Reef Fetching Lovelies Week 1 September 9, 2003 **** RFL WEEK IN REVIEW **** WHERE, OH WHERE, HAVE MY SURF GIRLS GONE?!? Who knew that a reality show about a bunch of gals cruising around the world's coolest surfing locales (usually scantily clad) would be so compelling? After deciding on a fave (Mary in this editor's case), how could it be known that so much pleasure would be derived from watching her deal with all the other bitches and their issues, stay above it all, not kill any buzzes by parading a b-friend on-screen, and win the long board championship? Now, *that*'s programming! PLAY MY GAME Highest scoring team: Spunk Monkeys - 59.0 ppg Lowest scoring team: samurai penguins - 24.0 ppg Toughest defense: The Hustlers - 24.0 ppg Softest defense: Love Touch - 59.0 ppg League scoring average: 42.8 ppg ...OUCH! (last year after 1 week: 50.9) BENCH TEAM! These guys' asses languished on their respective teams' pines last weekend: 16 J Blake (Vesh, Dirty Sanchez) 17 G Hearst (Stan, The Belching Brides) 11 C Bradford (Joebob, Chocolate Love) 14 J Galloway (Clark, Manchester United) 14 J Jurevicius (Ali, Wet Noodles) 0 C Cleeland (Shiv, Big Brown Boys) 9 J Brown (Wang, BoyzInTheChineseHood) 81 points... enough to smoke Zach's top-scoring Spunk Monkeys by 22! ....on to WIR #1! -------------------------------------------- STANDINGS The Totally Hot Blonde One Division Team W L GB PF PA STK The Hustlers 1 0 - 50 24 W1 The Axis of Evil 0 1 1 43 51 L1 Chocolate Love 0 1 1 39 55 L1 Angry Starfish 0 1 1 32 43 L1 The Really Bitchy Blonde One Division Team W L GB PF PA STK Spunk Monkeys 1 0 - 59 38 W1 Big Brown Boys 1 0 - 51 26 W1 BoyzInTheChineseHood 1 0 - 50 46 W1 West Coast Offense 1 0 - 48 30 W1 The Drama Queen Hawaiian One Division Team W L GB PF PA STK Manchester United 1 0 - 51 43 W1 The Belching Brides 0 1 1 46 50 L1 Dirty Sanchez 0 1 1 30 48 L1 Wet Noodles 0 1 1 26 51 L1 The One Who Sucked Division Team W L GB PF PA STK Midget Tossers 1 0 - 55 39 W1 -nameless- 1 0 - 43 32 W1 Love Touch 0 1 1 38 59 L1 samurai penguins 0 1 1 24 50 L1 -------------------------------------------- WEEK 1 IN REVIEW ******************* ************************** **** GAME OF THE WEEK **** ************************** Spunk Monkeys 59 Love Touch 38 pregame spread: SM by 8 Cals got really nice production from his pair of Vikings (Culpepper-Moss), but with virtually no support from the other 5 starters... it looks like Cals will need Daunte and Randy to crank it up a few more notches week-to-week if Love Touch is to win a game. With the 2 RBs (A Train and K Barlow) combining for a mere trey (and Onterrio mysteriously not getting a single carry while the Vikes tried to run the clock out before their big lead over the Pack evaporated), perhaps Cals will push for the option to start 4 WRs. For Zach, RFL HQs was wondering if he was paying attention to the M Hollis situation on his team. To HQs' relief, Zach made the move to bring in an uninjured PK (M Bryant) less than 10 hours before gametime. As it turned out, Spunk Monkeys would still have won without a PK... but former Ags Bowl defending champions are expected to GM well. Priest certainly looked alive and well. Getting the big money deal just before gametime was obviously a good sign for Zach - and Priest certainly didn't disappoint during a first half stroll through the Chargers D that caused one to wonder if bringing in D Boston at the cost of Seau and Rotney was the right move. A source at Camp Wang reports that he was kicking himself for picking the inept M Faulk ahead of Priest. As for the TE matchup in this game... Cals curiously dropped the prolificly high-scoring Freddie Jones in favor of blocking TE Jed mere hours before kickoff. RFL HQs is looking into charges against Cals for point-shaving. mcnair 12 priest 22 quincy 0 mason 11 djax 3 teyo 0 mbryant 11 daunte 14 atrain 0 kevan 3 rmoss 14 jreed 0 jed 0 lindell 7 -------------------------------------------- The Belching Brides 46 BoyzInTheChineseHood 50 pregame spread: TBB by 4 Things were looking great for Stan in the Giants-Rams game. Tiki was running up and down the field, Kerry was completing passes here and there, and M Faulk was looking like... Emmitt... on a bad day. But apparently some curse was placed on the end zone - as Kerry didn't throw for a TD, and Tiki got tackled on the 1. When Tiki took himself out and let B Mitchell take it in from the 1 (needing 2nd and 3rd efforts - and still not convincingly crossing the goalline)... Wang started