who don’t start any more. jaked 6 deuce 6 ddavis 4 jhorn 2 ibruce 5 freddie 8 j-kow 7 peyton 8 shauna 9 shipp 9 driver 3 javon 14 dallas 0 mgram 2 -------------------------------------------- The Hustlers 54 (3-5-1) Big Brown Boys 54 (5-3-1) Way too many fucking ties this year. A bunch of people that can’t close the deal. Clitoris Portis had a nice Monday night for the hustlers but couldn’t pinch off the big brown load. Here’s a hint from a Charger fan: don’t start Boston. He is the biggest crack head in the league and will bring down the rest of your team. Wayne Chrebet had a better game and he isn’t making 47 million dollars over the next couple of years. tbanks 6 portis 13 tglenn 12 jsmits 4 keenan 10 conwell 0 elling 9 jblake 9 fredt 5 troyh 17 boston 1 ssmith 11 alge 0 akers 11 -------------------------------------------- Love Touch 64 (5-4) Spankin It... 41 (2-5-2) Some would say love touch and spanking it are the same thing. Looks like love prevails in this one. The A-Train laid multiple tracks over the helpless Chargers. I bet Love touch wishes they played each other every week. Love touch got more than enough to cover for the big goose egg by John Hall. Is he even kicking right now? TO continues to disappoint this year, which is fine by two of us. c'pep 16 atrain 18 warrick 9 rmoss 11 mccants 2 graham 8 jhall 0 mcnabb 10 bus 2 thrash 4 TO 7 lcoles 7 clewis 0 hanson 11 ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: Reeder, Abad, & Schassberger LLP. ************************************************* This RFL profile will be an interview of Drew and Mike, a.k.a., Reeder and Perm, a.k.a. Garbage and Headbutt, aka… okay that’s enough. They will be interviewed by Zach a.k.a. Jabba. Zach: What did you learn most from your first fantasy football season? Mike: I learned not to trade with Brad (not in the league anymore) and that I should stick with my team and not trade when value is low. I also learned that luck plays a BIG part of the outcome. You can score 85 points one week and lose, or you can score 28 points one week and win (actually happened a couple of weeks ago to me). Reeder: Defense wins championships. Zach: What do you guys do, you know for money? Mike: I sit on a computer and get fat all day. Reeder: Gamble, no wait that’s what I do to lose money. I sit on a computer and get fat all day. Zach: So you both get fat for a living? Mike & Reeder: Yeah pretty much. Reeder: I learned it from watching you and Mike. Zach: Who’s your favorite thundercat? Mike: Cheetara, she’s hot. Reeder: WillyKit and WillyKat because I like twins (o)(o) and I am one. Zach: Have you guys seen Most Extreme Challege on Spike Tv (MXC)? Reeder: Yeah it’s great, they have lots of hot asian ass on there. Mike: Reeder, stop looking at my ass. Zach: What was your biggest bust on draft day? Mike: Plaxico in the second round. I thought he was going to be good because he said he was going to stop partying. Some people play better drunk, don’t fight it, go with it! Reeder: Never draft anyone with the same first name (Bledsoe). RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Panthro, Lion-o, Mumra This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 98 S McNair (Spunk Monkeys) 87 P Manning (The Axis of Evil) 85 J Garcia (The Hustlers) RB 129 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 128 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 96 J Lewis (Midget Tossers) 89 S Alexander (The Axis of Evil) 89 S Davis (Boyz In The Chin Hood) 89 L Tomlinson (Angry Starfish) WR 107 T Holt (samurai penguins) 102 R Moss (Love Touch) 76 M Harrison (Wet Noodles) 70 H Ward (Manchester United) 67 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) 66 K McCardell (The Hustlers) TE 45 T Gonzalez (Spankin It...) 44 S Sharpe (Dirty Sanchez) 40 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 87 M Vanderjagt (Chocolate Love) 74 J Elam (Angry Starfish) 73 J Wilkins (Boyz In The Chin Hood) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 16 D Culpepper (Love Touch) RB 18 A Thomas (Love Touch) 17 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) and T Hambrick (Big Brown Boys) WR 25 S Moss (samurai penguins) 17 T Holt (samurai penguins) TE 11 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 12 R Longwell (Wet Noodles) and A Vinatieri (Dirty Sanchez) ************** Week 9 total: 116... [Better than a sharp stick in the eye… ] -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** Wet Noodles (3-5-1, 37.3) vs. Spankin It... (2-5-2, 38.1) Ali Edge Richard P Ramsey -> D McNabb E George << J Bettis J Jurevicius -- J Thrash M Harrison << L Coles Kev Johnson -- Ti Brown M Pollard -> T Gonzalez R Longwell -- M Andersen Battle of the Bottom Dwellers. The loser of this game might as well mail his dues to the league office. Eddie might be coming strong off of the bye week, but look for McNabb to continue to improve. Ali’s team should be better and Dick should be prepared to be on the receiving end of a Wet Noodle spank job. *** Ali by 6 *** -------------------------------------------- Other Tilts: Boyz In Th Chin Hood (3-6, 45.0) by 5 over The Axis of Evil (4-4-1, 38.0) Furious Styles takes the Axis kids down to Chinatown for a lesson on how the man is keeping them down. The Belching Brides (4-4-1, 43.0) by 1 over Chocolate Love (3-6, 46.0) The brides rebound from last week’s loss and steal one from Buddy Love. Dirty Sanchez (6-3, 45.9) by 1 over Angry Starfish (5-4, 42.7) Dirty Sanchez uses the angry starfish to pull off his finishing move. samurai penguins (5-4, 47.3) by 1 over Midget Tossers (3-6, 46.4) The birds in suits will tower over the midget tossers. Spunk Monkeys (7-2, 49.4) by 1 over Manchester United (6-3, 43.2) Soccer sucks, Zach wins by a golden goal. Big Brown Boys (5-3-1, 43.0) by 0 over West Coast Offense (4-4-1, 43.9) This will be this weeks tie. The brown load will put up just enough to put out the fire on the west coast. Love Touch (5-4, 44.1) by 2 over The Hustlers (3-5-1, 43.2) Love Touch will finish before the Hustlers can even turn the page.