guest written by JoePa - GM, samurai penguins... Ridiculously Far Longball Week 3 September 23, 2003 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** CUBS AND BOSOX IN THE PLAYOFFS, GIANT FANS SHOOTING DODGER FANS... MASS HYSTERIA! [Editor's Note: It was actually 2 Dodger fans who were detained for the slaying of a Giant fan.] With the first bye week of the year, some of the offenses were putting up baseball scores. Once again, Priest Holmes stood like the Babe above the competition. The Spunk Monkeys are still in the hunt to catch the 1908 Cubs for most Wins ever while The Brides and the Axis of Evil head toward joining the 2003 Detroit Tigers for fewest wins in a season. A VERY SCRUBBY WEEK IN THE RFL The league took advantage of the rule allowing 3 WR's in their lineups to survive the absence of such powerhouse teams as the 0-2 Chicago Bears and the 0-2 Philly Eagles and a Carolina Team that averages 18 PPG. The league scoring average dropped 3 full points as the barrage of new players put up ones an zeros as fast as the RFL supercomputer could count them. BENCH TEAM! These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: 17 J Plummer (Love Touch) 14 M Pittman (Chocolate Love) 14 M Alstott (samurai penguins) 15 I Hilliard (samurai penguins) 20 R Wayne (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 1 F Jones (West Coast Offense) and E Kinney (The Axis of Evil) 0 D Akers (Big Brown Boys)[The only kicker on the bench] 81 points... 47-1 through 3 weeks. CROOKED NUMBERS/GOOSE EGGS Highest scoring team: Midget Tossers - 57.0 ppg Lowest scoring team: Wet Noodles - 29.0 ppg Toughest defense: Midget Tossers - 33.0 ppg Softest defense: The Axis of Evil - 63.3 ppg League scoring average: 41.4 ppg (down from 44.1 last week; last year 47.6) ...on to WIR #3! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS Dial 9 Drive Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Angry Starfish 2 1 0 - 144 122 W2 The Hustlers 1 2 0 2 109 120 L2 Chocolate Love 1 2 0 2 143 138 W1 The Axis of Evil 0 3 0 3 95 190 L3 Colossal Clout Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 3 0 0 - 166 100 W3 BoyzInTheChineseHood 2 1 0 1 134 123 W1 Big Brown Boys 2 1 0 1 117 108 W1 West Coast Offense 1 2 0 2 107 134 L2 Skyward Shot Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Manchester United 3 0 0 - 145 104 W3 Dirty Sanchez 2 1 0 1 124 116 W2 Wet Noodles 1 2 0 2 87 103 W1 The Belching Brides 0 2 1 2.5 117 135 L1 Bodacious Blast Division Team W L T GB PF PA STK Midget Tossers 2 1 0 - 171 99 L1 -nameless- 1 1 1 0.5 114 128 L1 samurai penguins 1 2 0 1 106 133 L1 Love Touch 1 2 0 1 104 130 L1 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 3 IN REVIEW **************** ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** Angry Starfish 57 (2-1) The Axis of Evil 28 (0-3) pregame spread: AS by 11 The Starfish were indeed very angry as they came out and bashed Brodz and his downtrodden team in the GOTW. Andre Johnson came out of nowhere and laid the wood to AOE. LT added a few extra-base hits and Favre and Rod Gardner added solo shots to the attack. The Axis seems to be spinning off its hinges again this week as the battery of Shaun Alexander and SMack could not put many crooked numbers on the board. Brodz had K Holcomb in the bullpen, but he could have used more bats than arms. Mike, on the other hand, had Drew Bennett riding the pine while putting up more points than all of the Axis of Evil's backs and receivers put together. Brodz was upset at Foge's 16th place prediction for his team, but Shaun will have to be more like Priest or Jamal295 to turn this season around. No drama on Monday Night as Elam added some salt in the wound with a seven spot favre7 LT15 andrej18 plaxico3 rgardner7 bmiller0 elam7 peyton10 salex'er3 smack4 javon2 bshaw2 dclark0 mgram7 -------------------------------------------- samurai penguins 25 (1-2) BoyzInTheChineseHood 44 (2-1) pregame spread: sp by 4 JoePa's team fumbled away his chance at the coveted Kommandant of Kappasig trophy with a painful loss in this one. The much- ballyhooed RB tandem came up with a big 3 spot, or less than Derrick Lee put up for the