believing that he might be destined to win this game. 2 TDs from C Chambers certainly didn't hurt. When Wang drafted Chambers, a stunned silence blanketed draft HQs. Wang couldn't tell if the other GMs thought he made a nice pick - or if they thought he'd lost his mind. It was probably the latter, but at least Chambers won this game for Wang (Wang won't be counting on Chambers for any similar performances in the near future). Stan trailed by 14 heading into Sunday Nitro action. And C Garner totally outplayed Wang's Rice, but in the end... came up just a few yards short. In the end, the key to this game was Stan's choice of free agent PKs. Stover was the wrong choice. Nearly any other PK would have scored the 6 pts The Belching Brides would end up needing from the PK slot. Scrub loss for Stan (0-1) kerry 4 tiki 9 cgarner 13 chadj 11 donte 5 bubba 3 stover 1 brooks 8 mfaulk 2 sdavis 6 rice 2 chmbrs 18 heap 5 mort 9 -------------------------------------------- West Coast Offense 48 Dirty Sanchez 30 pregame spread: WCO by 3 Just as the oddsmakers suspected, Foge had Vesh overrated - and had perhaps slighted Gary's team a bit. If C Martin can't run against the 'skins, he might be in for a long and unproductive season. And Kordell didn't exactly resemble a "poor man's Vick" against the Niners. Even if Troy Brown and Vinatieri hadn't gotten SHUTOUT by the Milloy-led Bills D, they probably wouldn't have scored enough to save Dirty Sanchez (what's that URL again, Vesh?) in this game. Now, why did the Pats let Milloy go to the Bills again? Gannon struggled mightily in Dolly-wood, but wound up with a respectable number. Deuce, Horn and Isaac scored just enough to safely secure a dubya for Gary - perhaps saving some points for future contests. Seabass looks like he's getting a little more pudgy by the day, but he kicked quite impressively. Keyshawn piled on an extra 4 in MNF action. Keyshawn certainly did well catching slants for first downs, but BJ never even glanced KJ's way in the "red zone" - going to Jurevicius over and over again. gannon 11 deuce 7 keyshawn 4 horn 10 ibruce 7 jolley 1 j-kow 8 kordell 5 ahman 18 martian 2 moulds 4 trbrown 0 sharpe 1 v'teri 0 -------------------------------------------- samurai penguins 24 The Hustlers 50 pregame spread: sp by 5 It's nice when a rookie GM can step into RFL and come up with a decent team name (got that, Richard?!?). Is his coaching philosophy that of having his players give their all for 60 minutes each week? Or is Tarang some fox brought into the RFL ranch by Shiv to raid our chicken coop while our suspicions are focused on the next round of manuevers by Vesh or Joebob? The oddsmakers looked at the 2 holes (M Anderson and T Glenn) in Tarang's lineup and figured that veteran GM JoePa would learn the youngster a lesson in resource management. But J Garcia looked quite unaffected by his bulging disk(s) - and Portis looks headed for a 1st team All-RFL season. JoePa's much ballyhooed RB tandem of Corey and Willie got shutdown by Tarang's running D. samurai penguins were also done in by atrocious performances from J Porter and R McMichael. And for T Brady to throw 2 INTs to a LB, and 1 to a NG... that wasn't helping matters. brady 2 dillon 2 wgreen 6 holt 12 porter 0 mcmike 0 omare 2 garcia 18 portis 21 mand'son 0 price 1 tglenn 0 clewis 1 feely 9 -------------------------------------------- Wet Noodles 26 Big Brown Boys 51 pregame spread: WN by 6 Ali's Wet Noodles came out quite limp and lame this Sunday. It didn't help that K Warner came out all fumbling and stumbling and bumbling - not to mention dazed and confused. Coach Martz even defied all logic in eschewing FG attempts TWICE in order to give Warner extra shots at TD passes. But even if Warner had thrown for 2 more TDs, the rest of Ali's team was so flat that no non-PK scored more than 3. E George and Emmitt were facing run Ds that should have allowed them more than 3 each, Rod should have gotten more than 3 against the Bungles, and M Harrison certainly should be counted on for more than 2 against CLE. Shiv's Lion duo (Harrington-Rogers) lit up the Cards, but what will they do against a professional team? Alge made his statement that he's All-RFL caliber with or without Vick. T Hambrick didn't really get his ass in gear for Shiv, but C Rogers did. A tremendously disappointing performance by Brown Boy Boston also virtually went unnoticed - as Shiv's club wasn't nearly tested by the Wet Noodles. warner 9 egeorge 3 emmitt 3 mharrsn 2 rods 3 