Relevant Food Lessons Week 5 October 7, 2003 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** OH, NO... NAWT THE SAWKS!!! How obvious was it that FOX pressured the umps into making sure the Cubs and Red Sox had slightly smoother paths in their respective division series?!? And what's up with the FOX guy last night saying that Yankees fans wanted to face the Sox?!? You've got the A's with Mulder hurt, Hudson hurt, and Miggy and Chavez mired in hideous slumps. And then you've got the Red Sox with the best lineup ever, the best pitcher on the face of the planet, and a very talented (though some would say mental toughness-challenged) bullpen. Hmmm... I wanted the Yanks to whoop on the scuffling A's in the ALCS! What if Rocket faces off against Pedro in Game 3 in Fenway?!? LAST MAN STANDING Clark's Manchester United and Zach's Spunk Monkeys entered Week 5 as the only 2 undefeated teams. Zach took care of business against Stan's The Belching Brides - while Gary's West Coast Offense dinked and dunked their way to a big upset win over Man U. Zach is on a huge roll. Zach's Fat Bastards closed out the 2k2 season with 6 straight wins - finishing up with a 50-33 Ags Bowl win over Clark's AC Milan. And now Zach has started the 2k3 season with 5 more wins. Does he really know something the rest of us don't?!? I guess the RFL gods are smiling upon him after considering the Raiders' Super Bowl loss to TB, the Raiders' ugly performances so far this season, and the A's 8th straight loss in a playoff series clinching game. BENCH TEAM! These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: 16 T Couch (Manchester United) 17 R Williams II (The Axis of Evil) 16 M Williams (Manchester United) 15 P Price (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 12 T Glenn (The Hustlers) 2 F Jones (West Coast Offense) 0 W Puck () 78 points... 15-0-1 this week, 76-3-1 through 5 weeks. LIVE, LOVE, EAT Highest scoring team: Midget Tossers - 53.6 ppg Lowest scoring team: samurai penguins - 36.2 ppg Toughest defense: Manchester United - 34.0 ppg Softest defense: The Axis of Evil - 54.8 ppg League scoring average: 43.0 ppg (up from 42.4 thru last week; last year 47.6) ....on to WIR #5! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Emeril Lagasse Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Angry Starfish 2 3 0 3 221 233 L2 The Hustlers 2 3 0 3 203 215 W1 The Axis of Evil 1 3 1 3.5 188 274 T1 Chocolate Love 1 4 0 4 222 255 L2 Bobby Flay Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 5 0 0 - 254 171 W5 Big Brown Boys 4 1 0 1 240 195 W3 West Coast Offense 2 2 1 2.5 208 210 W1 BoyzInTheChineseHood 2 3 0 3 203 221 L2 Jamie Oliver Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Dirty Sanchez 4 1 0 1 225 195 W4 Manchester United 4 1 0 1 216 170 L1 Wet Noodles 2 2 1 2.5 191 186 W1 The Belching Brides 1 3 1 3.5 203 213 L1 Martha Stewart Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Love Touch 3 2 0 2 220 205 W2 Midget Tossers 2 3 0 3 268 239 L3 -nameless- 1 2 2 3 195 217 T1 samurai penguins 1 4 0 4 181 239 L3 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 5 IN REVIEW **************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** Dirty Sanchez 54 (4-1) samurai penguins 40 (1-4) pregame spread: DS by 9 JoePa's samurai penguins are looking a lot more like Nittany Lions these days. Without C Dillon and T Holt, the penguins were expected to struggle offensively. But truth be told... the penguins' D did them in this week - allowing Kordell to lead Dirty Sanchez to a 54-point outburst. JoePa's D also fell asleep - letting Troy Brown go long for the first time in ages. JoePa did well in having Troy Edwards hit for 8 in Holt's spot - and in re-acquiring O Mare. But T Brady got outpointed by Kordell, and T Sofa now has 1 rushing TD while W Green has no TDs period. Vesh was led once again by Ahman. Ahman posted his 4th game of the season with 15+ points - and in the process overtook Priest for 1st place in RB (and overall) points. T Streets was a bit of a surprise starter. But when the alternatives are K Faulk (sucks), D Staley (4th string RB yet?) and C Martin (bye week), we suppose the choice