Marlins. Wang filled in for S Davis with the unknown Kelly Campbell, who scored more in one play than all of the samurai backs and receivers. While Wang used a similar gaze into his crystal ball to help win the Aglione Bowl over JoePa a few years back. This time, he appeared to leave the best option on the shelf as Reggie Wayne did the "Priest" by putting up a 20! Unfortunately, Marshall's latest injury (suffered while laughing at the penguins' pathetic offense) could hurt Wang's long term plans. tbrady9 dillon1 wgreen2 tholt4 smoss1 mcmike3 mare5 maddox7 mfaulk1 kcampbell11 rice3 chmbrs9 heap8 elling5 -------------------------------------------- The Belching Brides 28 (0-2-1) Dirty Sanchez 42 (2-1) pregame spread: TBB by 7 Stan was hopeful on Monday Night, down 7 points but with C Garner and the Denver D. Vesh only had a TE, but Vesh worked his magic, shutting Garner down to an 0 for 4 night at the plate and tacked on a blast from the mighty stick of Shannon (This one's for Romo) Sharpe. Vesh also replaced the vacationing (perhaps permanently?) Kordell "Slash" Stewart with the previously vacationing Jeff Blake. Blake responded to the opportunity by matching Kerry Collins' efforts. The Brides went with Chris Brown at Kicker, not the former Steeler, but the former oft-injured SF Giant 3rd sacker. Naturally, he went on the IR in the first Q with a "torn eyelash". kerry14 tiki8 cgarner0 cjohnson4 donte1 booba1 ChrisBrown* blake14 ahman5 kfaulk4 moulds1 trbrown0 sharpe7 v'teri11 -------------------------------------------- Spunk Monkeys 47 (3-0) West Coast Offense 20 (1-2) pregame spread: SM by 10 The question was asked, "How many times can Priest compensate for Zach's zeroes at RB/WR and TE?" Well, the answer is one more time, anyway as Priest single-handedly sent the West Coast Offense into the Gulf Coast...or Gold Coast...or some other coast. The team named named after Bill Walsh's wonderful creation could use some of the Genius' help, as Deuce is trying to be Bust of the Year. McNair and Priest were able to cover the spread in this mismatch. The Monkeys are 3-0, but will need more production at RB/WR and WR to make the Big Dance. mcnair11 priest20 tjduck0 dmason2 djax8 teyo0 mbryant6 gannon2 deuce1 keyshawn1 horn0 ibruce10 jolley2 j-kow4 -------------------------------------------- The Hustlers 17 (1-2) Wet Noodles 36 (1-2) pregame spread: TH by 3 Was Tarang's squad listed as the favorite by Foge's fearless prediction? Were they reading their own press clippings? Portis' injury was most ill timed as the Bronco's were running over a tired and old-looking Raider team. Unfortunately, Jake Plummer was doing all of the running. Jeff Garcia and the Niners also picked a bad week for a snoozer game. The Noodles are living up to their name with the lowest scoring team in the RFL, but they were handed this scrub win by the lack-luster efforts of JGarcia, Portis and PPRice. Ali appears to have found a replacement for Kurt Warner in Patrick Ramsey. garcia5 portis2 ogary0 pprice2 keenan2 conwell2 feely4 ramses15 egeorge11 emmitt2 marvinh1 rods0 pollard0 l'well7 -------------------------------------------- Manchester United 46 (3-0) Love Touch 31 (1-2) pregame spread: MU by 9 Clark was able to win his 3rd straight in convincing fashion. Warrick came through with a seven, but it is Love Touch's non-existent backfield that is giving Cals a headache. MU relied on the Seattle battery of Hasselback to Koren to overcome LT's Minnesota combo of Daunte to Moss. Daunte put out a good effort before he hurt his back, but more is expected of Randy. h'beck12 ejames5 amos5 heinz8 koren11 brady1 cahney4 c'pep14 kevan0 warrick7 rmoss5 schrder3 riemrsma1 lindell1 -------------------------------------------- Midget Tossers 34 (2-1) Big Brown Boys 36 (2-1) pregame spread: MT by 15 Drew had his boys roll up an 82 last week, so he figured to just roll over Shivan's Boys by just showing up. Shivan had a defensive surprise waiting for the Tossers as Jamal fell a bit short of 295 and thenry was totally AWOL. That and the one point Bledsoe put up, doomed Drew's efforts. There was a bit of controversy at the RFL offices. Originally Shockey was