pollard 1 l'well 5 joeyh 15 fredt 7 troyh 3 boston 1 rogers 14 alge 11 akers 0 -------------------------------------------- Manchester United 51 The Axis of Evil 43 pregame spread: MU by 7 We get it now... Brodz started 2 GB WRs because he anticipated the Pack passing for big numbers against the Vikes. And Brodz' scheme might have worked out much better - had Driver not landed on his head and needed to be wheeled off the field facemask-less. In addition to Javon's 10, Shaun Alexander also performed quite well for The Axis of Evil. But Hasselbeck-Koren combined to produce just well enough for Clark to cover for SEA teammate Shaun's big number for Brodz. Also coming through nicely for Clark were Amos (Bettis who?) and Hines (Plaxico who?). Looks like Clark got the right Steelers on Man U. As for Edgerrin... no TDs against the Brownies? Bad sign. But then again Brodz' Manning also got contained by CLE. S Mack and J Walker answered the bell well for Brodz - after having their menhood questioned. It was expected stars Manning and Driver who fell short. h'beck 8 edge 4 amos 9 heinz 17 koren 9 kbrady 0 cahney 4 peyton 4 salex'er 18 smack 5 driver 1 javon 10 graham 0 mgram 5 -------------------------------------------- Midget Tossers 55 Chocolate Love 39 pregame spread: MT by 1 Just like the Zach-Cals and Shiv-Ali Week 1 rematches, Drew beat Joebob all over again to drop the revenge-seekers to 0-3. Drew's backfield was nearly as good as advertised - putting up 36 on Joebob's traditionally weak, performance-unenhanced D. Muhsin struck paydirt for the Little People Bowlers... but Shockey was more bark than bite this week, and C Conway did not look worthy of his starting spot. The oddsmakers correctly identified all 3 of Chocolate Love's glaring weaknesses (Trung, Martay, Fauria). Trung seems to've held off Betts for the WA starting RB spot for at least 1 more week. 2 pts for Martay? Da Bears were playing from behind all game long against an injury-depleted SF defensive backfield. Ricky did ok against the Texans. 13 is about average for a top RB, but certainly not for a Priest. And Joebob will need more than 13 from Green and Toomer week-to-week. bledsoe 7 thenry 19 jlewis 10 conway 1 muhsin 6 shock 2 jreed 10 green 8 rwilliams 13 trung 2 amani 5 martayb 2 fauria 0 v'jagt 9 -------------------------------------------- Angry Starfish 32 -nameless- 43 pregame spread: AS by 2 The nameless team won (a scrub win at that), but won't get any "run" until they have an adequate name. Mike's club was a bit of a disappointment in Week 1. For a team expected to finish 3rd, it's not a good sign for none of your RBs, WRs or TE to score a TD. It's also not a good sign for Favre to throw 4 INTs in a home game, but we suppose that's just Brett being Brett. And how did the KC D shutdown all aspects of the SD O (LT and D Boston in particular)? Brees to TE J Norman was the only section of SD's playbook that was working! Plaxico got lots of yards, but perhaps T Maddox discovered the "secret" regarding why Kordell always threw TD passes to Heinz? A Twain did poorly - as expected. R Gardner was expected to score much more than 1. favre 9 LT 3 atwain 0 plaxico 6 gardner 1 bmiller 1 elam 12 mcnabb 5 wdunn 9 tibrown 9 TO 6 lcoles 6 tonyg 1 wilkins 7 -------------------------------------------- Transactions Team ---- ADD ---- DROP look 'em up for yourself on yahoo! ******************************************************** WANG'S WEEKLY WARBLE ====== ====== ====== Trying to start a new business and writing WIRs do NOT go hand-in-hand. This year - more than any other - there is a need for guest WIR writers to "nut up". Stan came through with 2 really nice WIRs last year. 2k2's 3 rookie GMs (Drew, Mike, Zach) combined to do a fine WIR last season. Brodz has written QUALITY WIRs in the past. And of course Cals set the standard with 9 full seasons of WIRs from the beginning. How about this year? Is there a volunteer for WIR #2? I will provide you with a template on Wednesday (and all the nuts and bolts numbers by Monday night). All you have to do is fill in the blanks (game writeups, free lance paragraphs, Game of the Week preview, short previews of the 7 other Week 3 matchups). Entry fees: Thanks go to Tarang for sending in the 2k3 dues in advance of the season. Thanks also to Shiv for bringing in a GM of such fine character. Other GMs who have already paid up for 2k3: Brodz, Clark, Richard, Zach ************************************************* RFL GM Profiles: ************************************************* NOTE FROM WIR EDITORIAL STAFF: I think we need a new lead interviewer to replace Joebob. Perhaps Brodz and Baby Brodz can stay on as special case interviewers. This has been an RFL interview. The rights to all proceeds made from this interview belong to the RFL WIR and exclusively to the RFL WIR. ******************************************************** SEASON POINTS LEADERS ********************* QB 18 J Garcia (The Hustlers) 15 J Harrington (Big Brown Boys) 14 D Culpepper (Love Touch) RB 22 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 21 C Portis (The Hustlers) 19 T Henry (Midget Tossers) 18 A Green (Dirty Sanchez) 18 S Alexander (The Axis of Evil) 13 C Garner (The Belching Brides) 13 R Williams (Chocolate Love) WR 18 C Chambers (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 17 H Ward (Manchester United) 14 R Moss (Love Touch) 14 C Rogers (Big Brown Boys) 12 T Holt (samurai penguins) 11 D Mason (Spunk Monkeys) 11 C Johnson (The Belching Brides) TE 11 A Crumpler (Big Brown Boys) 5 T Heap (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 3 B Franks (The Belching Brides) PK 12 J Elam (Angry Starfish) 11 M Bryant (Spunk Monkeys) 10 J Reed (Midget Tossers) -------------------------------------------- RFL ALL*STARS ************* QB 18 J Garcia (The Hustlers) RB 22 P Holmes (Spunk Monkeys) 21 C Portis (The Hustlers) WR 18 C Chambers (BoyzInTheChineseHood) 17 H Ward (Manchester United) TE 11 A Crumpler (Big Brown Boys) PK 12 J Elam (Angry Starfish) ************** Week 1 total: 119... 14 less than Week 1 last year. :-( -------------------------------------------- NEXT WEEK's ACTION **** GAME **** OF **** THE **** WEEK **** Manchester United (1-0, 51.0) vs. Big Brown Boys (1-0, 51.0) Clark Edge Shivan M Hasselbeck <- J Harrington E James -- F Taylor A Zereoue <- T Hambrick H Ward <- D Boston K Robinson <- C Rogers K Brady >> A Crumpler J Carney -- D Akers Clark is establishing himself as an organIzation to be reckoned with (Ags Bowl championship and Steamroller trophy in the last 2 seasons). Shiv has been more bluster than substance since entering the League with so much fanfare (has Shiv even made it into the playoffs?). Hasselbeck-Koren should be a distinct edge for Man U over Big Brown Boys' Joey-Rogers - as SEA takes on the AZ secondary that DET just shredded, and DET ventures to the frozen tundra. Edgerrin and Fred look to be a wash. If E James can't score on CLE, what chance does he have against TEN? Fred will be taking on the newly fearsome BUF D. Hambrick is going up against NYG, so Amos gets that edge. Hines vs Boston? Boston hasn't shown much (besides his biceps) between the white lines in quite a while. Alge will be Shiv's only matchup advantage - and should be a big one. Clark seems to be pretending like he's going to start Moe Williams over Edgerrin this weekend, but we don't think he'd do such a thing. **** Man U is off and running at 2-0, Clark by 6 **** -------------------------------------------- Other Tilts: Boyz In Th Chin Hood (1-0, 50.0) by 4 over Dirty Sanchez (0-1, 30.0) BITCH won despite a mere 8 from RBs M Faulk and S Davis last week. Faulk should get more than 2 against SF this week, but Davis goes up against TB. Does DS go with Kordell at MIN? Or with J Blake at home against SEA? The Belching Brides (0-1, 46.0) by 1 over -nameless- (1-0, 43.0) As many yards as Tiki and C Garner racked up for TBB last week, they should do even better (and mix in an extra TD or 2) this week. West Coast Offense (1-0, 48.0) by 10 over samurai penguins (0-1, 24.0) WCO might need to go away from Keyshawn at RB/WR. sp looks for C Dillon and W Green to score more, but will it happen against OAK and BAL? Spunk Monkeys (1-0, 59.0) by 7 over The Hustlers (1-0, 50.0) SM's Priest should keep on keepin' on against PIT. TH needs 1 or 2 other starters to help J Garcia and C Portis pound the rock. Love Touch (0-1, 38.0) by 2 over Wet Noodles (0-1, 26.0) LT's non-Culpepper/Moss starters can't do much worse than last week. WN's entire team can't do much worse than last week. Midget Tossers (1-0, 55.0) by 3 over The Axis of Evil (0-1, 43.0) MT must address WR shortcoming. TAoE might even have bigger WR problems. How will Shockey do against Parcells for MT? How consistent will Shaun Alexander be for TAoE this year? Angry Starfish (0-1, 32.0) by 11 over Chocolate Love (0-1, 39.0) AS is primed for a big comeback game this weekend. CL has a few (3?) too many unproductive starting lineup spots.