makes a little more sense. But Dante Hall had TDs in 3 straight games! Perhaps Vesh should start D Hall over Tr Brown next week. JoePa had Alstott try to make up a 15-pt deficit on Monday Night. Alstott cowboyed up with his collection of head/neck injuries, but could only come up with a single. kordell 11 ahman 18 streets 1 moulds 5 troyb 9 sharpe 2 v'teri 8 brady 7 wgreen 6 alstott 1 ike 4 troye 8 mcmike 3 mare 11 -------------------------------------------- Boyz In Th Chin Hood 32 (2-3) Wet Noodles 53 (2-2-1) pregame spread: BITCH by 4 Ali went into Monday Night Madness action trailing Wang by a mere 3 points - with superstar WR M Harrison and not-that-super TE Marvcus Pollard an absolute lock to complete the come-from-behind win by the end of the 1st quarter. But for half of Monday Night's game, the TB D looked like it just might possibly hold the 2 Indy pass catchers down around the 2-3 pt level. But then Harrison caught a long TD pass on the 1st drive of the 2nd half, and Wang switched the A's-Sox game to his big TV. Wang's bad decisions (starting Maddox over A Brooks and Peabo Bryson over P Price) certainly didn't help his cause. The red "Q" next to Price's name clearly rattled Wang and forced him into one poor choice. Starting Maddox (vs CLE) over Brooks (at CAR) made sense, but both QBs are regressing to XFL-caliber before Wang's eyes. Rice has now gone 5 games without a TD - and could very well go 11 more without one. On the other side of the fence, Ali exacted the revenge he sought after all the harassment Wang sent his way last season and earlier this season. P Ramsey QBed Wet Noodles to the win - running one in on the soft BITCH goalline D and passing for another TD late in the game when BITCH assumed Ramsey was about to spike the ball to stop the clock. Ali - when asked about the fake spike play after the game - stated, "The entire League knows that Wang's D is easily duped. We wouldn't have dared try that play against anyone else." maddox 2 sdavis 15 peabo 1 rice 3 chmbrs 1 erron 1 elling 9 ramsey 14 egeorge 2 emmitt 0 marvinh 22 rods 8 pollard 2 l'well 5 -------------------------------------------- Spunk Monkeys 43 (5-0) The Belching Brides 34 (1-3-1) pregame spread: SM by 3 Stan focused his D on stopping Priest, but forgot to spy on McNair. The Belching Brides held Spunk Monkeys to their lowest scoring output of the season, but seemed to have lost their own scoring touch. Aside from a Tiki TD early in the 1st half, no other Bride hit paydirt. Superstar Cowboy PK Cundiff came up with Stan's top PK performance of the season, but every other non-Tiki starter let Stan down. C Garner had his 3rd game with 5 pts or less. Zach's WRs are struggling - and in 5 TE starts, Zach might have 1 or 2 receptions total (for 0 total points). And Teyo Johnson actually scored a TE pt on Zach's bench this week - after 4 starts with 0s. But Priest and Air have loaded the Spunk Monkeys on their backs and are now the Steamroller frontrunners by themselves. Priest had his 2nd straight 5-pt game. Vesh could be facing a religious experience next Sunday. air 22 priest 5 duckett 4 dmason 5 djax 3 clewis 0 mbryant 4 kerry 5 tiki 11 cgarner 5 chadj 3 ferguson 0 booba 2 cundiff 8 -------------------------------------------- Manchester United 25 (4-1) West Coast Offense 50 (2-2-1) pregame spread: MU by 10 After all that was written about how consistently well Clark had his team performing, he was undoubtedly due to get jinxed. Had Clark started Couch and Moe instead of Hasselbeck and Galloway, Manchester United would have actually won this game. But who would have bet on Couch against PIT? And who would have thought that AZ would hold Galloway to a mere deuce. Clark failed to score any TDs (or throw for any) - meaning he would have scored a total of 7 in the old days. Gary stepped off a plane from a 2-week vacation, plugged in J Morton for Sucky Ed McCaffrey, and directed the West Coast Offense to perhaps a season-saving victory. Horn finally scored another TD, and Deuce racked up some serious yardage. Figure this out... the Saints score 13 pts against CAR - yet Deuce and Horn manage to combine for 19 