credited with 5 points, but they later switched it to a 3. The NFL abhors ties as much as we do, so I am sure that is what prompted Paul Tagliabue to personally change the scoring. Another Scrub win for the Big Brown Boys. bledsoe1 thenry0 jlewis13 cconway4 ken'son8 shockey3 jreed5 joeyh5 fredt7 boston5 crogers3 chrebet9 alge1 manderson6 -------------------------------------------- Chocolate Love 53 (1-2) -nameless- 28 (1-1-1) pregame spread: CL by 8 JoeBob faced Richard's faceless team and they had an easy time of it. Ricky took his bat and took 43 swings, yielding 15 points. The kicker duel came to a tie, but that was all the No Names could be happy about. TOwens was particularly unhappy with management, complaining that they were not getting the ball to the people who make plays. Richard's laissez faire coaching style is starting to have repercussions. tgreen8 rwilliams15 cand'ate2 aboldin5 amani10 fauria2 v'jagt11 djohnson1 wdunn1 tibrown0 TO5 lcoles7 tonyg3 wilkins11 -------------------------------------------- JOEPA'S THETICS ======= ========= This is my soapbox, but I do not have much to complain about. I joined this league back when the Packers were going to Super Bowls and Cals was still Commissioner for Life. Times change and in much of life we have to roll with the punches. Such is the case with the RFL. Some good things are gone, like the league being run through www.thewanger.com or 6 pts. for 100 yards rushing and/or receiving and 0 pts. for 99 yards. Others remain, like a good base of owners and a full 16 teams in the league each season. We have added one change that I really like is the RB/WR option. This is not a good thing for Larry Centers or Najeh Davenport, but better for strategy. I applaud West Coast Offense for their bold move of drafting Keyshawn, Joe Horn, and Isaac Bruce. Challenging owners to use players farther down the depth chart is one thing; being forced to start a third string back is another. I am not a fan of Yahoo because they do not let all the teams play through the playoffs and they force us to give points to a player who gains 17 yards or a QB who throws for 50 yds. The only good thing is the price, but you get what you pay for. I agree with #2's rant from last week; if you're in the league, the least you can do is show some interest. I do not think we should have a demerit system, but if we want to go to 14, it would be obvious who wants to stay and does not care enough to continue playing the game. Showing up on time for the draft, keeping up your team, giving the squad a new name as per league tradition, and paying off your 50 RFL bucks promptly are all indications of which owners should stay and which should go. One day, I hope to go to the Sony HQ and do the draft with most of the legendary characters that make up this league...if I tell them I own a Sony TV and a Play Station, they'll let me in, right? ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: Shivan Desai, Big Brown Boys ************************************************* Shivan Desai, the little brown boy wonder, has been a member of the RFL community since 1997. Much was expected of this cousin of Snehal. Little has been delivered. Let's get some insight into the puzzling goings on these past 6+ seasons. RFL Week in Review Editing Staff: Shivan, you joined RFL in 1997 with much fanfare. You were essentially annointed as "The Chosen One" to bring RFL back from the depths of despair. 6+ years later, you've won 0 Steamrollers and 0 Ags Bowls. What has happened? Shivan Desai: Just pure bad luck. Every year I put out a team that is a contender at the beginning of the season. Every year, my players manage to disappoint me. For example, last year I had the 4th highest scoring team overall but didn't even manage to make the playoffs. It's impossible to go anywhere with luck like that. The first year when I came into this league, with the second pick in the RFL draft, I told my cousin to draft Barry Sanders (very risky because he was projected at a 5 pick or worse). Little Barry went on to rush for over 2000 yards that season and we managed to finish in second place behind Ali. Ever since then, my players have been unable to perform when it counts. RFL: Last year's rookie GMs (Zach, Drew, Mike) really took the league by storm - fine WIR publication, Ags Bowl triumph, Scrub Bowl victory, 7-2 combined record through Week 3 this year... what are you feeling towards those guys? SD: Hatred. Pure hatred. They haven't paid their dues (figuratively speaking of course since I managed to receive the JoeBob deadbeat of the year award) and they too will learn that with time, it only gets worse. RFL: When you were brought into RFL, you spent a few years as a co-GM with your cousin Snehal. Snehal began his distinguished career as co-GM of arguably the strongest franchise of all time - the Steamroller and Ags Bowl champions from RFL's inaugural season. What did Snehal teach you during your apprenticeship? SD: At the time when I came into this league, I was only a young boy. I thought that I knew everything there was to know about the game and which players would perform. How wrong I was. Snehal managed to teach me to be humble. Many of you may remember the extent to which I trash talked in my first few seasons. However, he was a winning GM before I came along, and I managed to bring him down to my level. After he left, I haven't been able to win jack [beep]. Living in Boston, I have heard much about the curse of the Bambino. Quite possibly, after my cousin left, he left behind the curse of the Snehal. I'm still trying to overcome this. RFL: What is Snehal up to these days? Where is he? What is he doing? SD: Snehal is married and currently lives in HOTlanta. He's got the old ball and chain, and has a "little brown baby" on the way. My older sister is actually living with him while "looking" for a job down there. I think she'll just end up being the nanny. I'm planning on going down there for Christmas break. RFL: Your recruit for this season, Tarang, has shown much promise. How do you know him? What advice about RFL did you give him before getting him on board? SD: I've known Tarang since grade school. He was in the neighborhood, and was a convenient walk. We've been best friends since. He's been involved in other fantasy leagues before, so I knew he wouldn't need too much advice. I did warn him about Vesh though, and how he can be such an intimidator. RFL: We were advised by your PR rep not to ask you about the Cowboys-Giants game. [Interviewer smirks and sniggers.] Tell us why you like to Giants so much. Who are your favorite G-men - including coaches - of all time? SD: I'd care not to comment on the game. The G-men are my reason for being. Fan since birth. I'd have to say some of my favorites are Stephen Baker the touchdown maker, Amani "it's not a" Toomer, LT of course, Shockey, Matt Barr, and Landeta. Despite what others think, I am a fan of Kerry Collins. Now on to the players that I hope drop dead: Jason Sehorn who single-handedly brought down the Giants secondary for four years, and Michael freakin Strahan. Coach wise: Gotta love the Tuna (now I'm a little disappointed in him) and Fassel (although the playcalling in the Dallas game has made me question his manhood). RFL: Tell us about BU... what year are you now? What is your major? What classes are you taking this semester? Will the hockey team win the national championship this year? Where are all the hot chicks hanging out? SD: BU is up and running. I'm a senior in SMG majoring in Finance and Marketing, so anyone looking for a nice guy to hire in the mail room, give me a call! The hockey team is looking pretty good, and I am friends with a couple of the players, but I don't think they have what it takes. Lack of leadership on the part of the seniors. All the hot chicks are hanging out at my apartment of course. Oh, and and my bar. RFL: After you graduate, how do you plan to make the world a better place? SD: I'm considering moving down to some Caribbean island and opening up my own tiki bar on the beach. RFL: Having added Tarang to the league... IFEJ (consisting of you, Joebob and Tarang) now forms the 2nd largest ethnic group in RFL. What are your plans for IFEJ in the near future? SD: I'm considering starting up an RFL/IFEJ dating service. I'll