themselves. Janikowski is becoming the only bright spot on the Raiders - with Jolley perhaps in 2nd. h'beck 4 amos 5 joeyg 2 heinz 3 koren 4 brady 0 cahney 7 gannon 3 deuce 10 jmorton 8 horn 9 key 3 jolley 2 j-kow 15 -------------------------------------------- Midget Tossers 49 (2-3) The Hustlers 78 (2-3) pregame spread: MT by 5 Ladell Betts is clearly the straw that stirs Tarang's drink. The Hustlers score 17 and 16 pts in successive weeks, trade the underachieving and injured P Price for Betts, start Betts, and The Hustlers explode for 78 pts against Drew's unlucky Midget Tossers. Drew's Raider Hater had the weakest D in RFL last season. Apparently Drew is trying to win with your daddy's Vikings. Drew has too much (non-WR) talent to be 2-3, but perhaps Drew will need to address his WR shortcomings if he wants to get things turned around. Drew's running game clearly isn't a problem. When you can plug in a Rudi Johnson for Jamal Lewis and still get double digits, you shouldn't lose by 29 pts! But no Midget Tosser WR has scored more than 8 in a game so far. Portis' return to the lineup was an immense boost for The Hustlers this week. J Smith also returned from his crack suspension to put up an 8. J Garcia bounced back from 2 poor outings, and Keenan Ivory Wayans scored all the TDs Keyshawn could only cry about last night. Could the rookie Tarang be back on the path to the postseason? bledsoe 7 thenry 17 rudi 10 muhsin 2 abryant 0 shockey 6 jreed 7 garcia 17 portis 18 betts 1 jsmits 8 keenan 24 conwell 2 feely 8 -------------------------------------------- Love Touch 54 (3-2) Angry Starfish 27 (2-3) pregame spread: LT by 2 Cals seems to have found that lovin' feelin' again - as Onterrio filled in nicely for Daunte as Cals' Vike in the backfield. R Moss benefitted again from having a QB willing to lob the ball to him in the endzone. Will Culpepper use this knowledge shared by Gus when he returns as the Vikes' starting QB? Even Jake the Snake and A Train had a nice Love Touch this week against Mike's Angry Starfish. Does a missing Romo add up to that much rushing yardage for the Bears?!? The oddsmakers correctly predicted that Mike would need a prolific aerial assault to win this one. Although Favre did ok, Mike's 4 pass-catchers totaled a feeble quattro. Mike made a rookie mistake in starting a Viking against Cals. Let this be a lesson to you, Tarang. Cals has a way of "influencing" any Viking he faces. Mike was also done in by a poor game from LaDainian. After getting better and better over the 1st 4 weeks, Tomlinson took many huge steps back in this one. snake 8 atrain 7 osmith 6 rmoss 16 warrick 4 riemrsma 0 jhall 13 favre 9 LT 3 dbennett 2 plaxico 1 gardner 1 k'sasser 0 elam 11 -------------------------------------------- Chocolate Love 37 (1-4) Big Brown Boys 66 (4-1) pregame spread: CL by 11 Shiv took round 1 of the IFEJ round-robin by unleashing F Taylor and D Boston on the hapless Joebob D and ending up with boxcars. Shiv continues to roll with M Vick watching from the sidelines. Vick was initially expected to return this coming weekend, but that comeback has apparently been postponed a bit. J Harrington has done ok in Vick's stead (39 pts in 5 starts), and the question will be whether Vick's return lifts the Big Brown Boys - or divides them (like D Flutie and R Johnson in BUF). No Chocolate Love starter hit double digits against Shiv's D - as their strategy to contain R Williams worked quite well. T Green, M Pittman and the PK tried their best to pick up Ricky's slack, but came up well short. Joebob had Pittman and V'jagt going in MNF action - hoping to make up a 45-pt deficit, but could only manage to total 16. Chocolate Love clearly is weak in the pass-catching department. Joebob has 4 total TE pts, and only has 3 quality WR starts (out of 11). green 8 rwilliams 9 pittman 8 amani 2 boldin 1 fauria 1 v'jagt 8 joeyh 7 fredt 21 troyh 3 crogers 3 boston 22 alge 1 akers 9 -------------------------------------------- - 42 (1-2-2) The Axis of Evil 42 (1-3-1) pregame spread: - by 1 Things were looking very grim for Brodz in this game. The Axis of Evil trailed by 19 as MNF kicked off - and 2 of