recruit the nice hunnies from BU, and have them enter our mailing list of eligible bachelors. RFL: If it hasn't happened already, when will your "window of opportunity" slam shut? SD: Right now. This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 39 D Culpepper (Love Touch) 35 M Hasselbeck (Manchester United) 33 J Garcia (The Hustlers) RB 67 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 52 J Lewis (Midget Tossers) 43 R Williams (Chocolate Love) 38 T Henry (Midget Tossers) 38 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 30 S Alexander (The Axis of Evil) 30 C Portis (The Hustlers) WR 33 H Ward (Manchester United) 32 C Chambers (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 30 D Jackson (Spunk Monkeys) 29 L Coles (-nameless-) 28 A Toomer (Chocolate Love) 25 T Holt (samurai penguins) TE 21 A Crumpler (Big Brown Boys) 16 S Sharpe (Dirty Sanchez) 13 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 35 M Vanderjagt (Chocolate Love) 32 J Elam (Angry Starfish) 27 J Wilkins (-nameless-) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 15 P Ramsey (Wet Noodles) RB 20 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 15 L Tomlinson (Angry Starfish) and R Williams (Chocolate Love) WR 18 A Johnson (Angry Starfish) 11 K Campbell (BoyzInTheChineseHood) and K Robinson (Manchester United) TE 8 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) PK 11 M Vanderjagt (CL), A Vinatieri (DS), J Wilkins (-) ************** Week 3 total: 98... a 59-foot, 83 mph fastball -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** West Coast Offense (1-2, 35.7) by over Wet Noodles (1-2, 29.0) Gary Edge Ali R Gannon <- P Ramsey D McAllister -- E George E McCaffrey -- E Smith J Horn -- M Harrison I Bruce <- R Smith D Jolley -> M Pollard S Janikowski -- R Longwell This is a scrubby match up that is the perfect GOTW to be in WIR#3. Both teams have been struggling this season. Gary came into the season thinking that Gannon, Deuce and the solid WR corps of Horn and Bruce would lead his offense to slide easily into the Playoffs. So far, all he has is the slide. Deuce has yet to total Priest Holmes' weekly average and last year's MVP has scored less than Deuce. But, as Earl Weaver used to say, "Momentum is as good as today's starting pitcher". A game against the league's lowest scoring offense can make one very confident. The Noodles have squirmed their way into a victory so far and a comeback from Marvin can get him back to a .500 record. Harrison needs a good start at NO this week. Emmitt looks like he has come to a halt, but Eddie G and Ramsey have performed well of late. **** The Ghost of Sid Gillman decrees it, West Coast Offense by 5 **** -------------------------------------------- Other Tilts: Boyz In The Chinese Hood (2-1, 44.7) by 2 over Spunk Monkeys (3-0, 55.3) In an upset, I have the Spunkers falling on the road to the up and coming BITCH due to the loss of djax - and Priest faces Ray Lewis The Belching Brides (0-2-1, 39.0) by 3 over samurai penguins (1-2, 35.3) The Brides are missing Kerry and Tiki, but the rest should be good enough to hold off the struggling penguins. Dirty Sanchez (2-1, 41.3) by 10 over -nameless- (1-1-1, 38.0) Dr. Dirty will have his team ready to play when they face the no name offense. The nameless wonders are still waiting for TO to make some noise. Manchester United (3-0, 48.3) by 7 over The Hustlers (1-2, 36.3) MU is missing Hasselback and Koren but have other bullets in the gun. The Hustlers will attempt to kick-start his offense with Terry Glenn Midget Tossers (2-1, 57.0) by 6 over Love Touch (1-2, 34.7) The Midgets are undefeated and unbelievable, but not untied...and without Shockey. Cals hopes Daunte's back responds to the Love Touch. Angry Starfish (2-1, 48.0) by 9 over Big Brown Boys (1-1-1, 39.0) Mike's Trio of LT, Plaxico and Andre faces Shivan's Boys. The Boys are just holding out until mvick returns. The Starfish are too deep. Chocolate Love (1-2, 47.7) by 5 over The Axis of Evil (0-3, 31.7) JoeBob is missing ricky and Armani while the Axis is missing Shaun. That brings the match-up much closer. A good chance for Brodz to get an upset.