Brodz' 3 MNF players were facing what Madden called 1 of the top 3 NFL defenses of all time. Brodz' best shot might be getting some minimal Peyton-Dallas pts - and a handful of FGs from the PK. At the half, Brodz had 1 Peyton pt and 3 PATs. But then some planets and stars and asteroids and stuff aligned just so somewhere in this universe - as Peyton began torching the Bucs D and the Curse of the Bambino started lifting simultaneously. When the dust settled, the Sox had eliminated the A's and The Axis of Evil had managed to nearly complete their comeback - covering the spread and settling for a tie. Shaun Alexander and D Driver also did Brodz proud. mcnabb 7 bettis 6 tibrown 2 TO 10 coles 3 tonyg 8 mort 6 peyton 13 salex'er 12 javon 0 driver 10 bshaw 1 dallas 1 mgram 5 -------------------------------------------- WANG'S WEEKLY WARBLE ====== ====== ====== We had a very controversy-free 2k2 season, but a few controversies have nearly percolated to the surface this season. 1) The tie between Stan and Richard that vanished from yahoo's standings for a few days. 2) The nfl.com gamebook that gives J Shockey credit for a Week 3 J Finn reception - which could incorrectly result in a tie between Shivan and Drew. 3) The midweek incorrect disappearance of yardage from D Jolley that would change a Gary-Ali tie to an Ali win. 4) A request from Gary before he left for a vacation that I put in McCaffrey for Keyshawn (bye week) - but then I couldn't remember if he asked me to put Keyshawn back in for I Bruce (bye) this past weekend. 5) As of this printing, yahoo had not credited Tarang's K McCardell with that fumble return TD on MNF. #1 and #3 can easily be handled by saying that our WIRs take priority over yahoo when it comes to final scores, standings, playoff matchups, consolation bracket matchups, etc. #2 is kinda tricky because just before we went to yahoo, nfl.com's gamebooks were the official source for stats, whether a player played or not, etc. The assumption is that nfl.com will be 100% accurate. But the Shockey-Finn incident clearly exposed a flaw in nfl.com. But if ESPN PrimeTime and SportsCenter hadn't shown that Finn replay over and over again, who would have known how to resolve the difference between yahoo's Shockey yardage and nfl.com's Shockey yardage? What's more important? A) Having a single source (in this case nfl.com's gamebooks) to resolve all disputes? Or B) Using whatever source is right (when the single source in option A is known to be wrong) to resolve disputes? Option A is certainly more clean. Especially if we are willing to place ourselves at the mercy of yahoo. I certainly don't feel comfortably with that. But Option B is certainly preferable. However... what if "right" can't be determined as quickly and definitively as the Finn-Shockey incident? #4 could have been messy. I was 95% sure that Gary didn't explicitly ask me to put Keyshawn in for Bruce, but had he implied that such a move should be a no-brainer? In the end... i) I will only make starting lineup moves for vacationers that are explicitly written in emails. I can't presume to know what "obviously" should be done (like starting Bryson over Price this past weekend). ii) I will not delete said emails before all the requested moves have been made. #5... what the @#$%?!?!? I say the TD counts (but not the yardage, since it was a "return TD"). Cals, what say you on this matter? ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: ************************************************* RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Interviewer took the week off to watch the baseball playoffs. Were the playoffs dripping with this much drama in the past? Or did spending last playoff season in England make my heart grow fonder? This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 62 S McNair (Spunk Monkeys) 57 P Manning (The Axis of Evil) 53 J Garcia (The Hustlers) RB 78 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 77 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 66 J Lewis (Midget Tossers) 55 T Henry (Midget Tossers) 52 R Williams (Chocolate Love) 49 F Taylor (Big Brown Boys) WR 64 R Moss (Love Touch) 61 M Harrison (Wet Noodles) 40 H Ward (Manchester United) 40 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) 38 T Holt (samurai penguins) 35 L Coles (-) 35 K McCardell (The Hustlers) TE 29 S Sharpe (Dirty Sanchez) 25 A Crumpler (Big Brown Boys) 18 T Gonzalez (-) PK 56 M Vanderjagt (Chocolate Love) 51 J Elam (Angry Starfish) 48 S Janikowski (West Coast Offense) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 22 S McNair (Spunk Monkeys) RB 21 F Taylor (Big Brown Boys) 22 D Boston (Big Brown Boys) RB/WR WR 24 K McCardell (The Hustlers) 22 M Harrison (Wet Noodles) TE 8 T Gonzalez (-) PK 15 S Janikowski (West Coast Offense) ************** Week 5 total: 134... BAM! -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** Spunk Monkeys (5-0, 50.8) vs. Dirty Sanchez (4-1, 45.0) Zach Edge Vesh S McNair <- K Stewart P Holmes <- A Green TJ Duckett -> C Martin D Mason -- E Moulds D Jackson <- Tr Brown T Johnson >> S Sharpe P Edinger -> A Vinatieri Both of these teams have already been featured on GOTW (Vesh is appearing for the 2nd week in a row). But when you have the top 2 teams in RFL 2k3, and when both GMs are GMing at the top of the game... you've got to go with them. We still stand by our assertion that Vesh is hurting at QB (vINTy and Kordell). How the hell Kordell can light up the Raiders is beyond us! Perhaps Zach can enlighten us?!? And we all know how vINTy doesn't have it all together. Vesh has managed to win 4 consecutive by having 2 players hit double digits in each game. Ahman is usually 1 of the 2. The others have been Kordell, Sharpe, J Blake, Vinatieri and Moulds. It doesn't look like Vesh really has a lock on a 2nd double-digit scorer for this matchup with Zach. Zach has survived 2 weeks of 5 ppg from Priest. We think Priest will get 2 TDs against the Pack this weekend. Zach will need 2 Priest TDs to compensate for the anticipated lack of production from the RB/WR slot (TJ Duckett has matched Priest over the last 2 weeks), one WR slot (most likely D Mason), and the TE and PK slots. These holes in Zach's roster seem to leave him exposed to a loss. But those holes have been in Zach's roster for all 5 of his wins this season. And who will be the guy who hits double digits along-side Ahman for Vesh? Kordell at NO? Martian vs. BUF? Moulds at NYJ? TroyB or Vinatieri vs. NYG? Sharpe vs. PIT? **** We think 2 guys will cowboy up with Ahman. Vesh upsets Zach by 1 **** -------------------------------------------- Other Tilts: Manchester United (4-1, 43.2) by 4 over Boyz In Th Chin Hood (2-3, 40.6) Clark shouldn't need Edgerrin to win this one, but E James should be back. Wang will be missing 2 starters from last week, but Peabo and the PK should be easy to replace. The Belching Brides (1-3-1, 40.6) by 7 over Wet Noodles (2-2-1, 38.2) Stan needs this win to get back in the hunt for a playoff berth. Ali's squad's depth could finally be challenged. - (1-2-2, 39.0) by 8 over samurai penguins (1-4, 36.2) JoePa needs a slumpbuster and hopes that the return of T Holt and S Moss will be the cure of what ails him. Midget Tossers (2-3, 53.6) by 2 over West Coast Offense (2-2-1, 41.6) Drew's 2-3 record doesn't fit with being the top-scoring club. He'll look to even his record against Gary's Raider-led team. The trio (Gannon-Jolley-Seabass) Drew hates will be going up against the same Brownies that beat Drew's Niners a few weeks ago. The Hustlers (2-3, 40.6) by 5 over Angry Starfish (2-3, 44.2) Tarang looks to prove that last weekend's outburst wasn't a fluke. Mike is on a 2-game slide - and will be LT-less. Chocolate Love (1-4, 44.4) by 19 over Love Touch (3-2, 44.0) Joebob vs. Cals... in the old days there'd be no question this matchup would be the GOTW. But Joebob is stumbling and bumbling along at 1-4, and Cals has nearly half his drafted roster out on byes. Joebob's at full-strength, so we see an old-fashioned clobbering in this one. The Axis of Evil (1-3-1, 37.6) by 10 over Big Brown Boys (4-1, 48.0) Brodz needs a win - and gets to face Shiv's team on their worst bye week. Brodz' WR situation might be rounding into shape. Shiv's main focus while enduring this loss will be to avoid injuries.